A God of Trauma
God calls us to be a people of holiness because He is a God of holiness, and He is a God who has called us out of bondage and to Himself. But anyone like me is going to wonder how God expects us to remain holy, or what holiness even looks like, in the face of trauma.
Earlier this week, I alluded to the fact that one of my sorority sisters from college is going through a horrific trauma, having just found out last Saturday that her husband of only over a year was killed in Africa during a mission for Operation Freedom. This couple was a Christian couple, from what I remember of the guy, (the girl was a few years younger than me, and I was a terrible Phi Mu, so I was never around the sorority house and didn't know her that well), and newspaper articles give us a little deeper look into their lives, shedding light on the fact that Nick was indeed committed to Christ.
And so I wonder, how in the world his wife must be feeling right now? My counselor tells me that in my own life, I have had a lot of 'trauma,' as she calls it; much more, she says, than the average 29 year-old, and much more than the average whatever-year-old I was when I was that age (if that makes sense). And her telling me that, as I've said, makes me feel less like a freak for being as much of a wreck as I am on the inside. So recalling these experiences of my life (which aren't hard to recall...they recycle in my conscious and subconscious memory frequently because I've never much known how to deal with them), makes me ache more acutely for my sorority sister right now. How, in the face of trauma, does a Christian woman, a woman desiring to follow Jesus, actually FOLLOW Jesus? What does that look like?
In my case, I always thought it meant that 'you just keep going,' and so that's what I did. I kept going onto college and onto China and onto seminary and onto New York even when each and every time the pain and hurt grew more and what I really WISHED I could do was take a giant break, cry a whole heck of a lot, and DEAL without the judgement of those around me. I imagine my sorority sister is going to have a lot of questions now and in the future. She probably thought she knew her life trajectory, and now it's all turned around. The man she figured she'd grow old with and have kids with, the man she'd planned out at least the next few years of life with, is gone. She's alone in a city with her family off somewhere else. What is she to do? I hope that someone close to her and that she trusts tells her to allow herself to grieve and to DEAL and NOT to feel like she just has to soldier on without allowing herself to wade through what's she gone through/is going through.
I suppose I always thought that stopping to wade through emotions, think about why things happen, and figure out where to go next, was laziness and weakness. Now don't get me wrong. If you know me, you know I am WAY too introspective to ever endure anything without dissecting it. I have about a bajillion journals that show all my dissections in detail. I DID think about things and pray about things and talk about things, but I always ADDED, at the same time, a new LAYER of something else to my mixing pot. For example, I went to college in the wake of a traumatic childhood filled with abuse, divorce, and suicidal depression, and I tried to deal and had started to deal my senior year of high school, but instead, I stopped seeing a counselor in college thinking that the addition of medication had helped things, and I added college life to my plate. I managed well for a few years until it was time to LEAVE that organized, safe, secure, structured life and until I decided I wanted to live life without medication. Then everything fell apart again. My solution? Go to Tibet (hmmm?) go back to therapy (good idea)...AND seminary (also good idea)...IMMEDIATELY (maybe not so good idea). haha...and when huge life issues occurred in seminary and God really started moving in me and growing me and started a magnificent healing work, it was PHENOMENAL. So what did I do? I took a job in New York City and moved here all by myself. haha In hindsight, it wouldn't have been lazy or weak of me to take a break after seminary to debrief and....what's that thing you do to a PC hard drive? Decompress? De-something. I forget, but whatever it was, I think I needed that.
But God is sovereign; that I do believe...and if I get confused, I refer myself to my post from the other day. (http://meginlea.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-believe.html) And so here I am today, making sense of this all, and putting pieces together, and realizing that even though I'm a mess, God has still accomplished a great deal with this Community Center, and I suppose using a messy human is one way to be sure HE gets the glory and not some blonde girl from Georgia who dresses flashy and wears too much make-up (so says her Chinese husband). Side Note: I still can't help but feel I deceived that board 5 years ago by presenting myself as so put together. In my defense, I thought I was more put together than I was. Sorry about that, but it hasn't all been awful, has it? Ok don't answer that.
So getting to the POINT: (yes there is one to this post). HOW can God call us to be holy in the face of trauma? How can he say 'Be holy because I am holy?' In response to Him saying that, I say "But what about when YOU let us or...gulp....swallow loudly and fearfully....MAKE us see TRAUMA? WHAT THEN? What is His response?
I thought about that/meditated on that in my time with God this morning, and this is what came to me:
Perhaps God says to me: "Trauma? I know trauma. I have SEEN trauma. Remember when the angels rebelled? Remember when Adam and Eve didn't believe me? Remember when I regretted making man? Remember when Israel forgot everything I did for them? Remember all those kings who forgot me? Remember David and his affair? Remember Solomon and his wives? Remember Peter and his denial? Remember Judas? Remember... Jesus?
I HATE trauma, Megin. I HATE that it is in this world. I bore the PAYMENT for trauma, for the trauma you have caused to others, AND for the trauma they have caused to you. Do you not think I KNOW trauma? I, more than anyone, know it well. I am a man of Sorrows, remember? Now follow me, and I'll show you how to talk through it, how to wade through trauma. I'll show you what it means to be holy as I am holy, but the trauma...well, there's no way around that one my dear, not in this life, that is."
Psalm 18:27 says "For you save a humble people." Verse 31 says "Who is a rock except our God?" I cannot think of a more humble person than a person who sees and undergoes intense trauma...yet comes through it with the Lord...and perhaps those who have once sought the restoration of their pain through idols are those who can most confidently declare "Who is a rock except our God?" There is none; a God of traumas is He.
In close, please pray for my friend. Her name is Ashley. The picture is of her husband, Nick, and is taken from the Times Herald of Newnan, Ga.
Earlier this week, I alluded to the fact that one of my sorority sisters from college is going through a horrific trauma, having just found out last Saturday that her husband of only over a year was killed in Africa during a mission for Operation Freedom. This couple was a Christian couple, from what I remember of the guy, (the girl was a few years younger than me, and I was a terrible Phi Mu, so I was never around the sorority house and didn't know her that well), and newspaper articles give us a little deeper look into their lives, shedding light on the fact that Nick was indeed committed to Christ.
And so I wonder, how in the world his wife must be feeling right now? My counselor tells me that in my own life, I have had a lot of 'trauma,' as she calls it; much more, she says, than the average 29 year-old, and much more than the average whatever-year-old I was when I was that age (if that makes sense). And her telling me that, as I've said, makes me feel less like a freak for being as much of a wreck as I am on the inside. So recalling these experiences of my life (which aren't hard to recall...they recycle in my conscious and subconscious memory frequently because I've never much known how to deal with them), makes me ache more acutely for my sorority sister right now. How, in the face of trauma, does a Christian woman, a woman desiring to follow Jesus, actually FOLLOW Jesus? What does that look like?
In my case, I always thought it meant that 'you just keep going,' and so that's what I did. I kept going onto college and onto China and onto seminary and onto New York even when each and every time the pain and hurt grew more and what I really WISHED I could do was take a giant break, cry a whole heck of a lot, and DEAL without the judgement of those around me. I imagine my sorority sister is going to have a lot of questions now and in the future. She probably thought she knew her life trajectory, and now it's all turned around. The man she figured she'd grow old with and have kids with, the man she'd planned out at least the next few years of life with, is gone. She's alone in a city with her family off somewhere else. What is she to do? I hope that someone close to her and that she trusts tells her to allow herself to grieve and to DEAL and NOT to feel like she just has to soldier on without allowing herself to wade through what's she gone through/is going through.
I suppose I always thought that stopping to wade through emotions, think about why things happen, and figure out where to go next, was laziness and weakness. Now don't get me wrong. If you know me, you know I am WAY too introspective to ever endure anything without dissecting it. I have about a bajillion journals that show all my dissections in detail. I DID think about things and pray about things and talk about things, but I always ADDED, at the same time, a new LAYER of something else to my mixing pot. For example, I went to college in the wake of a traumatic childhood filled with abuse, divorce, and suicidal depression, and I tried to deal and had started to deal my senior year of high school, but instead, I stopped seeing a counselor in college thinking that the addition of medication had helped things, and I added college life to my plate. I managed well for a few years until it was time to LEAVE that organized, safe, secure, structured life and until I decided I wanted to live life without medication. Then everything fell apart again. My solution? Go to Tibet (hmmm?) go back to therapy (good idea)...AND seminary (also good idea)...IMMEDIATELY (maybe not so good idea). haha...and when huge life issues occurred in seminary and God really started moving in me and growing me and started a magnificent healing work, it was PHENOMENAL. So what did I do? I took a job in New York City and moved here all by myself. haha In hindsight, it wouldn't have been lazy or weak of me to take a break after seminary to debrief and....what's that thing you do to a PC hard drive? Decompress? De-something. I forget, but whatever it was, I think I needed that.
But God is sovereign; that I do believe...and if I get confused, I refer myself to my post from the other day. (http://meginlea.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-believe.html) And so here I am today, making sense of this all, and putting pieces together, and realizing that even though I'm a mess, God has still accomplished a great deal with this Community Center, and I suppose using a messy human is one way to be sure HE gets the glory and not some blonde girl from Georgia who dresses flashy and wears too much make-up (so says her Chinese husband). Side Note: I still can't help but feel I deceived that board 5 years ago by presenting myself as so put together. In my defense, I thought I was more put together than I was. Sorry about that, but it hasn't all been awful, has it? Ok don't answer that.
So getting to the POINT: (yes there is one to this post). HOW can God call us to be holy in the face of trauma? How can he say 'Be holy because I am holy?' In response to Him saying that, I say "But what about when YOU let us or...gulp....swallow loudly and fearfully....MAKE us see TRAUMA? WHAT THEN? What is His response?
I thought about that/meditated on that in my time with God this morning, and this is what came to me:
Perhaps God says to me: "Trauma? I know trauma. I have SEEN trauma. Remember when the angels rebelled? Remember when Adam and Eve didn't believe me? Remember when I regretted making man? Remember when Israel forgot everything I did for them? Remember all those kings who forgot me? Remember David and his affair? Remember Solomon and his wives? Remember Peter and his denial? Remember Judas? Remember... Jesus?
I HATE trauma, Megin. I HATE that it is in this world. I bore the PAYMENT for trauma, for the trauma you have caused to others, AND for the trauma they have caused to you. Do you not think I KNOW trauma? I, more than anyone, know it well. I am a man of Sorrows, remember? Now follow me, and I'll show you how to talk through it, how to wade through trauma. I'll show you what it means to be holy as I am holy, but the trauma...well, there's no way around that one my dear, not in this life, that is."
Psalm 18:27 says "For you save a humble people." Verse 31 says "Who is a rock except our God?" I cannot think of a more humble person than a person who sees and undergoes intense trauma...yet comes through it with the Lord...and perhaps those who have once sought the restoration of their pain through idols are those who can most confidently declare "Who is a rock except our God?" There is none; a God of traumas is He.
In close, please pray for my friend. Her name is Ashley. The picture is of her husband, Nick, and is taken from the Times Herald of Newnan, Ga.
Comments