A Little Bit about Depression and the Only Hope I Have
Do you ever feel like there is nothing to look forward to in life? I know, I know, right off the bat you may hit me with the reaction of 'No, of course not! My life is blessed, and so is yours Megin!' And, you are right. A sorority sister of mine just lost her husband; our church knows of the plight of many in Poipet, Cambodia. I have extended family members who live in dire circumstances. Tracy, a homeless addict, spends most of his time freezing and hungry (i think) down the street from GFC. I see plenty of people daily who have much much MUCH less to look forward to than I do, and so when I DO feel this way, I also feel guilty and dislike myself more. So please don't start with that thought. If you can't get past that thought, then just don't read this post. I blog because it's therapeutic, and I also believe it can help people who don't see personally the inside of depression or the healing of emotional scarring; I believe it can help those people get a little glimpse so that they can better understand those of us who do bear this burden or encounter it amid the ones we love.
So with that disclaimer, I will state that I often, more frequent in the past 2 years I suppose, feel that there is nothing to look forward to. I could list out a list of things I do look forward to, but those things are so far between.
For example: Here is a list of some of the things I'm currently looking forward to:
Unfortunately, in my day to day life, I feel a lack of any enjoyment in what I normally do. My 'looking forward to's' are pretty much all I enjoy, and they seem momentary and few and far between. And even when they are here, the lingering thought is: this is temporary. The things I do enjoy are very little. I enjoy the time I spend with God each morning. I enjoy if I get time to read books. I enjoy time watching TV, but not too much or it's sinful. I enjoy conversations I get to have with some of the kids during the day. I used to enjoy running, but lately it seems like work. I enjoy Jirem, when he's not having too much energy. I suppose there is just so much that I DESIRE to do that I am kept from, and there is much that I believe I 'should do' and/or ' am supposed to do' or 'have to do' that I don't 100% or even 60% or 70% want to do. When I do it, I can enjoy it sometimes, but I'm not wanting to do it as much anymore. And then for that I feel guilty, even though my counselor tells me I shouldn't. And I don't mean just the laziness of "I don't feel like doing this." It's deeper. I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid it comes out as just laziness, but I don't 'think' I'm a lazy person. I actually enjoy working very hard at things...I think...
Typical things that most people do daily and enjoy without even dissecting whether or not they enjoy them, I now noticeably do NOT enjoy, and these things feel painful or arduous to me. I won't list them all, but some are just stupid things, and some are things you SHOULD enjoy. I.E. driving, showering (yes. showering. how ridiculous), having to blow-dry and fix my hair (hence you never see me wear it straight anymore), picking out what to wear, cleaning the house (which believe it or not I have always ENJOYED TO THE MAX- I still do it, just not as joyfully), even running (it's been a week. longest lapse in a while). I used to enjoy these things...and many others I didn't list.
Just ONE reason why the lack of joy in normal-every-day-existing is dangerous for a person is that it can cause the person to seek joy by making good things or bad things idols or sources of complete joy and sustenance. For example, a depressed person might find his/her only joy in any of the following:
drugs, alcohol, romance, television, overeating, under-eating, friends, a relationship, appearance, $, work, video games, some source of entertainment, gambling, reading, basically anything you can think of. ANYTHING can become an addiction, and anything can become unhealthy, I'd venture to say. One CAN have too much of a good thing, and one CAN CERTAINLY have too much of a bad thing. And depressed people are very susceptible to trying to make up for a lack of joy by seeking joy in these ways. I know I am constantly on guard for the ways Satan likes to tempt me. I've been down the roads before. They don't come out to nice pretty rose gardens and grassy fields.
These feelings I describe are NOT new. I repeat, NOT new. I just don't usually blog about them b/c sometimes when I share with people, I get the response of 'well feelings can't be trusted,' and 'well we CAN control our feelings; we don't have to follow them.' or 'come on! Life's fun. it could be worse. it's not that bad.' or 'could you explain how it's so bad?' haha and honestly, NO, I can't REALLLLLLY explain. sorry :/
I heard this the other day on the CCEF website though (about how people say things trying to be helpful but end up being hurtful- http://www.ccef.org/podcast/when-people-try-be-helpful-arent), and it encouraged me. I think people mean well; I really do, especially Christians. I don't blame them. I just think some don't have experience with the suffering of depression or they've only known people who wanted to just revel in their depression and stay there, so then they don't get that there are many depressed people who would like to just 'go against their feelings, and fight it daily, but that it's not that 'easy' and 'simple.' By the way, I do go against my feelings. every.single.day.multiple.hours.a.day.just.so.you.know. :)
And depression isn't JUST caused by Satan. That's another mistake I hear a lot about and get questions a lot about, even from other people who think they may be or are depressed. Sure, there is a large spiritual component to depression, but there are also emotional and physiological and psychological components as well. And everyone's case is different. There are different mixtures of those ingredients in different people's cases. But those Christians who are depressed are particularly vulnerable to Satan's lies when it comes to hating themselves because they are depressed. We feel like we should be JOYFUL because we are SAVED and going to HEAVEN and can PRAISE GOD on earth and help share the GOSPEL and stuff. We should know this life is not all there is. Well yes. I know that. But I can't tell you the burden of the weight that presses down so much that sometimes I pray the day I meet Jesus would not tarry so long any mroe except that I don't want my family members to perish without knowing Him, and I do want to know I've done all I could have done to guide them to Him.
So as I sit here and feel very low and like there is nothing to look forward to, I wanted to blog because talking about it somehow helps a tiny bit, and I honestly need that tiny bit right now. I told Jesse the other day that we needed to try to do some more things so that I could keep busy and not sink lower and lower, so he's been trying to plan fun stuff for us. We tried a new restaurant. We went bowling. We went out for Vday. We even went to a Rascal Flatts concert! Talk about going all out man! Yesterday he had a fun day planned for us, but I just couldn't do it. The idea of venturing too far from home was so daunting to me. I felt like a scared child, like a ridiculous idiot. So we just took Jirem to the dog park near home and then came back and watched some blue-rays and ate pizza. Then I fell asleep and slept for like ever. Then we watched the Knicks game (I dozed in and out and didn't even complain that we were watching it instead of the Bachelor). Today we are taking the kids bowling. I think I'll enjoy that once we get there. I don't think I'll enjoy the train ride to Maple Lanes. But hey, who really enjoys riding the subway?? haha :)
I've been singing this song to myself all morning...outloud too. Sorry to my upstairs landlords. The lyrics encourage me. Kim asked me the other day, as I was talking to her about life and my current happenings, where I saw God in 'all of this?' My answer was that He had to be here. He had to be in the midst and doing something because I had NO IDEA what was up or what to do. I didn't know the answers. I could only look to Him and keep praying and reading His word and trying to follow daily and clinging to Him and trusting Him to make a way even when there seems to be no way. That's where I see God in all of this, and the lyrics to this song remind me that those thoughts of mine are very well true. God is beside the rubble. God is holding the depressed, the aching broken hearts. God is in the midst of the darkest pain, and before the day breaks into sunlight, the hour is the darkest. I cannot begin to think I or anyone shall ever appreciate peace and beauty unless I have seen the other side, the cold dark other side, and I cannot begin to think I can ever weep with those, like my newly married friend who just lost her husband, unless I have seen the dark other side in some form or fashion. I have to see it. There is no way around that. In more ways than one, depression, for me, is not really a choice...but maybe, if the Bible is true, it is necessary...for me...
If you've knelt beside the rubble
Of an aching broken heart
When the things you gave your life to
Fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted
With sorrow grief or pain
But the master promised sunshine
After rain
CHORUS
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn
Is just in sight
To invest your seed of trust in God
In mountains you can't move
You have risked your life on things
You can not prove
But to give the things you can not keep
For what you can not lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn
Is just in sight
So with that disclaimer, I will state that I often, more frequent in the past 2 years I suppose, feel that there is nothing to look forward to. I could list out a list of things I do look forward to, but those things are so far between.
For example: Here is a list of some of the things I'm currently looking forward to:
- Visiting family again (I don't know when that will be. Tickets are expensive. I need to save off time for when the baby is born and Whitney's wedding, but I miss them greatly). Under this category fall a great number of many things to which I look forward:
- Hanging out with Franklin
- Having lunch with Dad
- Hanging out with my brother
- Watching a movie with Mom
- Talking in person with Mom
- My sister's baby being born (hurry up May!)
- Whitney's wedding (hurry up June!) because I'll be hanging out with WGC and CAW!!!
- Hanging out with Titus again (this could happen soon- we should plan it)
That's preeeeeeeeeeettty much it. Really, nothing else comes to mind as that exciting or out of the ordinary.
Unfortunately, in my day to day life, I feel a lack of any enjoyment in what I normally do. My 'looking forward to's' are pretty much all I enjoy, and they seem momentary and few and far between. And even when they are here, the lingering thought is: this is temporary. The things I do enjoy are very little. I enjoy the time I spend with God each morning. I enjoy if I get time to read books. I enjoy time watching TV, but not too much or it's sinful. I enjoy conversations I get to have with some of the kids during the day. I used to enjoy running, but lately it seems like work. I enjoy Jirem, when he's not having too much energy. I suppose there is just so much that I DESIRE to do that I am kept from, and there is much that I believe I 'should do' and/or ' am supposed to do' or 'have to do' that I don't 100% or even 60% or 70% want to do. When I do it, I can enjoy it sometimes, but I'm not wanting to do it as much anymore. And then for that I feel guilty, even though my counselor tells me I shouldn't. And I don't mean just the laziness of "I don't feel like doing this." It's deeper. I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid it comes out as just laziness, but I don't 'think' I'm a lazy person. I actually enjoy working very hard at things...I think...
Typical things that most people do daily and enjoy without even dissecting whether or not they enjoy them, I now noticeably do NOT enjoy, and these things feel painful or arduous to me. I won't list them all, but some are just stupid things, and some are things you SHOULD enjoy. I.E. driving, showering (yes. showering. how ridiculous), having to blow-dry and fix my hair (hence you never see me wear it straight anymore), picking out what to wear, cleaning the house (which believe it or not I have always ENJOYED TO THE MAX- I still do it, just not as joyfully), even running (it's been a week. longest lapse in a while). I used to enjoy these things...and many others I didn't list.
Just ONE reason why the lack of joy in normal-every-day-existing is dangerous for a person is that it can cause the person to seek joy by making good things or bad things idols or sources of complete joy and sustenance. For example, a depressed person might find his/her only joy in any of the following:
drugs, alcohol, romance, television, overeating, under-eating, friends, a relationship, appearance, $, work, video games, some source of entertainment, gambling, reading, basically anything you can think of. ANYTHING can become an addiction, and anything can become unhealthy, I'd venture to say. One CAN have too much of a good thing, and one CAN CERTAINLY have too much of a bad thing. And depressed people are very susceptible to trying to make up for a lack of joy by seeking joy in these ways. I know I am constantly on guard for the ways Satan likes to tempt me. I've been down the roads before. They don't come out to nice pretty rose gardens and grassy fields.
These feelings I describe are NOT new. I repeat, NOT new. I just don't usually blog about them b/c sometimes when I share with people, I get the response of 'well feelings can't be trusted,' and 'well we CAN control our feelings; we don't have to follow them.' or 'come on! Life's fun. it could be worse. it's not that bad.' or 'could you explain how it's so bad?' haha and honestly, NO, I can't REALLLLLLY explain. sorry :/
I heard this the other day on the CCEF website though (about how people say things trying to be helpful but end up being hurtful- http://www.ccef.org/podcast/when-people-try-be-helpful-arent), and it encouraged me. I think people mean well; I really do, especially Christians. I don't blame them. I just think some don't have experience with the suffering of depression or they've only known people who wanted to just revel in their depression and stay there, so then they don't get that there are many depressed people who would like to just 'go against their feelings, and fight it daily, but that it's not that 'easy' and 'simple.' By the way, I do go against my feelings. every.single.day.multiple.hours.a.day.just.so.you.know. :)
And depression isn't JUST caused by Satan. That's another mistake I hear a lot about and get questions a lot about, even from other people who think they may be or are depressed. Sure, there is a large spiritual component to depression, but there are also emotional and physiological and psychological components as well. And everyone's case is different. There are different mixtures of those ingredients in different people's cases. But those Christians who are depressed are particularly vulnerable to Satan's lies when it comes to hating themselves because they are depressed. We feel like we should be JOYFUL because we are SAVED and going to HEAVEN and can PRAISE GOD on earth and help share the GOSPEL and stuff. We should know this life is not all there is. Well yes. I know that. But I can't tell you the burden of the weight that presses down so much that sometimes I pray the day I meet Jesus would not tarry so long any mroe except that I don't want my family members to perish without knowing Him, and I do want to know I've done all I could have done to guide them to Him.
So as I sit here and feel very low and like there is nothing to look forward to, I wanted to blog because talking about it somehow helps a tiny bit, and I honestly need that tiny bit right now. I told Jesse the other day that we needed to try to do some more things so that I could keep busy and not sink lower and lower, so he's been trying to plan fun stuff for us. We tried a new restaurant. We went bowling. We went out for Vday. We even went to a Rascal Flatts concert! Talk about going all out man! Yesterday he had a fun day planned for us, but I just couldn't do it. The idea of venturing too far from home was so daunting to me. I felt like a scared child, like a ridiculous idiot. So we just took Jirem to the dog park near home and then came back and watched some blue-rays and ate pizza. Then I fell asleep and slept for like ever. Then we watched the Knicks game (I dozed in and out and didn't even complain that we were watching it instead of the Bachelor). Today we are taking the kids bowling. I think I'll enjoy that once we get there. I don't think I'll enjoy the train ride to Maple Lanes. But hey, who really enjoys riding the subway?? haha :)
I've been singing this song to myself all morning...outloud too. Sorry to my upstairs landlords. The lyrics encourage me. Kim asked me the other day, as I was talking to her about life and my current happenings, where I saw God in 'all of this?' My answer was that He had to be here. He had to be in the midst and doing something because I had NO IDEA what was up or what to do. I didn't know the answers. I could only look to Him and keep praying and reading His word and trying to follow daily and clinging to Him and trusting Him to make a way even when there seems to be no way. That's where I see God in all of this, and the lyrics to this song remind me that those thoughts of mine are very well true. God is beside the rubble. God is holding the depressed, the aching broken hearts. God is in the midst of the darkest pain, and before the day breaks into sunlight, the hour is the darkest. I cannot begin to think I or anyone shall ever appreciate peace and beauty unless I have seen the other side, the cold dark other side, and I cannot begin to think I can ever weep with those, like my newly married friend who just lost her husband, unless I have seen the dark other side in some form or fashion. I have to see it. There is no way around that. In more ways than one, depression, for me, is not really a choice...but maybe, if the Bible is true, it is necessary...for me...
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God bless you!
Erin