Depression and Ministry: What does that mean?

Ever wonder about ministry and depression? Here is a good start to reading up on it: The Gospel Coalition has a great 5-part series on it, and I would suggest reading this series as well as the book by Ed Welch that I recommended about a month ago. The insights are succinct, in-depth, and better stated than I could ever attempt to make them. 

I'm not a pastor, just church staff, but I identify with all four points, even the family point of the Gospel Coalition series. What does it mean if someone in ministry finds him/herself depressed? What does Megin's hard, to say the least, experience in New York City mean? And what does her present circumstance tell us about her, her future, her call? It has been posed that maybe what is seemingly an inability to handle 'things' on my part would be a glaring sign that I was is not cut out for a task. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. So is present circumstance, is depression for the ministry worker, a lightening bolt from God saying "Halt! Go no further! You have misunderstood," or "This is no longer your path,"?

As I contemplate that, I am drawn to Scripture, obviously, and I find a lot of people in Scripture who seem to have many depressive symptoms, some even chronically it would appear. If I were to make a list of these characters, the list would include: Moses, David, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Paul .... maybe even, Jesus.... I can find them all not wanting to be in some circumstance they are in (for a least a time) or questioning God or feeling sadness and pain or despairing even.. unto.. death. And I can't quite get past the Psalms, most of which were written by the man after God's own heart we must recall, and most of which often end without any resolution. Psalm 88...the infamous, notorious Psalm of unanswered questions prayed to a seemingly cursory God who has disappeared from the psalmists sights is one that stands out like a sore thumb amidst it fellow Psalms of thanksgiving and praise. The materialization of this Psalm, and others like it, reminds us that apparently depression is biblical...in that it is a real experience. Tim Keller says biblical art is art that portrays the world as it truly is. Then perhaps, drawing from his definition, a biblical emotion is an emotion that rings in tune with the note of the world's emotion. If this be true, depression is a biblical emotion, hence its appearing throughout canonical Scripture.

Getting back to the five-part series, I especially like article four where the author says 'do not make life-altering decisions when you are depressed.' If you must, step away for a short period, but don't throw in the towel because a certain stint is difficult. If I were to throw in the ministry towel because New York, my first 'official-real-life-big-girl-full-time-ministry-venture' was hard, I think that would be premature and a big win for Satan. Should I have expected it to be easy? Coming as a young 24-year-old, fresh out of seminary, with no support system to lean upon here or nearby, no home church support, and with little years practice with 'functional' theology to help her stand up (not to mention she was dragging still a boat load of '"True Stories" to work through)? Should I have expected it to be easy when I slapped myself down in the middle of two new cultures AT ONCE? (One being New York country...and one being Chinese world). I think it's common sense to expect...difficulties and trials would come. I'm not even 30 yet. Moses despaired of his ministry. He was burnt out and cried out to God, and God spoke through his father-in-law, Jethro. This was not before Moses asked, however, to be relieved of his ministerial duties. I suppose he, like myself and others, was questioning his inability to handle 'things.' 

In terms of deciding to quit when the going gets tough, I think it's just like I was always told by friends when I was a kid. "Don't chop off you hair right after your boyfriend dumps you. You'll regret it later." It's not a perfect parallel, but the motif rings true. Don't make huge decisions that you can't take back when you are emotionally fragile.  I don't think I'll quit ministry just because I've gotten depressed and had a hard time. For now, I'm here to stay- a walking transparent ship of emotions. There surely will not be anymore hiding because I quite got tired of that, but I suppose I may have to face the fact that revealing ardent emotions can cause some to question my presence and decisions even more. But that's okay because I am armed with the word of God, and with the Psalms of David which give words to my emotions, and words to feelings I haven't even felt...yet. So I'll remain open to aching and feeling, and to living uneasily...because the more we ache and suffer, the more we are able to comfort others...right? Which indeed is why Jesus can comfort us so much. If he had not suffered to the extent to which He did, how could He be our Man of Sorrows?

What's more, I'm armed with grace that I do not earn. Grace that blesses me even when I don't realize it. Grace that is mine because of Jesus, not because I spend the right amount of time with God or keep myself away from sin. Ministry was never my talent or performance anyway. It was God's desire, and He's asked me to be here. He knows what I am. I didn't used to know, but he's filled me in on it now, and I suppose He'll continue filling me in on it. So with grace, I can go forth, and probably I can only go forth with grace. I can't imagine anything else would carry me. 

Anyway, read the articles. They are better than my blog. WAY better. I promise. :)