14 hours
Wow. What a day. I just need to write it down so I can confirm how ridiculous this was and feel like I am heard or seen...I wish knowing God sees me was enough for me...but in my sinful state, it is not. I feel it should be.
1. Wake up at 7:40- tend to pets; make coffee; sit down to check email; respond to a few.
2. 8:00- talk to Jesse for approximately 20 minutes (the typical amount I get to talk to him each day...if i'm lucky).
3. 8:30- spend time with God, pray
4. 9:20- get in the shower, get dressed, respond to emails and chats while drying my hair, getting ready, try to look over lesson, but too many pressing emails to respond to.
5. 10:20- leave for Dr. No parking but no time to hunt anymore- pay $9 for a garage.
6. 10:30- sign in at Dr's office, a appointment I waited 1.5 month for and which I must go to. Then I find out that my insurance has expired....somehow a ball got dropped somewhere, and it was not renewed b/c of different reasons but not intentionally. So I have a choice of not seeing the dr. or of seeing her but paying full price which is $225. I honestly can't wait another month for an appointment, so I call dad to see if he can spot me the money so I can see the dr. and tell him the church will reimburse me if the insurance doesn't get set up as retroactive. He agrees, but by this point, they had to let people go in front of me, so I have to wait. I didn't bring my lesson, so I just try to write some more emails, but I'm too nervous and now anxious about the insurance and the time ticking away...tick...tick...tick....
7. 12:15- leave dr. appointment FINALLY. Drive to Pharmacy. Park but forget to pay the meter (praise God I didn't get a ticket....this was only one of the few times God looked out for me in the midst of this). Drop of prescriptions at pharmacy.
8: 12:30- arrive back at home but can't park anywhere b/c it's street cleaning day- drive around but finally decide to chance it b/c I have to get inside and get stuff ready for work and I'm running short on time. So I park in an illegal spot and beg God to have mercy on me.
9. 12:40- walk in the door. Change my clothes b/c I wasn't wearing work presentable clothing. ha- try to get all the groceries together and pots and pans to take so that I can make dinner at the CC tonight. Try to gather together all the things for the lessons (which I didn't manage to do b/c I forgot a lot). Realize that I won't get to finish my other misc. things on my list to do today...try to take deep breaths and not let that get to me and just concentrate on the task at hand.
10. 1:00- finish looking up material for children's sermon tonight and something for dinner- begin loading up car with all the groceries
11: 1:15- get back to the pharmacy to pick up medicine. find out they couldn't fill it b/c the insurance was expired...ask them how much it costs without insurance b/c the dr. said i needed to start it today- wait around- fill out some forms that the people give me b/c they feel bad for me and want me to get my med today but not have to pay full price- finally get the prescription filled- freaking out now...going to be so late
12: 1:40- get back in my car and head to costco where I have to return something I had gotten for the CC b/c today is the last day to return it I thought (found out later it wasn't...i was confused), but rush inside to return it...realize I'm starving and haven't eaten breakfast or lunch b/c I haven't had a chance. Pick up a salad to go from Costco.
13: 2:00- get in the car to head to church- take this funny picture of myself to send to Jesse. see...I'm in ok spirits at this time, and funny pictures usually equals fun remarks from him that cheer me up. 2:05 get on the LIE- realize I left a key important part for the lesson at home. feel very down b/c i was so excited about the lesson- get sad in my head and then realize!!!!! I have an extra!!! I have one in my car and an extra at church....so I'll be fine! Praise God for watching over me and providing even when I thought I'd forgot.
14: 2:35- arrive at church- thank God for Bobby who met me at the door and carried the majority of the bags upstairs. It took him two trips and me one-
15: 2:45-50ish- begin cooking.........coook.............cooook.............cooook. Trying to go fast, but it's taking a while, and Bob and Bobby and Emily are all occupied helping students so there is just one of me against about a million cans I must open and a lot of bread to make....I had big plans to make them a nice Southern dinner tonight- homemade vegetable soup and unsweet cornbread to go with it along with southern sweet tea as well. I was excited to serve the CC kids this way, so I didn't mind working so hard to cook it...but the meal took about 2 hours to cook b/c I had to cook so much. Plus, we ran out of food twice this past month (not last week! Aunt Emily always has enough! :) hehe) So i wanted to make sure we had enough
16: 4:55- realize that we are supposed to start the Friday Fun Night game and lesson in 20 minutes and I'm still cooking and haven't reviewed my lesson yet or gathered everything to one spot for the lesson- so I start trying to figure out who can do what and giving orders to people while I sneak out into the back stairway to sit in quiet and read through my lesson and pray God will still work through me. As I reviewed, I kept going back to the oven to check the bread as well :).
Let me say as an aside: at this point, I was tired and very hungry and pretty hyped up from the crazy day, but I was still managing to hold it together and trust God. I was excited/looking forward to the special lesson tonight which was a bit different from most lessons and had a cute powerpoint to go along with 'story time' from Ms. Megin. I was also excited to present them with dinner- so I was holding it together, and Pastor Albert and Ray and Bobby didn't mind me giving them directions to help me get things running. So I was ok at this point and not mad or freaking out.
17: 5:25- start game for Friday Fun Night- kids play it...only have to tell them to please stop and listen and be respectful about 6 times. That is less than sometimes...I'm still managing to stay calm.
18: 5:35- start the lesson tonight 'story time with ms. megin.' it goes pretty smooth. they laugh where I hoped they would. I am able to get across all the main points I wanted. I felt God giving me the smooth words to transition at most parts- definitely not one of the bad lessons. I can tell when a lesson just sucks. I can just feel it- like I feel hurting to make it come out...but tonight was ok, and I'm kinda excited b/c I feel like I have made it through this test- this crazy day- I've made it through trusting God and relying on Him at each moment and not panicking...just letting him lead it and come through at each second.
19: 6:10- pray the ending prayer for the lesson- am encouraged by the kids who raise their thumbs to commit that they want to live lives like David, believing that God is trustworthy, and that they don't want to live lives like Goliath or Saul- feel strenghthened and encourage.
20: 6:15- finish setting up the plates and food which Ray had warmed up for us while I gave the lesson- give the kids directions on serving themselves- and let them go.
So till this point...I was fine....but then....
21: 6:30ish Kids start complaining about the cornbread. It's too salty! It's not sweet. I tell them it's not supposed to be sweet. I didn't have time to make the sweet cornbread. It requires many more ingredients. Plus, some ppl like the unsweet better. Continue to hear 'it just tastes weird.' 'ummm I don't like this.' 'hmmm this is strange ms. megin.' I start getting annoyed....I'm not allowed to say curry is disgusting but they can be rude to me when I cook them something from my tradition. Then I finally start eating- my first meal of the day...I'm starved. I get seconds...kids start picking 'wow. Ms. Megin sure eats a lot...' I'm losing patience.
22: Kids drink the 'sweet tea' I made them. Southern sweet tea- and exclaim 'ummm Ms. Megin, next time let us make the drinks. It's so sweet.' I say 'it was supposed to be sweet. I told you I was making you a traditional southern dinner- something different. The corn bread is dry and more salty- u eat it with the vegetable soup and then the tea is sweet.' They continue to make random remarks. I try to explain that I worked very hard today for them and would appreciate if they would not make rude remarks about the food. Tiffany gets sad b/c I think I made her feel bad...other kids don't give a rat's behind if they hurt my feelings or not. Derek makes some ridiculous remark. I tell him next week he can make dinner. I hold back tears- I have handled it till this point, but I just poured out my entire physically energy with the work of the day and then heart energy through the lesson and i feel like it is just never enough and thrown in my face. there is not one thank you but tons of complaints...it's hard...but i must hold back tears...i hate that ppl just think i have emotional breakdowns all the time. i must be strong.
23: 7:00 -I allowed the kids to stay 15 minutes extra- trying to be kind and generous...i know they like to hang out...but then when it was time to clean up....
24: 7:15: we were having to micromanage and direct each student to every single piece of trash. they wouldn't stop playing. they ignored me, ray, bob...everyone. finally i stop them in their tracks by raising my voice and telling them that they are being completely disrespectful and that I have no problem closing the CC during free time next week if they are going to continue to treat us this way. then most of them quiet down and finish cleaning...but not all. Then i realize they have gone over and gotten the props from the lesson out of my bag and have been playing with them without my permission...i want to strangle some of them momentarily... i feel very unappreciated and disrespected...hold back anger and tell them i do not appreciate that.
25: Ray helps me load up my car to head home...i had so much stuff to take home. haha it looked like i was moving out.
26: brighter moment: i get to give tiffany a little something i bought for her and talk with her. we hug. it was nice :). I feel God's faithfulness
27: 7:39-get really tired driving home- have those moments where my eyes almost shut and then i wake up shocked and scared to death. thankfully it was in the middle of traffic.
28: 8:15- arrive home, unload, want to collaspe, but go to put away left overs and cooking materials...notice Jirem is being especially quiet, then catch him chewing up the new stuffed lamb I bought as a CC prize. scold him. stupid dog. ugh, clean litter box, feed pets, vacuum up pet hair.
29: try to clean up the kitchen and break my favorite soap dish to pieces b/c the area around my sink is cramped...feel even more annoyed and discouraged...decide I have to write all this out on my blog. wonder if writing it out is sinful...am i just complaining and venting? decide to write it b/c im not talking bad about any one (except the kids) but i do tell them how i feel- it's nothing they don't know... plus, the lie Satan tells me (even tho it's so hard to believe it's really a lie from him and not the actual truth) is that NO ONE cares about and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS and NO ONE SEES me...so at least if I blog and explain my whole day, I will know that SOMEONE KNOWS. Perhaps they still won't understand, but at least I can try to explain through this...and at least I feel seen in some way...b/c I don't have someone to come home to who I can share with and who will see me...so I just pray to God...and I use the internet b/c it's false community is better than nothing...
It's 9:20. I didn't do any of the wedding planning list on Wednesday that I needed to. I also didn't finish some misc. life/work tasks today that needed to be done. I will need to do wedding things and misc. life tasks tomorrow (like appealing TWO parking tickets that I'm being charged a total of $300 for both of which are unfounded...I never received these tickets and was not in the places at the time of the tickets being issued, but the DOT says I don't have proof of that. I'm so confused at how they can write you a ticket when you aren't even there. I appealed once...it didn't work. I have one more appeal left before they rob me of $300...that I do not have...by any means!)...and I'm feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. The wedding is here in just over 2 months. So many little things remain to be done...and they are things I can't necessarily give to others to do...and Jesse keeps saying he has all of May to do things...but I wonder how in the world ALL of the things are going to be done in May. I'm afraid he underestimates the time...
It's 9:22...and the tears are finally here. Lord God, I pray that tomorrow I truly feel in every fiber of my body that your mercies are new every morning. I pray that I can get much of the things accomplished tomorrow that weigh heavy on my mind, yet at the same time, I know I need to 'rest' bc my body is tired...Please help me.
9:23- logging off. I'm scared to get on my email for the rest of the night. I'm afraid someone might email me...I'm afraid I'll feel obligation or responsibility...and I'm just very tired.
Highlight of the day: The Wongs bought Jirem a Mickey Mouse collar while they were in Florida :). I love little 'thinking of you' gifts. It makes me feel loved. Jirem was bad tonight, and I didn't wanna give him the collar, but I was so excited about it, I did anyway. Thanks Cindy, Pal, and the kids :). He's wearing it and looks very cute (and naughty!)
9:31- finishing making prints bold or italic and realize Justin and Dana won't read this...they don't like the font. It's wobbly :).
1. Wake up at 7:40- tend to pets; make coffee; sit down to check email; respond to a few.
2. 8:00- talk to Jesse for approximately 20 minutes (the typical amount I get to talk to him each day...if i'm lucky).
3. 8:30- spend time with God, pray
4. 9:20- get in the shower, get dressed, respond to emails and chats while drying my hair, getting ready, try to look over lesson, but too many pressing emails to respond to.
5. 10:20- leave for Dr. No parking but no time to hunt anymore- pay $9 for a garage.
6. 10:30- sign in at Dr's office, a appointment I waited 1.5 month for and which I must go to. Then I find out that my insurance has expired....somehow a ball got dropped somewhere, and it was not renewed b/c of different reasons but not intentionally. So I have a choice of not seeing the dr. or of seeing her but paying full price which is $225. I honestly can't wait another month for an appointment, so I call dad to see if he can spot me the money so I can see the dr. and tell him the church will reimburse me if the insurance doesn't get set up as retroactive. He agrees, but by this point, they had to let people go in front of me, so I have to wait. I didn't bring my lesson, so I just try to write some more emails, but I'm too nervous and now anxious about the insurance and the time ticking away...tick...tick...tick....
7. 12:15- leave dr. appointment FINALLY. Drive to Pharmacy. Park but forget to pay the meter (praise God I didn't get a ticket....this was only one of the few times God looked out for me in the midst of this). Drop of prescriptions at pharmacy.
8: 12:30- arrive back at home but can't park anywhere b/c it's street cleaning day- drive around but finally decide to chance it b/c I have to get inside and get stuff ready for work and I'm running short on time. So I park in an illegal spot and beg God to have mercy on me.
9. 12:40- walk in the door. Change my clothes b/c I wasn't wearing work presentable clothing. ha- try to get all the groceries together and pots and pans to take so that I can make dinner at the CC tonight. Try to gather together all the things for the lessons (which I didn't manage to do b/c I forgot a lot). Realize that I won't get to finish my other misc. things on my list to do today...try to take deep breaths and not let that get to me and just concentrate on the task at hand.
10. 1:00- finish looking up material for children's sermon tonight and something for dinner- begin loading up car with all the groceries
11: 1:15- get back to the pharmacy to pick up medicine. find out they couldn't fill it b/c the insurance was expired...ask them how much it costs without insurance b/c the dr. said i needed to start it today- wait around- fill out some forms that the people give me b/c they feel bad for me and want me to get my med today but not have to pay full price- finally get the prescription filled- freaking out now...going to be so late
13: 2:00- get in the car to head to church- take this funny picture of myself to send to Jesse. see...I'm in ok spirits at this time, and funny pictures usually equals fun remarks from him that cheer me up. 2:05 get on the LIE- realize I left a key important part for the lesson at home. feel very down b/c i was so excited about the lesson- get sad in my head and then realize!!!!! I have an extra!!! I have one in my car and an extra at church....so I'll be fine! Praise God for watching over me and providing even when I thought I'd forgot.
14: 2:35- arrive at church- thank God for Bobby who met me at the door and carried the majority of the bags upstairs. It took him two trips and me one-
15: 2:45-50ish- begin cooking.........coook.............cooook.............cooook. Trying to go fast, but it's taking a while, and Bob and Bobby and Emily are all occupied helping students so there is just one of me against about a million cans I must open and a lot of bread to make....I had big plans to make them a nice Southern dinner tonight- homemade vegetable soup and unsweet cornbread to go with it along with southern sweet tea as well. I was excited to serve the CC kids this way, so I didn't mind working so hard to cook it...but the meal took about 2 hours to cook b/c I had to cook so much. Plus, we ran out of food twice this past month (not last week! Aunt Emily always has enough! :) hehe) So i wanted to make sure we had enough
16: 4:55- realize that we are supposed to start the Friday Fun Night game and lesson in 20 minutes and I'm still cooking and haven't reviewed my lesson yet or gathered everything to one spot for the lesson- so I start trying to figure out who can do what and giving orders to people while I sneak out into the back stairway to sit in quiet and read through my lesson and pray God will still work through me. As I reviewed, I kept going back to the oven to check the bread as well :).
Let me say as an aside: at this point, I was tired and very hungry and pretty hyped up from the crazy day, but I was still managing to hold it together and trust God. I was excited/looking forward to the special lesson tonight which was a bit different from most lessons and had a cute powerpoint to go along with 'story time' from Ms. Megin. I was also excited to present them with dinner- so I was holding it together, and Pastor Albert and Ray and Bobby didn't mind me giving them directions to help me get things running. So I was ok at this point and not mad or freaking out.
17: 5:25- start game for Friday Fun Night- kids play it...only have to tell them to please stop and listen and be respectful about 6 times. That is less than sometimes...I'm still managing to stay calm.
18: 5:35- start the lesson tonight 'story time with ms. megin.' it goes pretty smooth. they laugh where I hoped they would. I am able to get across all the main points I wanted. I felt God giving me the smooth words to transition at most parts- definitely not one of the bad lessons. I can tell when a lesson just sucks. I can just feel it- like I feel hurting to make it come out...but tonight was ok, and I'm kinda excited b/c I feel like I have made it through this test- this crazy day- I've made it through trusting God and relying on Him at each moment and not panicking...just letting him lead it and come through at each second.
19: 6:10- pray the ending prayer for the lesson- am encouraged by the kids who raise their thumbs to commit that they want to live lives like David, believing that God is trustworthy, and that they don't want to live lives like Goliath or Saul- feel strenghthened and encourage.
20: 6:15- finish setting up the plates and food which Ray had warmed up for us while I gave the lesson- give the kids directions on serving themselves- and let them go.
So till this point...I was fine....but then....
21: 6:30ish Kids start complaining about the cornbread. It's too salty! It's not sweet. I tell them it's not supposed to be sweet. I didn't have time to make the sweet cornbread. It requires many more ingredients. Plus, some ppl like the unsweet better. Continue to hear 'it just tastes weird.' 'ummm I don't like this.' 'hmmm this is strange ms. megin.' I start getting annoyed....I'm not allowed to say curry is disgusting but they can be rude to me when I cook them something from my tradition. Then I finally start eating- my first meal of the day...I'm starved. I get seconds...kids start picking 'wow. Ms. Megin sure eats a lot...' I'm losing patience.
22: Kids drink the 'sweet tea' I made them. Southern sweet tea- and exclaim 'ummm Ms. Megin, next time let us make the drinks. It's so sweet.' I say 'it was supposed to be sweet. I told you I was making you a traditional southern dinner- something different. The corn bread is dry and more salty- u eat it with the vegetable soup and then the tea is sweet.' They continue to make random remarks. I try to explain that I worked very hard today for them and would appreciate if they would not make rude remarks about the food. Tiffany gets sad b/c I think I made her feel bad...other kids don't give a rat's behind if they hurt my feelings or not. Derek makes some ridiculous remark. I tell him next week he can make dinner. I hold back tears- I have handled it till this point, but I just poured out my entire physically energy with the work of the day and then heart energy through the lesson and i feel like it is just never enough and thrown in my face. there is not one thank you but tons of complaints...it's hard...but i must hold back tears...i hate that ppl just think i have emotional breakdowns all the time. i must be strong.
23: 7:00 -I allowed the kids to stay 15 minutes extra- trying to be kind and generous...i know they like to hang out...but then when it was time to clean up....
24: 7:15: we were having to micromanage and direct each student to every single piece of trash. they wouldn't stop playing. they ignored me, ray, bob...everyone. finally i stop them in their tracks by raising my voice and telling them that they are being completely disrespectful and that I have no problem closing the CC during free time next week if they are going to continue to treat us this way. then most of them quiet down and finish cleaning...but not all. Then i realize they have gone over and gotten the props from the lesson out of my bag and have been playing with them without my permission...i want to strangle some of them momentarily... i feel very unappreciated and disrespected...hold back anger and tell them i do not appreciate that.
25: Ray helps me load up my car to head home...i had so much stuff to take home. haha it looked like i was moving out.
26: brighter moment: i get to give tiffany a little something i bought for her and talk with her. we hug. it was nice :). I feel God's faithfulness
27: 7:39-get really tired driving home- have those moments where my eyes almost shut and then i wake up shocked and scared to death. thankfully it was in the middle of traffic.
28: 8:15- arrive home, unload, want to collaspe, but go to put away left overs and cooking materials...notice Jirem is being especially quiet, then catch him chewing up the new stuffed lamb I bought as a CC prize. scold him. stupid dog. ugh, clean litter box, feed pets, vacuum up pet hair.
29: try to clean up the kitchen and break my favorite soap dish to pieces b/c the area around my sink is cramped...feel even more annoyed and discouraged...decide I have to write all this out on my blog. wonder if writing it out is sinful...am i just complaining and venting? decide to write it b/c im not talking bad about any one (except the kids) but i do tell them how i feel- it's nothing they don't know... plus, the lie Satan tells me (even tho it's so hard to believe it's really a lie from him and not the actual truth) is that NO ONE cares about and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS and NO ONE SEES me...so at least if I blog and explain my whole day, I will know that SOMEONE KNOWS. Perhaps they still won't understand, but at least I can try to explain through this...and at least I feel seen in some way...b/c I don't have someone to come home to who I can share with and who will see me...so I just pray to God...and I use the internet b/c it's false community is better than nothing...
It's 9:20. I didn't do any of the wedding planning list on Wednesday that I needed to. I also didn't finish some misc. life/work tasks today that needed to be done. I will need to do wedding things and misc. life tasks tomorrow (like appealing TWO parking tickets that I'm being charged a total of $300 for both of which are unfounded...I never received these tickets and was not in the places at the time of the tickets being issued, but the DOT says I don't have proof of that. I'm so confused at how they can write you a ticket when you aren't even there. I appealed once...it didn't work. I have one more appeal left before they rob me of $300...that I do not have...by any means!)...and I'm feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. The wedding is here in just over 2 months. So many little things remain to be done...and they are things I can't necessarily give to others to do...and Jesse keeps saying he has all of May to do things...but I wonder how in the world ALL of the things are going to be done in May. I'm afraid he underestimates the time...
It's 9:22...and the tears are finally here. Lord God, I pray that tomorrow I truly feel in every fiber of my body that your mercies are new every morning. I pray that I can get much of the things accomplished tomorrow that weigh heavy on my mind, yet at the same time, I know I need to 'rest' bc my body is tired...Please help me.
9:23- logging off. I'm scared to get on my email for the rest of the night. I'm afraid someone might email me...I'm afraid I'll feel obligation or responsibility...and I'm just very tired.
Highlight of the day: The Wongs bought Jirem a Mickey Mouse collar while they were in Florida :). I love little 'thinking of you' gifts. It makes me feel loved. Jirem was bad tonight, and I didn't wanna give him the collar, but I was so excited about it, I did anyway. Thanks Cindy, Pal, and the kids :). He's wearing it and looks very cute (and naughty!)
9:31- finishing making prints bold or italic and realize Justin and Dana won't read this...they don't like the font. It's wobbly :).
Comments
and if kids can't appreciate things like unsweet cornbread and southern sweet tea, i know someone who's birthday just passed (ahem) who that would make awesome birthday presents for, and you KNOW would appreciate you tons for it. Love ya sis!!!
i love you!