Stones

When you are in such pain or confusion or suffering and you finally surrender it to God or 'submit' it to God, or, if you like, 'trust it' with God, you find that all other things smaller than whatever your pain is automatically become submitted, surrendered, and trusted to God as well. I guess our minds work such that if we are able to trust the gigantic stone to God's care, we can automatically trust all stones smaller to His care. And so maybe if we find that all the smaller stones of our lives are still tripping us up, we will also find that we haven't REALLY trusted the large one to his care.

Here is an example of what I mean: Back in 2006, I found myself in the middle of a terrible breakup after a disappointing summer that began with high hopes of happiness and seeing dreams come to fruition but ended with all hopes of each of those dreams laying in shreds at my feet. In addition, I'd come down with a horrible MRSA staff infection that had yet been diagnosed, so I was in physical pain as well and none of the dr.s were finding ways to help me. I finally told my mom how bad things were, and she decided to come up to Boston and assist me. She was on her way, however, when her flights messed up and she ended up stuck in an airport in Chicago without a cell phone b/c the airlines were currently not allowing cellular phones onto airplanes (because of some random terror attack attempt). She used a payphone to contact my sister and let my sister know she was stranded in an airport without any money or her phone. My sister eventually contacted me and told me the situation. My first reaction was calm, and I said we should pray for mom and that it would all work out. My sister, however, was furious. She felt my calmness was a reflection of my lack of care and began to berate me, especially since mom was only in the situation b/c she was on her way to see me. I quietly told my sister that it wasn't a lack of care but that I was just extremely confident that God could handle it and mom would be ok.

Another example: About 9 months after this, I had another run-in with terrible 'luck,' if you will. I was actually still suffering emotionally and physically and was reaching a breaking point. My health was still very poor, and I was attempting to travel from Boston to Georgia to see some doctors. I took a red-eye flight to avoid the high cost of airfare, and since I was pretty much alone in Boston at this time, I had to take a cab to the airport. I scheduled a cab pick-up for around 3:30 a.m. so that I could get to the airport on time. The driver showed up at 3:30 and rang the bell to my apartment, but as we reached his car, he realized he'd locked his keys in his car. It took another 45-50 minutes to get a locksmith (since it was so late), and we knew that I would be making it to the airport much later than expected and could possibly miss my flight. I, however, reacted calmly once again, patiently, and with love. The driver was extremely shocked by my reaction actually, and we ended up conversing about our relationships with Jesus and what he'd been teaching us for the time we waited for the locksmith and drove to Logan airport. We prayed for each other at the end of the drive. I made my flight, and everything went smoothly.

I recall both of these experiences and hate to admit that if they occurred today, October 22nd, 2011, I would more than likely NOT respond as calmly and confidently. You see, at both of these times, I was  broken and humbled before God. I had such 'huge' stones in front of my face that needed to be lifted in order for me to proceed with any semblance of life (so far as I could see), and I knew that I could not possibly move these stones myself. I had humbled myself before God and learned to trust Him alone with them, and as logic would have it, since I was submitted to the fact that He was in control of them and may or may not do with them as I like, I naturally submitted to the fact that he was in control of the 'pebbles,' or small stones if you will, that I confronted as well.

Oswald Chambers says, " Have we come to the point where God can withdraw His blessings from us without our trust in Him being affected? Once we truly see God at work, we will never be concerned again about the things that happen, because we are actually trusting in our Father in heaven, whom the world cannot see."

I cannot say that I wish again to have such large stones threatening me and weighing me down, but I can say that I do miss having the peace I had back in 2006 and 2007 in the face of these "perils."  

Currently, I've got some rather heavy decisions weighing on me. There is much sadness and confusion, and I am seeking God so much to trust Him with what is ahead and how even to figure that out. I pray that, if this can be deemed as suffering, it would be suffering that is not wasted. I pray I can somehow submit to, surrender to, and fully trust God in the way that once again the pebbles of life will be of no "impending doom" to me. That type of life is not only peaceful and more filled with joy, but it is one that is truly light and salt to all those around us. 

For the sake of your glory, God, bring me the strength and peace of Christ. Help me fully to trust you with the 'boulder' pressing in on me, and use it so that I might once again live a life without anxiety and worry, a life to your glory and testifying of your mercy and grace. It is shameful that we live any differently than that at any time.