Pulling out my Class Notes

There are so many things I do to assuage my sadness these days, but I've got to stop because they simply put me in a tailspin yet never accomplish their goal for more than a few minutes or hours. I recall that when I would go through terrible "boy heartaches," I'd have to call out to God multiple times a day b/c of how 'sad' I was over such-and-such boy who broke my heart. Sometimes I'd watch TV, and on the commercial breaks, I'd mute the TV to pray and talk to God. I did that a lot actually. Those were the times I'd be the closest to 'praying without ceasing' because those were the times I was the most sad. (Yes, I was one boy-crazy little girl with misplaced hopes).

So I remember that today and remind myself that that type of clinging to God is not just for the teenage or young 20's girl who is confused in 'love.' Actually, God used all my immature heart ache as a training ground for now. Most everyone knows by now that I'm in a spot of intense sadness and self-denial living here in NY and living here so far from my family. Of recent, it has been the worst of the past going on 5 years. So I've got to take that pain to Jesus just like I took the pain of when little boy whoever told me he'd found someone he loved more.

Kenny sent me an uplifting email this morning, and as I read it, I said to myself that I'd read the verses he sent me as part of my devotion. When I got to my devotion time this morning, I couldn't remember the number of the Psalms he'd sent, but I was too lazy to get up. hehe I thought he'd sent Psalm 34, and so I read it. Come to find out, it WAS the one he'd sent, but instead of just verse 10 speaking to me (the verse he sent), the entire Psalm was calling out to me and reminding me about God's character and God's promise to those who simply cling to Him during the trial. So as I read it, I told myself I've got to read this more than just this morning. I should read it multiple times a day like I used to do when I would have pain. I'd read verses from God multiple times and day to encourage my heart and remind me of truth so that I could take the next step in my day. Instead of being depressed that depression is not a new thing to me, I should actually be thankful that I've had classes in the past about how to 'deal' and walk with God through it. I just need to pull out my 'class notes' from the back of my head and remind myself about them.

Dear God, help me to remember to call out to you and not to just do the many things I try to do to escape my sadness. I confess, they are fleeting and momentary solaces, and that they so easily become idols. I want to seek you in my pain. I confess that my focus is primarily on being delivered from my pain and not on knowing you. I understand that focus is wrong, and I'd like it to be changed, but it isn't yet. I confess this, and thankfully because of the Gospel, this short coming does not keep you from loving and accepting me and 'hurting' with me. Remind of your promises and your character today as is explained in Psalm 34. Remind me to take my pain to you. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in you. Those who fear you have no lack. You are near the brokenhearted and save the crushed in spirit. You keep all my bones and redeem my life. I will continue to praise you even in pain. I will boast in you, and any salvation I have, I confess, comes from you. Those who look to you are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. Thank you for the body who prays for me. I can sense their prayers as I am reminded of your truth and character and of the Gospel. Continue to bring me to their minds that they might make intercession for me. I pray that one day again I will be strengthened and secure in faith that I might serve your people and help them the way I am in need of their help now. Your angel encamps around those who fear you. I take hope only in your promises and the truth about your character today. There is nothing else that comforts or excites me, and perhaps that is rightly so. You are the only hope. Even deliverance from current pain and problems is only short-lived deliverance. In this world, we will never fully escape heart ache and pain. We are not promised easy routes today or tomorrow or years from now. So although I wait for deliverance now, my hope cannot be in that deliverance because who knows what pain the future will hold or what trials and hardship. My hope is only that you will walk by me through it all and continue bringing me through the depressive times and the trial. I look to you, and because of that, my face becomes radiant. Amen.

Oh, and I used this picture today because of how happy we all look in that picture. They are honest smiles. This was before we headed to the fair, and the picture is taken on the morning of my birthday :). We were all together and excited and had not yet gotten on each other's nerves or become exhausted from having so much fun. :). We were filled with hope and happiness, and I like to remember those moments.