To My Second Boy
Dear Baby Boy,
You are a boy. I am sorry. I've called you a girl all this time. I really thought you were a girl. That just goes to show that humans can easily deceive themselves. We can be sooo wrong and yet SURE we are exactly right. It's okay. I'm sure you understand. In heaven, we won't wonder about these types of things. We will be as He is.
I feel like I was starting to come to terms a little more with the idea that I had lost you, and that I didn't know why. And then yesterday, through the blessing of modern science and technology, I was able to find out a few things about you. I was able to find out what happened that caused you not to be able to grow and live inside me. I was able to find out you were indeed a boy, not a baby girl. I wanted to know these things. I am thankful to know these things. And at the same time, they have made the wound fresh. Is it worth it? Yes. I want to know all I could know about you. I don't want to just forget. We aren't meant just to forget our experiences in life. At least that's not how I want to live my life. I don't want to forget any of these experiences. I'd rather God redeem them. So I ask Him to do so, and I believe He does...
I think about the fact that you had fingers and toes, toes that probably looked like Eli's, which means toes that looked like mine. I know, your mommy gives some funny looking toes doesn't she... I think about the cartilage in your backbone and how it was forming... that your internal organs were forming... you were a baby. You were my baby. I remember crying in the hospital triage room before the surgery, and speaking with our doctor. Through tears, and knowing the reality of the procedure she was about to do to remove your lifeless body, I asked her to be as gentle as possible with you. I inquired about how you would be handled, how you would be tested, what would happen afterward. You were real. You are real. I loved you then. I ached for you, that I'd never meet you. And I ache now, but I know that none of this is without meaning. It all means something, so much. Your life means so much.
Learning what happened leaves me with various emotions. Yesterday was hard. My emotions fought against each other inside of me and made no sense. I just kept giving myself time and allowing myself to think, hoping some new ground would be found in my mind, that I would arrive at some level of understanding and peace. I can't say I found that place suddenly, that it was all of the sudden clear as crystal, peaceful, water. But I had some thoughts that maybe are working themselves out...
It seems you would not have made it to birth, because of your genetic makeup. At some point, you would have lived your final moments in my womb. So a portion of me was thankful that it happened as early as it did and I was not confronted with this information, asked to make decisions, or have to go through a procedure or circumstance that was more traumatic. But as immediately as I thought that, I felt so guilty! That was all about me! I wasn't thinking of you! I don't know when babies start to feel. I am pretty confident you were too young to feel. You didn't have a nervous system, so maybe it's not entirely selfish... maybe you passing sooner means you never felt the discomfort that anything 'wrong' with you could have caused. Or would you have even felt anything painful inside the womb at any point? I don't know. I'd have to ask more questions, read more, to find out. But I suppose the point I mean to make is that I just wondered if my thoughts were wrong, selfish somehow... I wondered if they were unloving toward you. It seems I am quick to think that I have failed you. There is little I was afforded the chance to do for you, so at least my thoughts, I analyze and want to be perfect toward you.
And the phrase, even writing it 'wrong' with you. There was nothing 'wrong' with you. You were mine. There was something incompatible with life... that is what there was...
This is how God knitted you together, in my womb. God does not make mistakes. But God does work in a fallen world at the present. I'm now thinking about something I've never had to consider before... what does it mean that God knits together a child in the womb and that He allows there to be something incompatible with life in that child, something that means the child will die soon. My theology must account for that.. before, it did not have to account for it necessarily... I could try to avoid that 'hard' question.
Thank you, my child. Because of your life, my theology will at some point in the future account for truth more fully... and more personally. Without you, it would not. Without you, I would not be able to be there for anyone who experiences this reality and say to them, "I do know what you are feeling." I would only be able to guess. I do not presume that in order to be a disciple or a minister, I have to be able to have felt every discomfort every person in the world has felt, but I do believe that I need to have felt a great degree of them. I know God will continue to form and shape me... If God Himself poured Himself out and was willing to be human, humbling Himself through His Son, Jesus Christ, then I can surely be humbled as to experience the brokenness of the world in this way... I am not above my God. And in part, I welcome the experience because Philippians tells me that if I am found in Him, in His death, I will certainly be found in His resurrection and life... and 2 Corinthians 4:17 tells me that EVERYTHING in this present world is building up for me an eternal glory WITH HIM! For now, I have a mission, to share this Gospel of our God and Savior, whom you now know, my son.
I am thankful that you did not have to suffer any of the pain or frustration that your makeup would have forced you to endure. I grieve that you couldn't experience the joys in this earthly life, but I will find peace in thinking of how you skipped straight to the REAL good stuff and straight through the earthly sorrow... the REAL glory is not here in this world. We belong to another world, one where you are, and one where I will meet you some day.
I would have loved you. I would have loved you no matter. Even if you could have been born, I would have loved you. You would have been beautiful to me and meaningful and purposeful to me because you simply were. That's how God has designed it. He's designed that parents delight that way in their children as a reflection of how HE delights in HIS children. He delights in us not because of what we do or how we look or how we feel. He delights in us when we are broken and imperfect. He loves us. He just delights in us because we are His creation. He loves us simply because He loves us, and I would have loved you simply because I love you. And I do love you simply because I love you... and I will forever carry love for you in my heart. My heart is able to feel more fully because of you, my child.
Love,
Mommy
You are a boy. I am sorry. I've called you a girl all this time. I really thought you were a girl. That just goes to show that humans can easily deceive themselves. We can be sooo wrong and yet SURE we are exactly right. It's okay. I'm sure you understand. In heaven, we won't wonder about these types of things. We will be as He is.
I feel like I was starting to come to terms a little more with the idea that I had lost you, and that I didn't know why. And then yesterday, through the blessing of modern science and technology, I was able to find out a few things about you. I was able to find out what happened that caused you not to be able to grow and live inside me. I was able to find out you were indeed a boy, not a baby girl. I wanted to know these things. I am thankful to know these things. And at the same time, they have made the wound fresh. Is it worth it? Yes. I want to know all I could know about you. I don't want to just forget. We aren't meant just to forget our experiences in life. At least that's not how I want to live my life. I don't want to forget any of these experiences. I'd rather God redeem them. So I ask Him to do so, and I believe He does...
I think about the fact that you had fingers and toes, toes that probably looked like Eli's, which means toes that looked like mine. I know, your mommy gives some funny looking toes doesn't she... I think about the cartilage in your backbone and how it was forming... that your internal organs were forming... you were a baby. You were my baby. I remember crying in the hospital triage room before the surgery, and speaking with our doctor. Through tears, and knowing the reality of the procedure she was about to do to remove your lifeless body, I asked her to be as gentle as possible with you. I inquired about how you would be handled, how you would be tested, what would happen afterward. You were real. You are real. I loved you then. I ached for you, that I'd never meet you. And I ache now, but I know that none of this is without meaning. It all means something, so much. Your life means so much.
Learning what happened leaves me with various emotions. Yesterday was hard. My emotions fought against each other inside of me and made no sense. I just kept giving myself time and allowing myself to think, hoping some new ground would be found in my mind, that I would arrive at some level of understanding and peace. I can't say I found that place suddenly, that it was all of the sudden clear as crystal, peaceful, water. But I had some thoughts that maybe are working themselves out...
It seems you would not have made it to birth, because of your genetic makeup. At some point, you would have lived your final moments in my womb. So a portion of me was thankful that it happened as early as it did and I was not confronted with this information, asked to make decisions, or have to go through a procedure or circumstance that was more traumatic. But as immediately as I thought that, I felt so guilty! That was all about me! I wasn't thinking of you! I don't know when babies start to feel. I am pretty confident you were too young to feel. You didn't have a nervous system, so maybe it's not entirely selfish... maybe you passing sooner means you never felt the discomfort that anything 'wrong' with you could have caused. Or would you have even felt anything painful inside the womb at any point? I don't know. I'd have to ask more questions, read more, to find out. But I suppose the point I mean to make is that I just wondered if my thoughts were wrong, selfish somehow... I wondered if they were unloving toward you. It seems I am quick to think that I have failed you. There is little I was afforded the chance to do for you, so at least my thoughts, I analyze and want to be perfect toward you.
And the phrase, even writing it 'wrong' with you. There was nothing 'wrong' with you. You were mine. There was something incompatible with life... that is what there was...
This is how God knitted you together, in my womb. God does not make mistakes. But God does work in a fallen world at the present. I'm now thinking about something I've never had to consider before... what does it mean that God knits together a child in the womb and that He allows there to be something incompatible with life in that child, something that means the child will die soon. My theology must account for that.. before, it did not have to account for it necessarily... I could try to avoid that 'hard' question.
Thank you, my child. Because of your life, my theology will at some point in the future account for truth more fully... and more personally. Without you, it would not. Without you, I would not be able to be there for anyone who experiences this reality and say to them, "I do know what you are feeling." I would only be able to guess. I do not presume that in order to be a disciple or a minister, I have to be able to have felt every discomfort every person in the world has felt, but I do believe that I need to have felt a great degree of them. I know God will continue to form and shape me... If God Himself poured Himself out and was willing to be human, humbling Himself through His Son, Jesus Christ, then I can surely be humbled as to experience the brokenness of the world in this way... I am not above my God. And in part, I welcome the experience because Philippians tells me that if I am found in Him, in His death, I will certainly be found in His resurrection and life... and 2 Corinthians 4:17 tells me that EVERYTHING in this present world is building up for me an eternal glory WITH HIM! For now, I have a mission, to share this Gospel of our God and Savior, whom you now know, my son.
I am thankful that you did not have to suffer any of the pain or frustration that your makeup would have forced you to endure. I grieve that you couldn't experience the joys in this earthly life, but I will find peace in thinking of how you skipped straight to the REAL good stuff and straight through the earthly sorrow... the REAL glory is not here in this world. We belong to another world, one where you are, and one where I will meet you some day.
I would have loved you. I would have loved you no matter. Even if you could have been born, I would have loved you. You would have been beautiful to me and meaningful and purposeful to me because you simply were. That's how God has designed it. He's designed that parents delight that way in their children as a reflection of how HE delights in HIS children. He delights in us not because of what we do or how we look or how we feel. He delights in us when we are broken and imperfect. He loves us. He just delights in us because we are His creation. He loves us simply because He loves us, and I would have loved you simply because I love you. And I do love you simply because I love you... and I will forever carry love for you in my heart. My heart is able to feel more fully because of you, my child.
Love,
Mommy
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