Aware of Death, Day 16. Walking in New Life, Day 16. Here I go... with God.
Today is September 1st. I usually love this month. I love the Fall. I savor it. There are so many different things I love to do in the Fall, and that while doing, I simply allow myself to enjoy and relish. I planned to do these things, this year, with a baby bump...
We have two weddings this weekend. I planned to go to those weddings with a baby bump. When my body thought I was 9 weeks along, I had a small one. I took a
picture of it, obviously. At the time, I thought to myself, "man, I'm showing sooo much sooner this time! Oh no! I'm going to blow up like a blimp," but at the same time, I WAS excited, and I was eating healthy and being smart. So I wasn't bothered. I was excited to ''style'' my tiny bump for the weddings. I would be 11 weeks by then, so it would be fine to be telling people, to let them see.
However, I sit here today, at what should be 11.5 weeks, and I am without a bump. I typically love to lose weight when I think I need to. I've lost 5 of the 8 lbs I'd gained. I don't love it. I don't care. It doesn't mean anything. I actually hate it. I wish I had my baby bump. Weight, swelling, cellulite, puffy eyes, NONE of that matters. Well, I take that statement back. They DO matter. They matter in a good way. They are GOOD things. They are beautiful things. They happen to my body when it is growing a baby and creating a life. They are ''things'' from God, GIFTS from God. It took the death of my baby for me to understand that to the fullest.
Typically, I like to decorate my apartment for Fall. I have all sorts of specific decoration that I put out, and things I put away to make space for Fall decor. This is an annual tradition, and I make time for it on my calendar. I'm not sure that I'll even do it this year, however. I'd like to. Like I said, I enjoy it, but there is a lot going on, and it may get pushed to the side. It is not a bad thing to care about decorating and enjoy doing so. But it is bad to idolize it, and I think I've probably idolized it a bit in the past. No, I'm sorry. I don't 'think.' I know I have idolized it. It has mattered too much to me, at the expense of true things. I have gotten angry if I did not have enough ''me time'' to do what I like doing in the Fall.
As well, packing for trips is always a chore for me. I am overwhelmed with anxiety about the decisions of what to bring, what we'll need, etc. etc. We are leaving Tuesday, and I haven't packed, and the next 3.5 days are jampacked with events that will keep us out of the house. I do hope I can get some stuff pulled together to put in the suitcase. I'll probably still take too much because I won't even attempt to MAKE decisions. I'll just toss stuff in, but I'm not obsessing over it this time. It doesn't REALLY matter.
Some would say, ''oh no... these are signs of depression. Megin is feeling depressed. She is no longer taking joy and interest in things that typically interest her." Yes, such is a portion of the definition of depression, but that is not so much what is happening here. What is happening here is that these things, I would not say, have lost their interest to me. It is not that I don't care about them. I still want to wear nice, clean, matching, and pretty clothes while we are out of town. I'd love to have my pumpkins surrounding me and the scents of Fall permeating my house. BUT, the difference is, I am not going to sacrifice the most important things in life to MAKE these things happen or create time to compulsively do them perfection. I'm not going to secure these temporary, passing satisfactions and sensations at the expense of BEING present in the moment, at the expense of talking to people, listening to people, investing in people, slowing down, and living each second of the day. I'm not going to invest in these ''cares'' of my world at the expense of investing in my relationship with my Creator. My interest in all these things is not diminished; rather, it is motivated more purely now. It is rightly ordered. God is in the throne of my life more fully.
I do wish I could do everything I am going to do today and next week while carrying a baby in my stomach. But I don't want to be carrying just any baby; I want to be carrying the child I lost. I want my child to be almost 12 weeks old in gestation. I want the hopes and plans I had for THIS child back. But I cannot have them back. They are gone forever. They are changed forever. Instead, I have empty hands. I do not have hands embracing a round belly. I have hands clenched in fists, in prayer, on the floor, knowing this NEEDED to happen. Hands calling out to God and waiting as He meets me here... in His time. I needed to wake up. I was literally walking dead... dulled to the truth of God's true purposes all around me. Now my child has died... and now I am alive again. But my hands are not doing what I thought they would be doing...
This is what it is to have a bent of sin, to have knowledge of my sin, to see more clearly the depth of my depravity. Help me God. I cannot do this myself. I need you. I don't want to do this myself. I don't want to control my variables. I don't want to medicate my pain. I want You. I ache. I hurt so badly.
"At all costs, man must be rightly related to God... God did not come to save men out of pity. He came to save men because He had created them to be holy... Holiness is not only what God gives me, but what I manifest that God has given me..." -Oswald Chambers
You alone will make me dwell in safety, God. Nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else will answer my heart. Only You. I have nothing unless I have You, my God. I could ask, who will show me some good? But the truth is, You are the author of joy and truth. And you put into the human heart more joy and peace than when wine and grain abound, (Psalm 4). I ask God, that Your Spirit meet me here. Take me. Use me. I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me... today, I welcome Him. Take up my feeble body, for it is Yours. I am Yours. And finally, I once again realize it.
We have two weddings this weekend. I planned to go to those weddings with a baby bump. When my body thought I was 9 weeks along, I had a small one. I took a
 |
| Taken the morning of August 16th, only a few short hours before we found out our baby had passed... |
However, I sit here today, at what should be 11.5 weeks, and I am without a bump. I typically love to lose weight when I think I need to. I've lost 5 of the 8 lbs I'd gained. I don't love it. I don't care. It doesn't mean anything. I actually hate it. I wish I had my baby bump. Weight, swelling, cellulite, puffy eyes, NONE of that matters. Well, I take that statement back. They DO matter. They matter in a good way. They are GOOD things. They are beautiful things. They happen to my body when it is growing a baby and creating a life. They are ''things'' from God, GIFTS from God. It took the death of my baby for me to understand that to the fullest.
Typically, I like to decorate my apartment for Fall. I have all sorts of specific decoration that I put out, and things I put away to make space for Fall decor. This is an annual tradition, and I make time for it on my calendar. I'm not sure that I'll even do it this year, however. I'd like to. Like I said, I enjoy it, but there is a lot going on, and it may get pushed to the side. It is not a bad thing to care about decorating and enjoy doing so. But it is bad to idolize it, and I think I've probably idolized it a bit in the past. No, I'm sorry. I don't 'think.' I know I have idolized it. It has mattered too much to me, at the expense of true things. I have gotten angry if I did not have enough ''me time'' to do what I like doing in the Fall.
As well, packing for trips is always a chore for me. I am overwhelmed with anxiety about the decisions of what to bring, what we'll need, etc. etc. We are leaving Tuesday, and I haven't packed, and the next 3.5 days are jampacked with events that will keep us out of the house. I do hope I can get some stuff pulled together to put in the suitcase. I'll probably still take too much because I won't even attempt to MAKE decisions. I'll just toss stuff in, but I'm not obsessing over it this time. It doesn't REALLY matter.
Some would say, ''oh no... these are signs of depression. Megin is feeling depressed. She is no longer taking joy and interest in things that typically interest her." Yes, such is a portion of the definition of depression, but that is not so much what is happening here. What is happening here is that these things, I would not say, have lost their interest to me. It is not that I don't care about them. I still want to wear nice, clean, matching, and pretty clothes while we are out of town. I'd love to have my pumpkins surrounding me and the scents of Fall permeating my house. BUT, the difference is, I am not going to sacrifice the most important things in life to MAKE these things happen or create time to compulsively do them perfection. I'm not going to secure these temporary, passing satisfactions and sensations at the expense of BEING present in the moment, at the expense of talking to people, listening to people, investing in people, slowing down, and living each second of the day. I'm not going to invest in these ''cares'' of my world at the expense of investing in my relationship with my Creator. My interest in all these things is not diminished; rather, it is motivated more purely now. It is rightly ordered. God is in the throne of my life more fully.
I do wish I could do everything I am going to do today and next week while carrying a baby in my stomach. But I don't want to be carrying just any baby; I want to be carrying the child I lost. I want my child to be almost 12 weeks old in gestation. I want the hopes and plans I had for THIS child back. But I cannot have them back. They are gone forever. They are changed forever. Instead, I have empty hands. I do not have hands embracing a round belly. I have hands clenched in fists, in prayer, on the floor, knowing this NEEDED to happen. Hands calling out to God and waiting as He meets me here... in His time. I needed to wake up. I was literally walking dead... dulled to the truth of God's true purposes all around me. Now my child has died... and now I am alive again. But my hands are not doing what I thought they would be doing...
This is what it is to have a bent of sin, to have knowledge of my sin, to see more clearly the depth of my depravity. Help me God. I cannot do this myself. I need you. I don't want to do this myself. I don't want to control my variables. I don't want to medicate my pain. I want You. I ache. I hurt so badly.
"At all costs, man must be rightly related to God... God did not come to save men out of pity. He came to save men because He had created them to be holy... Holiness is not only what God gives me, but what I manifest that God has given me..." -Oswald Chambers
You alone will make me dwell in safety, God. Nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else will answer my heart. Only You. I have nothing unless I have You, my God. I could ask, who will show me some good? But the truth is, You are the author of joy and truth. And you put into the human heart more joy and peace than when wine and grain abound, (Psalm 4). I ask God, that Your Spirit meet me here. Take me. Use me. I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me... today, I welcome Him. Take up my feeble body, for it is Yours. I am Yours. And finally, I once again realize it.
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