Vulnerability...not just Preaching!
I feel convicted to share my prayer after my devotion this morning because if I ONLY share my devotion, it can come across that I just ''believe'' all these things without struggle, and that is not the truth- so below are the pictures of my devotion time, but after that you will find the prayer I prayed. I share it timidly because this takes real vulnerability from me. These are the things that I very much struggle with, and it is scary to share because I fear what others may think of me or how they may judge me.
Jesus, help me today from feeling like I have to get it all right- that I have to school Eli right and only him the right amount of screen time, that I need to be available to every and any person in our church or community who may need it or else I'm not serving you well. I feel like I need to be that in order to be good enough, and that is a lie from Satan and misplaced service. I should serve within my boundaries, but I struggle. I should serve within my limitations, but it is hard. Help me embrace my boundaries and realize it's not my job to calm other people's fears....that I CAN'T be people's saviors. I never could be. It's impossible. Only YOU are the Savior. I elevate myself too much when I try to save everyone even... Help me to know that I can trust people I care about to you, and that it is prideful even to think I am supposed to be meeting all these needs. You are God. I am NOT. I am weak. I need to rest and eat and nap and take time just to listen to you. I am a hypocrite if I just post all these devotions to ''help'' others and neglect just being humble and vulnerable before you and to them. Because the truth is I get scared too! Will we have enough food? Will we be able to stay inside our apartment so long? Will I be able to handle Eli's mess and not go insane with anxiety because my husband's standard for mess and mine are so vastly different? What will become of our church? Will we be okay? Will You continue to take care of it? Will we have a job? Will they have a pastor? What about my dad who just retired and my mom who can't work because of her health? And my brother trying to find work and make restitution? And my sister having just moved and trying to get settled and take care of her family and all the different medical issues? And my friends who have auto-immune diseases? Will they get infected? What about all my families' walks with you? And my kids? Eli? My husband? Schooling Eli? Baby Eden? What about my husband's family and their needs? What about our Chinese congregation at church? How can we provide for them and love them? How can we provide for their spiritual needs and make sure they also have their physical needs met? How can we communicate love to them through the language barrier and in the face of the fact that there is so much wounding from the past, even wounding we weren't a part of! What about the broken relationships in my life? The friendship I mourn? Will there be restoration? What about the many people suffering and scared? It is OVERWHELMING. These fears consume me... even our pets! How do you DO IT GOD?? I cry out to You. You make a way out of no way. I look to You my God, my rock, my refuge, my redeemer. Draw us near and answer our hearts. You have ultimate authority over this world... the demons and Satan must submit to You, and Jesus is risen from the grave. That is my hope, that You have already defeated death and the grave... and that You have promised You will never leave and forsake us. That is my only hope in the midst of all this. I rest assured only because I have You. If I didn't have You, I don't know what I would do. Thank You God for being my God and speaking to my heart. Thank You- amen.
So- the Devotion, from Sinclair B. Ferguson
And then my prayer:
Jesus, help me today from feeling like I have to get it all right- that I have to school Eli right and only him the right amount of screen time, that I need to be available to every and any person in our church or community who may need it or else I'm not serving you well. I feel like I need to be that in order to be good enough, and that is a lie from Satan and misplaced service. I should serve within my boundaries, but I struggle. I should serve within my limitations, but it is hard. Help me embrace my boundaries and realize it's not my job to calm other people's fears....that I CAN'T be people's saviors. I never could be. It's impossible. Only YOU are the Savior. I elevate myself too much when I try to save everyone even... Help me to know that I can trust people I care about to you, and that it is prideful even to think I am supposed to be meeting all these needs. You are God. I am NOT. I am weak. I need to rest and eat and nap and take time just to listen to you. I am a hypocrite if I just post all these devotions to ''help'' others and neglect just being humble and vulnerable before you and to them. Because the truth is I get scared too! Will we have enough food? Will we be able to stay inside our apartment so long? Will I be able to handle Eli's mess and not go insane with anxiety because my husband's standard for mess and mine are so vastly different? What will become of our church? Will we be okay? Will You continue to take care of it? Will we have a job? Will they have a pastor? What about my dad who just retired and my mom who can't work because of her health? And my brother trying to find work and make restitution? And my sister having just moved and trying to get settled and take care of her family and all the different medical issues? And my friends who have auto-immune diseases? Will they get infected? What about all my families' walks with you? And my kids? Eli? My husband? Schooling Eli? Baby Eden? What about my husband's family and their needs? What about our Chinese congregation at church? How can we provide for them and love them? How can we provide for their spiritual needs and make sure they also have their physical needs met? How can we communicate love to them through the language barrier and in the face of the fact that there is so much wounding from the past, even wounding we weren't a part of! What about the broken relationships in my life? The friendship I mourn? Will there be restoration? What about the many people suffering and scared? It is OVERWHELMING. These fears consume me... even our pets! How do you DO IT GOD?? I cry out to You. You make a way out of no way. I look to You my God, my rock, my refuge, my redeemer. Draw us near and answer our hearts. You have ultimate authority over this world... the demons and Satan must submit to You, and Jesus is risen from the grave. That is my hope, that You have already defeated death and the grave... and that You have promised You will never leave and forsake us. That is my only hope in the midst of all this. I rest assured only because I have You. If I didn't have You, I don't know what I would do. Thank You God for being my God and speaking to my heart. Thank You- amen.
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