How Loss Prepared Me for Today
This past week has been intense, for all of us no doubt, grappling with the shock of this new reality into which we are being ushered, some faster than others. Honestly, I have found a lot of strength through the week, and I have seen how God has literally been preparing Jesse and me the past few years for just this time. He has prepared us in our personal relationship, meaning our friendship and marriage. He's been preparing us spiritually, equipping us educationally, preparing us in terms of community, preparing us mentally and emotionally, having us engage emotional and relational challenges that, now having weathered them, serve as examples for some of what all of us are going to have to weather together in the upcoming months. It's actually pretty insane, to which many of you can testify who know various specific examples of the past months and year.I reread a post I wrote on here from November 2018, and it literally served to be prophetic to the place in which God has brought me today. When I wrote the post, I didn't understand it completely. The words seemed to come to me out of nowhere...and I understood them in theory, but my heart had a lot of catching up to do. My heart was still in a dark place of grappling with loss and grief. And then I realized earlier today that today is actually the day that would be, or is, Aden's 2nd birthday. The losses of these babies completely shaped who I am right now. And grieving them and the hopes I had for them threw me into the deep-end of having to wrestle with the emotional turmoil that was buried alive below the surface of my soul ever since my traumatic youth. Thank you, by the way, to all of you who read these blogs as I worked through so much of that the past few years... and as I said much, at times too much, about it all. Thanks to those of you who encouraged me along the way and thanked me for attempting to normalize grief and despair and self-contempt. Thanks to those of you who checked in on me, or told others to because you were afraid that I was really about to lose it completely. I appreciate(d) that you care(d). And even thanks to those who may have sat silently-possibly judging, maybe not. Thanks for not saying too many rude things or just unhelpful things. And thanks to those who did say rude things because you gave me great examples to use in the future as I teach myself and others what NOT to say and why NOT to say them. I actually mean that. I don't really mind being a test-case for myself and for this life and how we should treat each other. There are plenty of people out there who have been through circumstances that left them much more 'in the trenches,' so to speak, and much more as test-cases.
I can't imagine having a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, both boys, right now. And I can honestly say, I am glad that I have only a 4-year-old and Eden right now. But at the SAME exact time. I'm not glad that I lost Aden and wish I had not. BUT at the same exact time, I am thankful for that suffering. Yes, I realize that probably makes absolutely no sense. I don't know how to explain it. If you've been through similar losses, maybe you'll say you know exactly what I mean. Or maybe you'll think that I can only say I am thankful and at peace now because I did eventually get pregnant again, carry a child to term, and deliver her as healthy as could be despite a few hiccups. And you know what, I won't even dispute you on that because I can't say how I would feel right now had I not gotten pregnant with Eden and was still trying at this moment. I know the potential I have to be depressed and in despair. I know my potential for sin. I also know my potential to be completely at peace and sustained by God in the midst of the worst suffering. So honestly, I say, that I don't know how I would be doing...and I could see it going either way. But I guess what I focus on most today is that God gave me Eden... and He didn't have to give her to me. And He didn't have to allow her to be so healthy and such an easy baby to take care of. But He did just bless me. He gave me the desire of my heart. And I struggled SOO MUCH with PTSD in the past few years. It seemed everything was a trigger. Jesse was a trigger. Church was a trigger- church issues. Friendships were triggers. New losses were triggers. Remembering previous losses were triggers. Moving was a trigger. Extended family was a trigger. And I cried with anxiety the entire drive home from the hospital with Eden back in September because I still had SUCH anxiety that the 'next terrible thing' was going to happen at any moment. I thought literally, we will get hit by a car because things are going too well. So obviously at any moment, someone I love is going to die. And I was plagued by nearly debilitating fear for a bit after her birth, off and on.... and I knew what it was- I understood where it came from. THEORETICALLY it all made sense. But I couldn't get rid of it no matter how hard I tried or prayer or rationalized and went to counseling. I just waited for what God was going to do...how He would show up. And since then, He has. I look forward to sharing, in time, all the different ways He has been delivering Jesse and myself and freeing us, all the specifics of how He has broken down strongholds and ushered us into a new season in our walks with God. But I guess my main point is that I am walking in more confidence and freedom in God today than I have probably since I was in college or just started out in ministry, AND it is ALLLLL because GOD SAW FIT TO GRACIOUSLY LEAD ME THERE. God's kindness led me to repentance. God's kindness blessed me when I didn't deserve it and when I was doing everything right. God did it. God is sovereign. God is good. God does nothing to us that He doesn't do for us, (Elisabeth Elliot). And nothing He allows CAN SEPARATE US FROM HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US....not even ourselves and our inability to see Him or feel Him. He's still there. Even if we don't believe He is. That's fine. He's there. And He's okay with us not believing He's there. He's not leaving. He's our God. He was my God. He loved me. I was His child. He held me, even when I said I was completely alone.
And this, my friends, what I type right now, is authentic, and God is showing up daily and drawing me to Himself, and I'm sensing Him in every inch of my being. It's invigorating, so much so that even on a day like today that was tough, I am okay now and have sensed His comfort in the midst of my battling...and I didn't once doubt that He was completely pleased with me and looking to strengthen me, even when I was throwing a fit and yelling at Jesse (who was being a jerk). I didn't once struggle with self-condemnation and think I was a failure. And we're fine now. I knew that I was tired, and that it was just hard. And that I just needed God, and a break for a bit. And I knew God was there. A year ago, I would have felt alone and had to just tell myself God was there and believe it by faith. Today I believed it by faith, but I also believed it because I just knew it.
I know God has been preparing us, and as we continue to press into Him, I am amazed at the ministry opportunities He's giving us even while we are stuck in our homes. It is literally incredible. And I have a hope and a confidence in the midst of this bleakness and this complete upheaval in life. And I hope to be able to share that with others as life continues to get tough with this COVID-19...because I think it will continue to get tougher. I don't deny that. And it's going to be hard. And I don't deny that I'm going to feel the 'hardness' of it either. SO many are having a MUCH more hard time than me right now, however, and my heart is overwhelmed for them....so I pray for them constantly. I feel as if God has taken me through a time of deep darkness and prepared my heart and mind to walk with others through an upcoming time of deep darkness... and I don't say that to brag. I don't mean to sound prideful. Because it's not ME. It really isn't. It is ALL GOD. It is ALL THE HOLY SPIRIT. He has trained these little Megin fingers and this little Megin mind for war. He has put me through the fire, but He stood in the fire with me.
So I want to use this supernatural KNOWLEDGE that God has graced me with to comfort others in the face of the fires we are about to walk through and stand in the midst of.... but remember.... when the three men were in the fire for not bowing down to the king and worshiping Him, there was a 4th in the fire with them, one like an Angel of God. Surely God sends His angels to walk us through. I know He sent me angels to walk me through. So don't give up my friends. Be broken. Feel needy. There is freedom for whatever you feel- anger, rage, fear, sadness, joy, timidity, WHATEVER. Feel it. God validates those feelings. He gets why we feel them. There is space for it... and He won't leave us because we feel them. In fact, I think the very feeling of them is what will lead us to seeing Him and experiencing Him more than we ever would have dreamed... Let's walk together...
And Happy Birthday Aden. I still look forward to meeting you in heaven one day. Thank you for changing your Mommy. Thank you for living on in my heart and through who I am today...ever changed by your life and death. Ever changed by my God.... ever changing still...until I see Him face-to-face. And thank you God for Eli, and for Abellea, and thank you for Eden. And thank you...just thank you.
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