The dull and angry ache because there is no baby here

The dull ache, and the angry ache. The frustration that is completely fueled and filled with sorrow, and makes me unable to wake up and embrace anything I have to do… any tasks.

The reminder on my phone that I would be 18.5 weeks. I finally had Jesse uninstall the app for good.

Taking a pregnancy test, because it’s time to… although it’s certainly a few days early, and seeing 2 lines… and thinking “could it really be? Already?” and then telling Jesse, “quick! Go to the store and buy the REAL tests (not the 100 for 5 bucks strips that we get from amazon), so I can double check!!!” only to realize when I reached up to throw the packaging away, that I was holding a package for ‘ovulation testing’ in my hand. The 2 lines, one a little lighter than the other, did not mean I was pregnant…

“Nevermind Jesse! I used the wrong stick.” 

Trying again, with $0.05 stick….. finding one line…. Of course. What did I expect? Fighting away the self-contempt that wants to bully my own self…. “Of course you aren’t pregnant Megin. Are you an idiot? You’re not going to get pregnant. Quit testing. That’s it. You’ve had your kid. You are lucky God gave you one. You don’t deserve more. It’s going to take all His Almighty power to keep you from ruining the one you’ve got. Plus, do you think you’ve behaved well enough to deserve something you desire? You fool. Just look at yourself! Look at how little you trust God! Shame on you Megin. Shame. On. You.”

Strong words? Probably. The “tapes” that linger in one’s mind from a psychologically and spiritually abusive childhood coupled with the “tapes” of simply what the average woman feels in these matters make for one hell-of-an-awful ‘TAPE.’’

Help Lord Jesus, but I feel so unworthy of your help…

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So then I find this to pray- paraphrasing Psalm 25….

“Good and upright is the Lord; therefore, He instructs SINNERS in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.”

But God, I don’t keep Your covenant. I break it all the time. Please lead me still. Please be faithful still, on the basis of Jesus. I am a lowly sinner. I choose sin and break your commandments 

willingly each day. Help though Jesus. I hate the wretched body of sin in which I live. I hate how easily I give way to temptation to what feels good in the moment. But help me still, Jesus, on the basis of Your redemption, what You have accomplished, draw me near to You and speak to my heart. Quiet my tears and aches and moans.

“Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your steadfast love, remember me, for the sake of your goodness, Oh Lord!”

“Make me to know Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.”

I do wait God, I wait, all day, for You, until you bring light to my eyes.

“Indeed none who wait for You shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.”

I plead Jesus. My excuse is Jesus. My HOPE is in Him, otherwise,

I am shamelessly treacherous!

“To You O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies <or the enemy of my soul> exult over me. ….. For your name’s sake, Oh Lord, pardon my guilt. For it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will He instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship (the secret counsel ) of the Lord is for those who fear Him, and He makes known to them His covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord. For He will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am LONELY and AFFLICTED. The troubles of my heart are ENLARGED; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take REFUGE IN YOU! May INTEGRITY AND UPRIGHTNESS preserve me, for I wait for you. Redeem Israel, <Redeem me> O God, out of all her troubles….”