What's the Good if it doesn't make me HAPPY?

"I don't wanna hide. I want some witnesses. 

To see the thing that I'm about to do... 

I wanna make some promises that I cannot keep 

that I will be held to, Oh my God." -Derek Webb, The Vow

I am not exactly sure why, maybe it was because Jesse said something that set me off down an angry tangent in my mind right before I got on the train today. Maybe it was because I got caught up in a memory of a time that I felt happier and more fulfilled and for a moment, longed to be in that time and not in the trappings of today. Or maybe it's ''divine'' inspiration, as my friend David would call it! :) BUT for some reason, the following is something that God impressed upon my heart today. I would not say that I find myself in a time of particular struggle or frustration. But these convictions just soared through my mind and asked to be given voice--

I listened to this song on an album I haven't heard in a while, and suddenly, I needed to get everything in my head all out... write it all down, so that it could be more real than it is when it is only in my mind. I needed to make my thoughts more of an anthem and pledge to which I can fastly hold myself even when... even when...

So here is the question I pose to myself knowing full well that there is an answer and that I need to hear the answer, to have the Gospel preached again to my heart, and to once again BELIEVE the answer. Full-well, I know this answer to be true in fact, but not always in feeling. Thus my conviction becomes my creed that anchors me... and then it is true even when I can't see it to be true.

The question is: What is my marriage doing if it isn't making me feel happy? This is a question with which the world around me and my own sinful bent TEMPTS me. The answer, however, is that my marriage is accomplishing a great deal even when... it doesn't make me ''feel'' good.

There is a line in a Derek Webb song that says, "I don't promise because I know I'll always love you. I make my vow to guarantee I will."

Derek Webb is divorced. He's been pretty open about what happened in his marriage, and his faults. I've followed Derek's music since early college when he was a part of Caedmon's Call. I've been pretty obsessed with him at times. To me, he seems like a man, a sinner, making music, and trying to cultivate and honest relationship with God. And he seems pretty open about his shallow shortcomings and those of the people around him. He also speaks out against the rich, westernized-white-man-Christian, so of course I like him.

When I first found out he was divorced, I took it personal, the way a crazy person takes it seriously when her favorite 'celebrity' does something that goes against the things for which she likes to believe said celebrity stands. And as I felt it personally, it was convicting to me. I realized my sin again, as I sat so discouraged, feeling like Derek let me down. What the heck? Personally? His divorce was NOT about me! Yet, I had idolized someone just because I liked his music and his message, which wasn't even uniquely his message, and I was angry that this person couldn't make IT work. Somehow, he owed it to me, a married person, to make it work. Man, how disgustingly judgmental. He probably wanted to make it work. He probably wanted to...

If you had asked me 13 years ago if I was a judgmental person, I probably would not have wanted to admit it but still would have said 'yes, and I'm working on it.' Fast forward a few years though, to only say 10 years ago, and I would have told you I wasn't judgmental, at least not consciously. I went a while in that vein, thinking I really wasn't judging people. I was so wrong. I've been one of the most judgmental people I've know, which is probably why I've been so insecure and judgmental toward myself even... and secretly paranoid others judged me...

I don't know what Derek's deepest message behind his song, The Vow, was/is. One could speculate, as with anything. I can say for myself, however, that it is a reminder of why I stay married in the face of a world where divorce is everywhere, and in a world where spouses are leaving spouses even when one wants to stay married and work on the marriage. I have plenty of divorced friends, and I've yet to hear a story where someone tells me that he/she and his/her spouse just fell out of love and casually decided to get divorced. I'm sure that happens. But what I hear about is a lot of brokenness and pain surrounding these divorces. I find my friends have gone through deep losses and traumas. I don't find my friends wanted these things to happen. This marriage stuff is much unlike what we are taught as youngsters, what we learned about in our churches then or from the media. At least, it's much unlike what I learned about in my church as a child. It does more reflect what my wise mentors and married friends tried their best to pound into my head while I was in college and seminary, and so for that, I am thankful! Wise mentors indeed! You all did your best, but you had a lot of years of Disney, Lifetime movies, chick-flicks, and bad conservative theology fighting against you. Basically, you were waging a losing war. However, as God fought the winning war, I have, many times, in my older years come back to ''those things'' you taught me in those years... things that at the time I swore I took to heart, but that REALLY I more so put into a compartment in my head called 'passenger seat' all while letting the idealized compartment in my head press the gas and steer the wheel.

Nonetheless, in God's sovereignty, I'm pretty sure I ended up married to the ''right'' person, if one judges right based on a purpose for marriage in the terms about which I am to write ...  not in the terms of making oneself happy and giddy though. In that way, I didn't marry "right." It was by the sheer grace of God and His purposes for my life that I married the person I married. It wasn't by any grand wisdom of my own or some level of godliness and obedience. No. God just did what He wanted with me. My life has never really been my own... I realize that in hindsight over and over again.

So, what is my marriage doing? What is it working? Even when I don't feel filled up by Jesse or pursued by Jesse... even when Jesse and I bicker... when we annoy each other... when he frustrates me before I get on the train... or when we just bore each other...

1. My marriage is teaching me to find my all sufficiency and my hope in Jesus Christ, not in a person. My marriage is teaching me that Jesse isn't meant to complete me. We are not meant to ride off into a Jesse and Megin sunset or live in a Jesse and Megin bubble or just sit back and talk about how amazing it is that we love each other so much and found each other and can complete each other's sentences. I'm sure there are people out there who married someone who completes their sentences, and that is fine. Jesse and I can complete each other's sentences sometimes, but it is only because we've just learned things about each other over these years. It wasn't natural for us. But that's okay because the TRUTH is that I'm not sure we would be of much use to people if we were just caught up in a Jesse and Megin world of love and gush all the time. I don't know many of my friends that would say we relate to them. And I don't know what deeper lessons we'd be teaching people about love and commitment except that IF you are lucky enough to find a person that you FEEL such gushiness with, that it is fun and easy to be with them. Because, from what I recall from the times I've been head over heals with Jesse or some other boy, it was easy and felt fulfilling to be together. It wasn't really that hard to be together. It wasn't even a choice. It was a ''duh.'' But somehow, for some reason, none of those times ended up lasting... hmmm

Soooo... what does that mean? Does it just mean that I didn't find the ''right'' person after all? That there is someone out there with whom I would ''feel'' that way forever? See, I just don't think so. Does that make me a prude? Pessimistic? I mean, I just can't imagine that sustained feeling. I never had it whenever I did like a guy in my younger years. My mind always wandered to the next best thing. I typically felt the most loyalty to a guy whenever he rejected me actually! Why? Honestly, I just don't think there is a guy that could ever be my all sufficiency. There might be some that could come closer than Jesse ever will, but even then, I'd eventually exhaust those guys. I really believe my all sufficiency can only be found in cultivating my relationship with Jesus. And so, in that respect, I'm kinda glad Jesse doesn't just always make me feel nearly filled up. Because if he did, I might not be as inclined to seek God and put my hope in God. And one thing is for sure, men will let me down. That is, people will let me down. No person can sustain me.  Only God can sustain me. And only God can sustain me even after my body dies. So yeah, #1... My marriage is accomplishing the building up of my finding my all sufficient hope in Jesus and my relationship with Him! Or, to put it another way, my marriage is teaching me how to obey the first and greatest commandment, to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

2. My marriage is teaching me how to put another person before myself when I do NOT feel like it. Yup. Exactly. My marriage is teaching me how to follow the SECOND greatest commandment too. Jesus says we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I take care of myself even when I don't feel like. I drag myself to the pharmacy to get medicine if I'm sick; I force myself to shower when I don't want to; I force myself to get help when I'm caught in a spiral of depression or anxiety. I force myself to church and confession and repentance and God when I feel far from Him and helpless. But Jesse, help Jesse, when I don't feel like it? Love Jesse, when I don't feel like it? Honor Jesse, when I don't feel like it? OR, honor Jesse when he doesn't deserve it? Respect Jesse when he doesn't deserve it? Be kind to Jesse when he is rude? Holy Moly those things are ridiculous. Why would I ever do those things? Well, because God tells me to. God tells me to treat all people that way, and I've got a person to practice with 24-7 since I got married. Yes, I could also practice with Eli, but at least for now, sometimes Eli rewards me when I care for him. So caring for him isn't really always selfless. He affirms me, hugs me, loves on me. It's so adorable. I just eat it up. It can feel less rewarding to care for and love through action, however, a person who frustrates me or hurts me, obviously. But when I think about the fact that I made VOWS before God TO Jesse, I am reminded that I need to take serious the way I treat him, the things I say to him, and how I honor him. I vowed to... in ''sickness and health,'' LOVE him. That is pretty much allegorical for doing loving actions when I feel like he deserves it and he's great AND when I feel like he's awful OR I feel awful!

Which leads me to number 3. My marriage is teaching me to  stay true to a vow when the act of staying true doesn't feel good. Honestly, I didn't get this type of discipline in childhood. My parents ended up being lax in this area. My dad was very stern, but it was typically about stuff one shouldn't be stern about with a child. The sternness was not healthy. So in a way, I grew up pretty spoiled in lots of areas. Integrity, honesty, following through, enduring... I'm learning these things much more as an adult than I did as a child.

4. In short, I'm learning through marriage that life and what I do in life is NOT just about me, or even almost all about me. Rather, it's very little about me. It's more about other people. I'm not tasked with the job of finding justice and validation for myself. I'm tasked with trusting my life to Jesus, being hidden with Him, and then going forth and seeking justice for others, binding up the wounds of others. I'm not meant to bind up my own wounds. I am not meant to take thought for my life or what I shall eat or drink. My heavenly Father knows what I need. Rather, I am meant to seek first the Kingdom of God. Being married and having to die to myself and my desire to want to feel only happiness and fluff teaches me how to die to myself on a much more grand scale. This is helpful then when I need to die to myself in the small things in life, the small things that make up every day life and every day ministry in the Kingdom of God. I am more free to put strangers before myself or other family members or friends before myself. I am more free to sacrifice in the small ways because I've already turned over my rights in the larger conditions of life. Learning that life is not about me makes me someone who can be a minister for God and be used up by Him in the world. If I don't learn that life isn't about me, then I'll live life for myself... all the time. Literally. all.the.time.

Therefore, number 5 is that marriage accomplishes change in me. I'm being shaped and molded and grown by being married. I'm being made holy. God's purpose in each of His children is to make them into the likeness of Christ, to prepare them for the eternal weight of glory, to have them identified in His death so that they can also be identified in His resurrection. God's purpose is to sanctify those He has justified so that they can then be glorified. Marriage is sanctifying me as God uses it to refine me and burn away through fire what needs to be shed. 2Peter says that he who has suffered has ceased from sin. Not to be funny, but in a way, Jesse and I can be each other's suffering at times, as we bear with each other and our sinfulness to each other. And as we take that to God and seek to love one another during it, through action and deed and not just word, then we are made holy. Chaff is burned away.

6. In marriage, I'm modeling for my children that life is not about living for thrill, pleasure, and comfort. Well, I suppose, I'm doing this ONLY if I'm honest with them about my marriage. If I do not hide from them the fact that Mommy and Daddy have to work on things, compromise, give in, seek Jesus, repent, apologize, etc. If I teach them that there is a purpose, a reason for life, that is bigger than Mommy and Daddy and our feelings, then I am modeling this for them. If I demonstrate that Mommy and Daddy don't give up when it doesn't feel good or when we think we find something that might feel better. Mommy and Daddy set their faces like flint (Isaiah 50:7) and look toward the higher goal of serving God and having their lives become living sacrifices for Him (Romans 12), and so they remain married and work at things, trusting God to work in them and through them. I feel like modeling these types of lessons for a child is powerful. The people who model these lessons to me speak volumes. They strengthen me. I hope that God can use mine and Jesse's toil to strengthen Eli and any other children we may have one day.

Finally (because 7 is a good number, right?) I am trusting God by being married. I am trusting God with my heart, my emotions, my longings and desires, my future, my giftings, with all my good parts. I am also trusting Him with all my wounds and bad parts, parts that need shifting, change, and healing. I say that I am doing this because I am waiting with Him when these things remain unfulfilled or as they slowly work themselves out. As these things ache and change, I am sitting with God, in His time table, and waiting to see His day. I wait to see what God will do. I do not go rogue, seeking to handle my heart, head, longings, and emotions, or to bind up my wounds in some form or fashion that I see fit at the moment. Rather, I believe that a good God loves me much more than I could ever imagine, that He has known me since I was in my mother's womb, that He knows every thought in my mind before I think it, every hair on my head, that He cares for me relentlessly. I am trusting that THIS God cares about what I care about. In the way I find myself interested in things Eli is interested in SIMPLY because he is interested in them, God takes interest in my own heart's longings, hopes, and dreams. He takes notice. He sees me, all of me. He MADE me. He desires to see His children fulfilled and contented. He reforms and redeems my longings and desires. He fulfills me in His time and ways. Many people use marriage and relationships as a tool to find satisfaction and the fulfillment of their longings and desires. If I remain married even when my desires are unmet, then it is because I am trusting those desires to God, trusting that He knows what is good and right, and that He will accomplish that which is well...

I lied. I'm not done. I recalled another thing my marriage does. 8. My marriage teaches me about God... about the endurance of God toward His people. At least, that is what my marriage is designed to do. Whether or not it ultimately is a good example of God's commitment to his children is yet to be seen. But it is intended- it is meant- as a sign post that demonstrates how God has covenanted to love us. You can't tell me that God enjoys every sin I commit... I cannot certainly be a delight to His heart 100% of the time. Yet God does not forsake me. Jesus Christ could not have enjoyed the experience of dying on the cross... but for the joy set BEFORE Him, He endured... God doesn't leave us. As Jesse preached so truly on Sunday, God forsook His Son so that we might never have to ask if He's forsaken us. The answer is no. He never forsakes us. He is here... He takes the curse upon Himself. He bears the wrath. In marriage, when I commit and continue to love my spouse through truth and action, I contribute to this great sign post that points to the eternal covenant God has made with His people through Jesus Christ.

One day, all will be made well. In heaven, we will not be married. That used to bother me, when I was a child. I thought about the idea of being married one day, but then I thought about how sad I would be to go to heaven without that person who completed me. NOW I see that was because I was in a frame of mind that found her completion in a person instead of entirely in God. When my entirety of self is bound up in God, then the person I am married to in this life is a person on the journey toward God with me, not the person who is the end to which I am traveling. So in heaven, this person and I will be overjoyed, not to be married to one another, but to be known fully and to know fully our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, being found in Him! In that day, all will be well. There shall be no unmet longing or desire. In fact, any met longing or desire in this life is meant to point us toward that day when we will find quenched the deepest thirst of our lives and souls.

But for now, marriage... marriage will continue to make me... as God continues to make me... bit by bit... day by day... till His Sovereign hand parts us...