11 Years

20 year old Megin

The Hammer Holds
by Bebo Norman- please listen or remind yourself of the lyrics.

The first time I heard this song, I was in college. That was nearly 11 years ago. I suppose it was 11 years ago actually, now that I think about it.

When I heard this song, it gave me such hope. It was my prayer; it could be true of me, I thought. I had such dreams of who I would become if only I let His hammer mold my dreams and change them, and make them. THEN He would make me who I would not become, and I would be 'happy.' I'd be a person following what God had for her. I knew what type of things I WOULD do, and I certainly knew what I would NEVER do because it did not bring Him pleasure and was evil in His sight. I had the faintest idea of what it meant that I was a sinner, but honestly, I hadn't a clue about the abyss of evil that lingered inside my heart, waiting for an opportunity to arise and act. I hadn't the faintest clue of the weak state that I would remain in even after years of self-denial and 'trying' to be Christian. I had no idea that even after countless times of being the 'Elder Brother,' and not enough time seeing that I was just like the 'Prodigal,' I could wake up to feel 'wasted.'

I used to listen to this song and think that the shape awaiting me years down the road was so glorious and so alluring, if only I stayed the path... but I was impatient, and I became disillusioned, and my attempts to maintain some form or handle of control of my life led me spiraling in various ways when I did not even realize I was out of 'sync.' And I've ended up wondering if there was meaning in any of it, and I've found myself understanding the Man of Wisdom in Ecclesiastes when he says that all life is meaningless. There is another side to the world, and sometimes I feel like I am alone in recognizing this side and being unable to keep it from depressing my every day existence.

Of course it doesn't help that I seem to be powerless, at times, in the face of sin. Things I thought I would never do are things I have been done. Thoughts I thought I would never think have been thought and kept hidden behind green eyes and folded hands in prayer.

My college campus pastor used to tell us, using this helpful illustration, that as our view of Christ got larger, our view of self would inevitably decrease. Isn't that, after all, what John the Baptist said, even, in his prayer? "Lord, I must decrease so that He may increase." -JB

But sometimes I feel like my view of Christ has not enlarged; rather, I have just come to see how ridiculously low I am...

I say my view has not increased because I feel like I always knew Who He was and How He was... I suppose I just didn't realize how UNLIKE Him I was...even in my attempts to legalistically and pragmatically follow His example.

I suppose I shouldn't be so vague, but I also don't really feel comfortable just coming out and saying everything I mean sometimes because EVERYONE seems so vague to me. And everyone is embarrassed and ashamed, just like me. What, you may ask, am I expecting someone to share in small group, or on a blog or in prayer meeting? Do I expect one should say, "So I slept with my best friend's husband the other night." IfI blogged that, it would certainly be SHOCKING, right? People don't just come out and confess that sort of thing, or anything, for that matter, that they can't 'handle' be held responsible or known for and by. That's not what "we" do, especially not Christians, but I'm wondering to myself, 'maybe "we" should?' Maybe "we" should cut the crap and start being honest and raw? So I didn't sleep with my best friend's husband...but I did do this....

I think one thing my 11 years of being disillusioned about who I am has taught me is that many mistakes could have been avoided if I had just admitted from the beginning that I was no better than the person I most judged and looked down upon... and if I'd just asked for help...but that would have required acknowledging my sinfulness. And people rarely do that on a 'real' level.

Maybe we should stop living such isolated lives even while we pretend to have community. Maybe so many topics that are taboo shouldn't be taboo. Perhaps we all feel lonely because we don't REALLY let people know us and, in turn, give them the chance to love us in spite of our faults.

Eleven years ago, there was something I wanted so badly. I got it once, and I ended up not liking it that much, or- in all honesty - I just realized it didn't 'cure' all my problems. My stain, my emptiness, still rested in the center of me, and getting "this" was not the magical cure-all I always suspected something of its sort would be. Recently, I had the opportunity to have this again, and I feel as if I took advantage of it...and found myself wasted at the end. Had I learned nothing? Apparently not. Who was the immature 29 year-old staring at me in the mirror. She certainly wasn't anyone that I was proud of or would want to know. She certainly wasn't anyone that God should love, or die for...

But then I realized that I must have been thinking, beforehand, that I, to some degree, possessed some merit that God should look upon me. So praise God I sinned once more and my eyes were opened larger. Praise God I saw more clearly, but oh the filth of the sin that it took to get me there! Oh the dirt and shame of, at the same time, realizing and owning that, sans the Gospel, THIS is who I am... a person who 'learns' only so much from her mistakes and who can go against everything she believes just because it's easier, in the moment, to run from pain than to confront it. I had hoped, by 30, I would be beyond that. The Hammer Holds led me to expecting I'd be beyond it. I had way too much confidence in myself.

So I listen to the song again...and I think: how could I possibly have the slightest hope yet? I near 30 and have done things I never thought I'd do; I have shame, and I see deeper into the labyrinth of sinful desire which is my heart. THEN, at 19 and 20, there was hope... but haven't I butchered 11 years during which time I COULD HAVE been completely on fire and sold out to Jesus. I've known better, and  yet, I've given in...

But then last night, there was an episode with my father, a rather emotionally abusive episode which left Jesse in shock, me in frantic tears, and my brother in deep validation of me and comfort because he knew EXACTLY how Dad was making me feel and how WRONG it was. (Jesse, as well, did all he could possibly think of to help, even praying for me in the car after I told my father to quit taking out his anger on me). Anyway, all the emotions were kindled, and I recognized that 29 years of this have definitely influenced my view of myself and made it easy for me to hate myself and expect perfection- clouds parted for a moment, and I understood again, and I stopped accusing myself and believing that God and everyone accuses me the exact same way and could NEVER love me.

I awake this morning, however, and simple confronting reality makes me think, "Haven't You given up on me yet, God, for all the things I've done when I've known better, and all the deception that has been in my heart as I followed You, and all the sin I STILL long for on a daily basis...haven't You?"

And then as I sobbed and prayed, I listened to 10th Avenue North's "You Are More." The bridge, I put on repeat, and cried out to God...for myself.


       This is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you.
       This is not about where you've been or where your brokenness has led you too.
       This is not about how you feel but what He's done to forgive, what He's done to set you FREE.

THIS is not about me. The GOSPEL, the good news, the ευαγγέλιοn, is about JESUS and WHAT HE DID. Eleven years ago, I did not NEARLY understand that to the degree which I do today... so I suppose all the crap, all the screw-ups, all the pain and mindless wandering has fruitful because I've started to understand a bit more...my view of Him HAS increased...and that is why I have decreased.

If you find yourself hating yourself, ashamed, wandering, confused, disappointed, conflicted...or anything like that....OR if you find yourself proud, arrogant, righteous and deserving, look unto the Gospel. Listen to the lyrics of this song ABOUT the Gospel. Stop looking in the mirror; get on your knees; humble yourself, and look...to...Him.