A Short Story

The day began relaxed. It was Saturday, FJ didn’t have school, and Maggie was excited that she’d be able to spend the entire morning with him, the 4-year-old nephew she adored with all of her heart. Maggie’s time in the Word had been exceptionally deep that morning, and although her morning run to the local water dam was strenuous, she was feeling particularly satisfied and calm. The fact that there was a new addition to her family, another baby nephew, Eli, of course helped her mood.

Maggie had plans for the evening, but as the day wore on, she decided to cancel them so that she could, instead, spend more time with her beloved nephews, help her sister handle a new baby and all the fuss which having one created, and spend time with her family that she did not often see due to the fact she lived over 1,000 miles away. Maggie felt a little guilty about breaking her plans, but she told herself she didn’t get to see her nephews that much, and the guilt was worth it to spend just a few more moments with them.

Later in the afternoon, Maggie’s dad came over. The house was now full with: two children, Maggie’s mother Margaret, Maggie’s sister Beatrice, Beatrice’s husband Fred, and Maggie’s father, Jim. The only people missing were Maggie’s brother, Tred, and his girlfriend. So everyone lay around participating in small talk, random activities, and watching television. It seemed the day might turn out fine even though typical days with so many of Maggie’s family members together in one location did NOT always turn out ‘fine.’

Around 4:00 p.m., Maggie decided she just HAD to have some ice-cream from her favorite local ice-cream shop. The stale Doritos she’d been munching on just were NOT doing the trick. Her dad, Grandpa Jim, had offered to drive her, and so the plan was set. Maggie went to ask little FJ if he’d like to go get some ice-cream with them. Of course, his answer was an ecstatic YES! He’s 4-years-old. What 4-year-old DOESN’T want ice-cream? BUT, there was one dilemma. He was in the middle of his ‘favorite cartoon.’ He needed Auntie Maggie to ‘pause it.’ Such a task wouldn’t have been a problem say 10 years ago, but in the present day-and-age, all televisions and Bluerays and DVDs were about as hard to operate as army tanks, in Maggie’s opinion, so she couldn’t quite figure out how to make the ‘pause button’ work and ended up, inadvertently, turning the television off. This made little FJ VERY sad, and he began to whine. Maggie tried to assuage him by saying that the TV was still recording the cartoon, but FJ happened to know more about the TV than Maggie did, actually, and he KNEW that what she said was false. FJ’s parents, Beatrice and Fred, began assuring little FJ that since the cartoon was on the DVR they could get it back up later and he COULD see it. Everything would be fine…FJ said ‘ok,’

But then…

Grandpa Jim, who is infamous for having some love and fine knack for teasing and provoking people, especially children, began telling FJ that it wasn’t saved and that he wouldn’t get to watch it later. It was GONE! Everyone else insisted that the little cartoon was INDEED saved, but Grandpa Jim wouldn’t stop. FJ continued to whine and whine. Maggie pleaded, “It’s fine FJ. Come on! We’ll go get ice-cream and watch it when we get back.” “But Granddaddy said it’s not recording,” FJ cried in a whiny sing-song voice. Grandpa Jim just laughed.

“Stop it! Stop teasing him,” Maggie said sternly to her father. This made her father just laugh more and say “It’s just so funny,” as he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. Maggie jumped away “Don’t touch me! I hate how you have to tease the poor kid!” she retorted.

Grandpa Jim rolled his eyes and walked over to the couch to sit. FJ continued to whine and was now stamping his feet on the ground. Beatrice told him to stop immediately or he was going to get a spanking. FJ kept going. That is when Maggie figured that all this was TOO MUCH for ice-cream and said matter-a-factly, “Nevermind. We won’t go. It’s not this big of a deal.” Then she walked over the couch and sat down very annoyed that there was so much drama around a simple ice-cream trip and wishing her father didn’t get such a kick out of instigating whining, whining that he said was only due to the fact that FJ was spoiled. Spoiled or not, there was no need to tease a child just to make him cry!

Maggie saying that they wouldn’t go, however, apparently set FJ off on more of a tantrum. He took his pacifier out of his mouth and threw it across the room. “That’s it!” Beatrice yelled, “To the bedroom!” The two of them left the room, but Maggie could hear the ruckus in the background. FJ continued to pitch his fit and throw things. He was getting spankings. Maggie couldn’t take it. She felt SOO awful and so bad for the kid and so angry at the entire situation.

Margaret, Maggie’s mom, looked over to Jim, her ex-husband of 14 years now, and said, “I just don’t get why you have to tease him all the time?” Jim protested, “Why is it always MY fault?” Maggie, who usually tries to stay out of battles between her divorced parents jumped in to lobby for the truth in this episode, “Well, Dad,” she said, “You WERE teasing him and telling him the show wouldn’t be recorded.” Dad got a stern look on his face and said he was tired of always being blamed for everything. Inside her head, Maggie lost it. SUCH COMMOTION! SUCH SIN! THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE WHO LOVE ONE ANOTHER SHOULD ACT TOWARD ONE ANOTHER, AND SHE WASN’T USED TO THIS!

Maggie had moved away from home at 18 and had spent the past 11 years experiencing life surrounded by semi-emotionally healthy people. Stepping back into her home environment was always a challenge. She could usually handle it for small amounts of times, but ever-so-often, she had to step away. This was quickly becoming one of those ever-so-oftens…she feared the THOUGHTS in her head might start spouting out causing even more confusion and disaster.

FJ was still in the bedroom with his mom, Beatrice, getting his spanking and screaming. Maggie wasn’t even thinking about that specifically anymore. She was trying to restrain her own emotions. She got up and said she was just going to go get some ice-cream alone and would be back shortly. “Just go with your dad,” said Margaret, Maggie’s mom. “I’d like to go alone,” responded Maggie. “Because this is ridiculous.”

Maggie tried to leave the house, but her father’s car was blocking the driveway. “I can’t leave until someone moves their car,” she said, getting increasingly annoyed. “Just take my car,” called out her mother. Maggie said, “I can’t go through the drive-through in your car, Mom. The windows don’t roll down and I’m in my PJS and don’t wanna go inside!” (This would have been humorous under normal circumstances, but wasn’t on this day.) “I’ll move my car,” Maggie’s dad, Grandpa Jim, said shortly. Maggie picked up her keys and followed him out the door. At this point, she realized that her dad was particularly angry, and she watched him get into his car and drive off instead of just moving his car. Maggie began to drive away to get ice-cream but then realized that she’d forgotten her purse in the commotion and had no money. “UGH!!!!” she thought. She circled back around to the house, banged on the locked door, and was answered by her brother-in-law Fred who matter-of-factly and harshly said “Don’t bang on my door!” Maggie didn’t appreciate being semi-scolded by him, but she had banged on the door unnecessarily, but REALLY? In the midst of all this SHE was going to get called out. So frustrating!!!!

Maggie picked up her purse and left again, praying to God the whole time. Fuming at how everyone in her family related, asking what she could have done differently- thinking of all the ways she had messed up- wondering why her dad was like he was- wondering if he’d come back over before she left town again in a day or if he’d just pout until someone comforted him (as usual)- wondering if she really even wanted ice-cream….now she felt fat….her weight was always the thing she could control when surrounded by her family where regardless what she did, nothing was controllable and she could often be blamed or hurt even if she was delightfully perfect. She remembered this type of thing as a daily occurrence in her house growing up and thought to herself “No WONDER” she had emotional issues which she’d been working on resolving since she was 16-years-old.

As all of this was going through her head, she noticed her phone vibrating. By this time, she was halfway to the ice-cream shop and contemplated not answering because she feared what awaited her on the other side of that phone. The number flashing was her sister’s, Beatrice’s. She answered though because that was the RIGHT thing to do? Yes, it was. Answer Maggie; be loving, so she did.

“Yeah?” she said.

“Why did you leave without FJ? He’s crying. Why didn’t you wait for him!!?!?!?” Beatrice asked and demanded all at the same time.

“What?” Maggie asked, “I didn’t think he could come. I thought he was getting in trouble. I’d asked him before to come and he just kept whining and crying. I didn’t know what was going on, and Dad got mad, so I just left by myself.”

“But he was just getting in trouble. He would have calmed down in a second. All you had to do was wait for him! Now he’s all sad that you left without him and he’s crying up a storm!” Beatrice continued in a judgmental and disappointed tone.

“Well I’m sorry! I’m not a perfect mind-reader, and I didn’t think about all the future outcomes. I honestly didn’t. It didn’t cross my mind. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I’m sorry.” Maggie said.

“Well you don’t want to come back and get him now?” Beatrice asked?

“Umm, not really,” responded Maggie, “I’m almost to the ice-cream shop, but I’d planned on bringing him his favorite ice-cream back.”

“But he’s crying Maggie! He’s just a kid! You won’t just come and get him? You could have waited in the beginning!” Beatrice said, still with a disapproving tone, and seemingly in shock that her sister would not return. Maggie could feel the judgment coming through the phone…and the judgment seemed SO unfair.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know! I honestly didn’t think about it in the moment. I’M SORRY! I SCREWED UP I GUESS. I’m bringing him some ice-cream back, but it really doesn’t make sense for me to turn around and drive all the way back to get him.”

Beatrice sighs, and then flatly and coldly said, “Well ok. Bye.”

As soon as the phone cut off, Maggie screamed into the air, “IT’S NOT MY FREAKING FAULT! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. HOW CAN YOU SPEAK SO DISAPPROVING OF ME!? DAD TEASED HIM! I DIDN’T KNOW HE COULD STILL GO? THIS IS NOT   RIGHT!   ;ASLKDJFA;LKSDJF;ALSDKJF”

She remembered all the feelings from childhood. She remembered how she’d shut herself in her room for hours or days at a time to avoid this type of relating. She remembered how a situation would often times come back to being her fault or to at least her doing something wrong in it, especially since their father had always showed Maggie more affection than he’d shown Beatrice.

By this point, Maggie was crying a lot and did not want any ice-cream. She turned around and headed back to the house. She desired to arrive at home and go straight to the room she was staying in, cry, and call her husband, but first she had to walk through the living area and get her computer. She didn’t want to see Beatrice at all, so trying to keep her eyes on the ground she passed through to get the computer, but she forgot her cord, and she had to walk back in there a second time. During the second time, her mother heard her crying and asked what was wrong. Maggie should have just kept quiet, but she didn’t.

“Because somehow this whole thing became my fault because I didn’t wait on FJ before I left, and I had no clue I was supposed to, and so now Beatrice is like disapproving of me and upset.” Maggie said. She felt like a dejected and manipulated child.

Beatrice looked up from holding Eli, “I wasn’t upset,” she said flatly. “I told you ‘Well, ok.”

Maggie’s eyes got big and she contested, through sobs, “Your tone was so upset! And you acted like it was the most stupid thing in the world that I would have DARED leave without taking FJ.”

Beatrice said, “Well yes, at first I was upset, but once you explained yourself, then I wasn’t anymore and said it was ok.”

“With all due respect, Beatrice, your tone did NOT sound that it was ok. You were mad and thinking that I would do something selfish or thoughtless in regard to your child whom I love.”

“Well,” Beatrice responded, “When you get mad, you could hurt him…maybe on accident, but you still do hurt him when you’re mad and that’s not fair. So I have to protect him. He was upset that you had left him, so of course I was disapproving. You’ll understand one day when you have a child. Plus, last week, Uncle Tred promised to bring FJ ice-cream and then never did it. And you were doing the same thing,” Beatrice’s composer was still held…like she was not bothered one bit, and she added, “There is no need for you to be all DRAMATIC about this though Maggie.”

“Dramatic??!?!?!” Maggie thought. She turned to walk away to the room- so many thoughts going on in her head. And the situation with Uncle Tred? What the heck?! That had nothing to do with HER. “I wasn’t rude to you or disapproving,” Beatrice called once more. “If you feel bad, it’s in your own mind. I didn’t make you feel bad,” she said with stern resolve and in a way that made Maggie feel the size of a pea and as if her own feelings and experience did NOT matter…a feeling which Beatrice made her feel so many times in life that she had eventually reached a point where she felt her mere EXISTENCE was wrong and that she had to work for perfection to have any worth in Beatrice or anyone’s eyes. That was not right though; yet, this circumstance was just another layer on that hideous cake.

So Maggie stopped and turned back around, hoping to barter for her own self-worth and validation, “But your tone at the end, can you not even apologize for that? If you really didn’t mean to be rude? Can you say you are sorry for your tone that was rude?” Maggie asked.

“Well I’m sorry IF my tone offended you, Maggie, but it wasn’t rude,” said Beatrice.

Fail. No validation. Maggie left the room…defeated, deflated, dejected, in tears, and 12-years-old again…alone.

Maybe she was only seeing the situation from her own point of view, but she couldn’t help but think the following:

1. In the past 11 years, she’d learned that an apology was “I’m sorry for DOING _____” not “I’m sorry IF YOU FELT or THOUGHT or TOOK my actions to mean _____.” But in her family, REAL apologies never happened. It had taken Maggie a long time to learn how to do real apologies because she never heard of them until her 20s and had learned the practice of pride (a practice that actually came naturally to her), but she HAD learned to offer real apologies, and DID do that now, and it really hurt when other people couldn’t give them to her…
2. Would it really be the RIGHT thing to turn around and drive 15 minutes BACK to the house to pick up her young nephew after he had been pitching a fit, throwing things, and wouldn’t calm down when he was told to or stop throwing things? Was Maggie wrong to think it was semi-ridiculous to cater to him that much after he expressed his behavior in such a way? It was a very sad situation being he was provoked by his adult grandfather, but there was nothing to change that now. She loved her nephew DEARLY, more than most people knew, but she really didn’t think it was selfish or wrong NOT to return to go and get him. Maybe she was wrong, but maybe not getting him was even right? She didn’t know. But perhaps in that situation, Beatrice could have just comforted the child and let him know that Auntie Maggie was on his way back without having to make Maggie out to be the villain.
3. Why couldn’t she, Maggie, be believed? When she SAID she HONESTLY wasn’t thinking “Oh I should wait. FJ will calm down and then ride with me to get ice-cream.” Why was that so hard to believe? Why was it so hard to say that Maggie’s actions were not thoughtless or selfish. Beatrice’s attitude and tone relayed that she could NOT believe that to be the case, that Maggie was just lying or just inconsiderate. This is how Maggie felt OFTEN growing up, and it had really played a number on her. She often continued to feel misunderstood or blamed, her honest intentions in a situation not validated or believed. This can play a huge number on a person when he/she experiences it for 29 years… It was constantly like this for Maggie though…a case of ‘Well you really did this because you did once before when you were 8 years old,” to which Maggie would think, “REALLY? BUT I’M 28 NOW! Things are PROBABLY different…can you not believe that?”
4. How do you carry on when you are standing face-to-face with someone who will only say that you are wrong and make you feel awful, without taking any wrong-doing on him/herself. Maggie was seen as someone who would really hurt her beloved nephew or be so careless as to get angry and then hurt him in the process? Why is it that Beatrice thinks SO little of her as to assume that?

Maggie sobbed on her bed for a while. Her mother came in to try assuaging her. Her mother said she understood Maggie and agreed with her about everything, but that Beatrice was just trying to protect her child. Her mother said it wasn’t an excuse, and that she was going to talk to Beatrice later. Maggie was not all that comforted. She heard this song-and-dance before. Mom was the peace-maker, and she would comfort Maggie by saying Beatrice was wrong but then later comfort Beatrice by saying Maggie was wrong. That was just the nature of their mother. She wanted everyone to feel ok.

As the night continued, Maggie found herself still dejected. She took a 2 hour nap, awoke and ate cereal, and then went back to bed. Beatrice came in around 9:30 to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie with the family. Maggie supposed this was the ‘peace-making’ stick…that’s usually how arguments were resolved…just forgotten, pushed under rugs, without acknowledgment of personal guilt and real reconciliation.  Maggie couldn’t even face her sister, however; she felt too low to the ground and just over the way everything had played out, over how unhealthy and unChristianly the entire thing was. It wasn’t right. LIFE and RELATIONSHIPS should NOT be this way, and Maggie was not used to living in this type of environment anymore yet here she was…in the midst of it…a PART of it. She was weak. She declined, and stayed in bed praying and thinking.

Maggie ‘felt’ like she was coming to serve and help but then had just been treated like someone who would be immature, unthoughtful, selfish, or something else negative. Maggie ‘felt’ spit all over her face…Maggie thought “this must have been how Jesus felt.” Maggie thought, “It has taken years for me to begin to trust and open up to my family, and in one afternoon, years worth of work can be torn away.” Maggie was guarded. Her walls were up entirely…more than 12-inch thick walls that encompassed the bedroom in which she was sleeping. Thicker walls were up…walls designed by the Master of Confusion himself, and she was quite sure he was delighting in them. She cried out to Jesus. She cried out in general, and she fell asleep.