Ellis, Saul, Me

Holding Baby Ellis and observing him teaches me much. I recall that holding Franklin as an infant had similar effects on my Spiritual walk. I see that Ellis can sleep soundly and peacefully when he is held by one of us, but if we lay him in his cradle, he is discontent. It does not matter how much we swaddle him and cover him, nothing can quite make up for the warmth of a body holding him near. Nothing can quite compare to feeling the heartbeat of his mother, father, or aunt. So I am reminded that he is a perfect picture of how humans have been created by God with a need to be near Him and feel His warmth and heatbeat. He has MADE us to be loved and in relationship with Him, but sin has led us into a world where everything gets muddy.

A child who grows up in an abusive home of some sort will undoubtedly experience depression, anxiety, anger issues, or something along one of those lines. Why? Because the child did not have the stability and love and relationship that he/she was wired for as a baby, toddler, kid, teen, etc. We are made to walk with God in a perfectly fulfilling and STABLE environment. God is ALL we would need...but the evil interpreter lied to us, and we believed him. The world is perplexing and painful enough...so much so that the desire and craving for worth, love, and stability is aggravated. If these things do not come from home, and ultimately from knowing Jesus as our Savior, where shall we find them?

I am in the middle of reading 1Samuel. The portion of Scripture I am up to is the kingship of Saul and all he blunders. This morning, I read about a perfect example of righteous anger. The text is 1Samuel 15:11, and one sees that after God tells Samuel that He has rejected Saul as king; Samuel is "angry" and "cries to the Lord all night." Many times when I am here in Georgia, in the midst of my family and how everyone relates with one another and with God, I am driven to much anger. I don't often handle that anger in the best way; therefore, I end up feeling guilty and repentant because I have snapped at someone. However, speaking with my counselor last week, and thinking about it more and more, and then seeing this text this morning, reminds me that there is RIGHTEOUS anger that is appreciated and valuable to the Holy life. Righteous anger against sin and suffering, pride and selfishness can lead us to seek Jesus all the more and become passionately involved in the renewal of the RIGHT way of the Kingdom. I pray a lot about how to handle any 'righteous' anger I experience. Samuel seems to do it well though. The text tells us that he prays to the Lord ALL NIGHT. I suppose the person with the answer to how to handle anger IS the Lord. Instead of spouting my anger at a family member, I must first go to the Lord. If my anger is righteous, then I can be assured He is just as frustrated and wants just as badly (and more) for the RIGHT way of the Kingdom to be in place.

I also find it interesting that in 1Samuel chapter 15, Saul comes back from battle against the Amalekites and sets up a monument for himself, not God. This leaves me almost flabbergasted because earlier in his life (as reflected in chapter 11), he is found giving all the glory to God over the battles won. He has previously realized that the Spirit of God has worked through him, but for some reason now, Saul is found doing something to assuage his own feelings about himself, perhaps? I wonder, what has happened during these years, Saul? The chapters of 12, 13, and 14 show us some of what happened; we see that Saul continually jumped the gun or did not do what was right in the sight of the Lord...and I think we finally find out WHY he acted in these ways in chapter 15.

Saul had seem many conquests of land and had held back the Philistines during his kingship. One might think that would give him a high self-esteem, but somehow it didn't. One notices, he was always quick to put the 'strongest' men near him, like he was afraid that if they were not by his side, in his army, he would not win. That seems to me that his confidence was not entirely in God (or in his own strength) but in the strength of man.

In chapter 15, Samuel comes and is approaching Saul, and Saul greets him, in the name of the "Lord," but Samuel will have none of it and calls Saul out on sinning before God by not devoting all at the camp of the Amalekites to destruction and killing King Agag. Actually, Saul has kept much of the good and has spared Agag's life. When called out, Saul immediately begins to rationalize his sin as well as say that he had to save the good things for sacrifice 'because of the people.' (Meaning because the Israelites wanted him to save the good things). BUT, Samuel will have none of it. "Stop!" he exclaims. "I'll tell you what the Lord you say you serve told me last night Saul! He said he is rejecting you as king and taking the kingdom from you!" Samuel says to him, "Although you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of all the tribes of Israel? To obey is better than to sacrifice." And then he compares Saul's sin to idolatry and divination. Righteous anger...? I'd say so. Saul then admits that he feared the people...

I can't help but surmise that Saul did not actually see his own worth as being chosen by God to be king. He did not find security in God's calling of him and God's judgement of him. He sought the approval of the people...the conquest of land...the judgment of the world. He found strength in his own military conquests and reputation. Personally, I see in Saul a deep desire for love and stability...the same kind that Ellis derives from being held, but I wonder why Saul could not find it in the Lord...

until...that is...I think of myself.

In a moment of despair and repentance, Saul cries out for forgiveness as Samuel is leaving. He tears off a piece of Samuel's garment trying to keep him from leaving, an act which Samuel says resembles how the kingdom has now been torn from Saul because he did not trust in the Lord. Samuel then leaves Saul shortly after that, and the text tells us that he never saw him again until his death but that he grieved greatly over him.

I AM Saul: There is NO difference between us. God sought to create a people to worship Him, reflect Him, make Him famous, and be joyfully in COMMUNION with Him. God sought that with Saul, and He seeks that with me. I cannot do it...just let God be enough from the start...no one could, so Jesus did it. I do not deserve Christ's righteousness, and He does not deserve my curse. I could think about that all day long, but it would not be enough.

Saul was afraid of people and needed, wanted, craved to feel good about himself. If only he could have looked to God to see his own worth, that he was one created by THE King. If only...

But what about me? I have the opportunity now. What will I do with it......  Oh God, I need your grace as I walk around in this body of flesh...