Hard Things

This article from the Gospel Coalition encouraged me like manna to a dry soul this past week. I suppose my soul isn’t actually feeling that dry as it has in years past, so the analogy is a bit dramatic. Perhaps it is better stated that this article was validation. Affirmation is my love language. I need to know I’m on the right track. I can handle negative feedback, but pretty much only if I’m affirmed. It is just how I’m created. So thank you God that you led me to this. Thank you for using it to affirm me.

The truth is, staying at one church all these years has been a struggle. I have felt pressure, from myself, from the world, from looking at what other people with whom I went to school and seminary have done with their lives. Many of them have made names for themselves, it would seem, in a way that I have not. Making a name for myself, that is enticing.

About the time I married Jesse, there was a war in my heart because a part of me wanted to leave, to move on, to head off to Nashville, and start over. I could pursue music, for God’s glory. I could find a new and more thrilling relationship. I could escape all the drama that was starting to unfold after having lived in one place for 4 years. Sure, I might look like I was giving up to the people who were part of my “New York” life at that moment, but what would that matter? I could start a new life! It was tempting, and I was going through a lot of personal searching and grief, so it almost seemed like a great way out, the easier way. But I knew it was not what God wanted. I knew in my heart, God wanted me to marry Jesse, this man He’d showed me could work with me, could partner with me, and with whom I could partner and serve. I knew in my heart, God wanted me to commit myself to our church, even if I didn’t know why, and even if I didn’t see what amazing things were on the horizon for us. And I can’t say that by choosing to commit to stay, things got easier. The first few years of marriage for Jesse and me were tough, and for anyone acquainted with our most recent church history, church life got a bit more hectic and dramatic starting around that time. So God was calling me to stay put, and He wasn’t intending to make my ride all that easy for a good long while. It was hard to obey. And when I expressed my pain and doubts about obedience, some people told me that it probably meant I just was not called to do it. Thankfully, I was stubborn enough to want to prove those people wrong, and thankfully, I trusted God enough to know that that they were wrong. Leaving would have been the easier route. Staying in the face of it not being easy demonstrated the gut it took to be in ministry even though I had a few “Job’s friends” who said I must not have any gut or else I wouldn’t be having such a tough time. I didn’t find much validation outside a few close friends and my counselor. People jokingly, and somewhat carelessly, refer to that period as when I had my breakdown. I know what they mean, although it’s not very kind when they say that. But I pushed through, and I learned a lot about endurance…and living even in the face of people thinking the worst of you and thinking you are weak, too sensitive, and just not able to cut it in the ‘’real world.’’

And I don’t say any of that to brag because if I were completely honest about my life during all those years, I would have to share mistakes I made of which I’m not proud, ways I coped with pain that didn’t honor God or bring Him glory. There were relationships that suffered, and I wasn’t that nice to some people who I felt didn’t understand me or who were hurting me. I pulled away from a lot of relationships. I kept some people at arm’s length and built up walls to protect myself. I did not suffer well all that often. I suffered. I kept calling out to God. I flailed around. I survived. God is good. God shows grace.

But this article reminds me that single-mindedness, character-development, and hard work ARE things that ultimately glorify God. Running along to the newest and next thing that is shiny and flashy and attracts attention to ourselves, that may look like it glorifies God in the short-term, but it is often the seed that falls on rocky soil and does not take up root. It is the seed that is easily washed away when the storms come. It is the house upon the sand.

I think about all that has gone into figuring out the future of our church body at GFC… replant? Revitalize? Merge? Jesse becoming pastor? But there was no search committee? Did they even want him? Some people said “well what if we don’t want him?” I know what they meant, it seemed like he was just forced upon them. It seemed like everything was forced upon them, and the people who had forced it were gone, so now who was left to blame BUT Jesse and me? But those words still hurt even if those who said them didn’t mean them personally. And there were others. There were many times people questioned whether we just wanted to kill this church, which was ironic because if I really wanted to see the church die, I would have left years ago. I didn’t want to see this church die. I didn’t think this church DYING and not existing was what was glorifying to God… I didn’t even want NOT to have service. I didn’t ENJOY any of this stuff. But perhaps we were words in different ways. We had to work at communicating. And I think we did… it was messy, but we all worked hard. We quickly realized we had to be careful with the word ‘die.’ Perhaps it had too much baggage. We didn’t want death as it was being interpreted. We wanted life. We just were trying to figure out the best way to get there given the circumstances which faced us and our limited man-power. We were open to suggestion. We wanted to trust people, and we wanted people to trust us. We were going to have to work this all out. And I think God helped us, praise Him for that.

At times I felt like there were people who perhaps thought that just bringing in another pastor would be the best idea. For a while, I feared that a lot and worked my fingers to the bone trying to convince people that we loved them and wanted to work with them, PLEASE accept us. It seemed like I ran into two groups of people during that time. The first group was like, “Megin. We know that. You don’t have to convince us. Calm down.” The second was like “Megin, it doesn’t matter what you do. I’ll never believe you...” So eventually I realized, (thanks to God), that convincing anyone of anything was not my job. My job was to follow God… to focus on my relationship with Him, to love Him first and then love others… REALLY love others, even if that meant saying things they may not want to hear, and even if that meant apologizing for things I didn’t mean to do but had done nonetheless. Leadership. Humility. God was teaching me those two things. And yet, people still left. Some because they didn’t trust us, others because they said they thought we were on the right track, but this wasn’t for them. It was hard. It’s still hard.

When it all started, there was also the accusation that Jesse and I wanted certain people or some people just to leave. I was shocked. I didn’t want anyone to leave! Did they not know me? These were the people in whom I found my identity, (which wasn’t exactly the right thing by the way….but that’s another story). I didn’t want to lose a soul! I remember even using the analogy and saying, I don’t want ANYONE to leave, but I do want to do what makes the most sense for us…God’s will…and I want us to all figure out that together. I want us to seek God’s will together and move forward, and if we move forward in some direction and someone leaves because they don’t like it, I’m wiling to accept that, but I’ll be devastated and have to deal with it. I gave an example and said, for example, if this whole things succeeds, but it means _____ leaves, I will literally be crushed, but I will accept that if it is God’s will for His glory and His good. The person whose name filled that blank was a person I honestly did not think would ever leave. I could have sworn on my dog and all the pizza in the world that person would stick with it, stick with us, to the end. I was wrong. And I’m pretty sure that person left because they didn’t like the decisions, they felt we made, but I don’t know because they wouldn’t tell me. I have to live with that… but it’s hard.

So this article comforted me…. God sees. That is what it said to me. Other’s don’t have to understand. Other’s don’t have to accept. Some will. Some won’t. Some will accuse you of awful things. Who is your life hidden with, though? It is hidden in me? Or it is hidden in your friendships and the people you want to love you...the people you want to serve?

This quote stood out to me the most,

“In Vernon’s life, I’ve seen a pastor who devoted himself singularly to the Lord’s work. He didn’t see the pastorate as a stepping stone to something better. He didn’t look to plant a church to find a larger one. He didn’t spread his influence as far as he could. He invested himself in South Chicago—in one church—for seven decades.”

– (David Schrock; Three Things I Learned from a Pastor who Endured for 70 Years).

That is what I hope will be said of Jesse and me one day. That is what I hope God will say of us because I’ve learned enough to know I can’t really control what people say of us or what they think of us, but I do know that God sees our hearts. And I know we seek to submit our hearts and agendas and desires to Him… to die daily, and to say,  “Your Kingdom come, Your will be done… whatever that may be. Use us where You want us. Lead us where You want us. We will trust You to provide.”

None of this work is a stepping-stone. All this work is literally THE work. I’m not waiting to arrive at any place… I’m just seeking to serve and endure and do what God would have us do today… He said He will build His church, and I believe Him. He said the gates of Hell will not prevail against it, and I believe Him. He said Peter would deny Him, and I think He even shared that story with us so that we would know that we will at times deny Him, but that He will be there to take us back, and He will be there to use us still, even after we’ve made mistakes.

Thank you God for comforting my soul. Thank You for giving me passion. I may never publish a book, or make more than $1 a day on blog. (I don’t actually make a dollar a day… but if I had ads on my blog, that’s how much I would make based on the miniscule amount of people that read me! ha!) But I will live for You God, whatever You want.

“Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee… take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise. Take my silver and my gold, not a mite would I withhold. Take my hands and let them move, at the impulse of they love….” - Frances Ridley Havergal