Spring SnowFall

I linked this in my post 24-year-old Megin Parented Eli a few weeks ago, but once again, God brought it to mind and taught me from it earlier this week. Does God teach you the same lesson over and over? That’s what He does with me. I don’t mind. I’m a slow learner… or a slow implementer when it comes to living out what I learn. The old adage is practice makes perfect. For me, practice just makes up life. 

(Bronx Banter)

Present-Day Story: I was finishing up some emails and busy work for church the other day, and stepped away from the computer, trying to figure out what to get started on next.... should I make something for the kids, work on school with Eli, clean the kitchen, fold the clothes, etc. etc. But as soon as I tried to busy msyelf, I just felt off. It was like a tugging inside me saying "stop." Eden was napping, and Jesse had taken a break to take Eli out scootering, so I had the apartment to myself for possibly another 20 minutes. I wanted to take full advantage of this FREE TIME, but it was like I just couldn't shake the feeling that doing SOMETHING, anything really, was wrong at that moment. It just felt wrong. This type of thing happens a lot, actually, when I'm abiding with Christ. He calls my attention through my feelings and stops me, and surely enough, when I heed the call, sit, and listen, He speaks through something. So I resisted the urge to 'do' any of the countless things I could do during this precious free time, and I sat down, in silence, and said "okay God....what do you have to say... I'm listening." Immediately a random thought entered my mind, something about which I typically worry/obsess/think. I pushed it away. Focus MeginLea! And then, came to mind, something I hadn't thought about in years. Came to mind this day I was 23 years old, sitting on my floor in my apartment outside of Boston, and looked up and saw a single flower springing up from the ground. It was the dead middle of winter. Leftover snow was all around, and there I saw that flower. In that moment, it spoke to me, reminded me of God, reminded me that He was bringing about Spring time in my life in due time, I had only to wait on Him. I remember going outside immediately, taking a picture of that flower, and then contemplating whether or not to pluck it or let it live...I felt selfish, but I needed that flower. So I plucked it, brought it, and put it in a cup of water. I watched it live for a few days, and then I pressed it in a book, thanking God for such a reminder. 

That flower came to mind when I silenced my mind, and as I thought of that flower, I remembered this blog piece, "Snow and God" that I wrote the day after. So I got up and immediately searched this piece out.... and once again, was ministered to by it. 

I thank God for those moments when I am looking to busy myself, looking to do, looking to create in search of meaning and assuaging emotion, but God just asks me to be, and then feeds me with what I really need....Himself. 

Snow and God- composed April 2007 (yes, winter in Boston lasted a long time...Spring was a promise for which we had to wait in patience...)

Today I sat by the window and watched the snow falling. It was not the most beautiful snow in the world as it was mixed with rain which made it hard to see the flakes sometimes… but I could see them. It was the type of snow where if you concentrated on it you could see it for just a second as it passed the trees in the background…but then your eyes blur and you can’t see it anymore… so you have to concentrate again and THEN YOU GET IT…but only for a second. I did this for a while… over and over again and thought-

Isn’t this how it is with the God sometimes? Well, it is for me. I don’t know how holy that is or not, but I find myself seeking God in the midst of a life filled with clouds…and I have moments of REAL clarity when I completely abandon and the peace of Christ floods me. It’s un-explainable, and the circumstances of life don’t matter…and the pain at its hardest is completely bearable, and I’m not worried… and the future though totally unknown is so secure to me…not frightening…there is not a shadow of despair because I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES… but then it flees. Satan comes in with a memory or a cold hard dirty fact staring me in the face…life comes in with what is required and a reminder of what I don’t have and all the sudden I’m wet from the snow…and I’m cold and I don’t see God….I know it’s snowing but I can’t see the flakes…I know God is there…I know it… but I don’t feel it. I believe God is there but the pain is too much and the clouds too dark and I can’t even think of what I should ask God for because I wonder if He isn’t like a genie with a three wish limit and … honestly … I just want God and I want God’s will but I am weak human being who doesn’t like it that God’s will often asks us if we will be wet and cold for Him.

Good thing the genie view of God is completely wrong….

And good thing that even when I don’t know what to pray for, my Lord Jesus is interceding for me. And so that’s when I wait and get pushing through and keep seeking Him because I know in a minute I’ll finally see the snowflakes again and maybe this time I’ll see them for longer than a second… and maybe one day it will stop snowing for a few minutes. It always does…it stops just long enough for me to recharge. God’s mercies are new every morning…and I go to bed every night knowing that if He were that genie guy, I would have tapped Him out.

In other thoughts… It is interesting how we are made as humans with the desire to really be known… really known. It’s an inherent longing. Heck, if we didn’t want to be known … why would any of us really have journals of any sort, online or tangible? I used to think that marriage would solve that longing… that one day I’d meet a man who would really know me and love me and complete me. That’s what the movies tell us… and that’s what the happy high school couples tell us… right? I’m glad I’ve since learned that although marriages built upon the Lord Jesus Christ are satisfying and beautiful (and lots of hard work I hear), they are not what will ultimately know us in that way. A married friend of mine told me that she was utterly shocked because she entered marriage having grown up as a Christian woman…and thought that finally she would REALLY be known by someone… they would really get her. She saved herself sexually for marriage as had her husband… but, strangely enough… she found herself disappointed by marriage. It wasn’t that her husband wasn’t (isn’t) amazing or that marriage wasn’t (isn’t) a blessing… but she still longed… she still needed and desired. That was when she finally realized that her need and longing and desire would be satisfied only in the Lord Jesus Christ…and that it drove her to Him.

He is really the only one who ever truly knows any of us. And that is what marriage reflects, obviously, as when it goes as the Lord designed it, our husband or wife knows us so much more intimately than anyone… and as I hear, that’s a good thing…it’s something I really look forward to and pray that God has for me some day. But, we were not made for people…we were not made to glorify people or ourselves or to complete people…we were made to glorify God…for His good pleasure…

and I’d like just to ask one question: why would any of us think we could ever be content or find the utmost joy unless we were doing what we were made to do??

People who excel in an area like music or sports or writing or teaching or counseling or caring or … fill in the blank … say they feel the most joy or the most satisfaction (in the smaller sense of the words) when doing those things. That is because that is what their gifts are… that’s what they were made to do, in a sense. But ultimately we are ALL made to glorify God through whatever we do…whatever we eat or drink (ICor 10:31)… A piano does not good at producing music written solely with a guitar or a violin in mind… it isn’t the same. I do no good glorifying myself or other people only… that is not my aim. I’m not as beautiful or functional unless I’m glorifying my God.

So (to tie my wandering thoughts together)… I seek to glorify God. Right now the cup the Lord has presented me with includes a lot of pain and a lot of unknown and uncertainty. Some days its hard to just do the normal stuff like reading and writing and going to class because the pain and sadness overwhelms me…the confusion overwhelms me… the rejection and lost hope overwhelms me. I have a dear friend who is encountering so much physical body pain right now and so much complete life change that she often feels the same way… But this is where God has us for this time. And no circumstance is outside of our Lord’s control…and I DO BELIEVE He works in them all for His ultimate glory and for our good. He NEVER NEVER forsakes us…and He loves us more than we can even imagine. Think of who you love most in the world…God loves you more than that. So with these cups we have right now, whether they be filled with sweet or sour drink, let us dedicate them to the Lord and seek His face. Let us give our lives wholly to Him and allow Him to glorify Himself. Heck…pray that He will!!! And let us say like our Savior in the garden:
“What shall I say then? Lord, save me from this hour? No! It is for this hour that I have come.”

It is for this hour Lord that You have brought me here. I pray that these cups may pass us, but not our will God… only Thine our dear Creator…

I’m going back to the snow watching for now. It’s gotten much thicker… and much easier to see