A Public Apology for a Public Gauntlet

I need to apologize. I need to explain. I need to repent.

I repented yesterday. I will explain in a moment. I will apologize now. 

I spoke without love. I spoke things I believe to be truths, convictions, but I did so from a imbalanced place. Jesus turned over tables in the temple. Jesus spoke words that were harsh, but Jesus did so perfectly. I am not Jesus, and I have much to learn.

(REUTERS/Albert Gonzalez Farran via WEF.com)

I brought personal information into an argument and delivered it in a way that I will characterize as a low blow and would not appreciate had it been done to me. I did not realize, even, that the people of whom I was speaking read my words. I did not realize they were a portion of my audience. Had I, I may have spoken differently. I cannot say. Regardless, I spoke quickly, and the words I said caused wounds. 

I do not believe it is necessarily wrong to cause wounds to others, but I do not enjoy inflicting wounds, certainly not when they are needless and void of compassion as one could argue the wounds I inflicted yesterday were. To hear that women cried over things I wrote, that women I respect and love hurt and felt misunderstood and invalidated, causes me regret that I did not handle the situation better, regret that I inflicted upon them that sorrow and experience. I do wonder what the response would be from the young man I referenced; however, and I will admit, I am angry because I do not know that and cannot find that out. Perhaps this is the anger that fueled my quick words. I am angry that I have seemingly lost a family member and that each time I ask about him, I’m told we are not supposed to ask about him, that his contact information is private even, that we aren’t supposed to ask about him. I’m angry that there has been no room in my family, I feel, to discuss his sexuality, even to say the word sexuality, and the fact that suddenly he was no longer a part of our family or coming around. I am told second-hand, third-hand, that his family has pursued him in love, but I don’t understand this or know what that means or what it has looked like because I’ve been told I cannot ask, that it is something about which we are not supposed to question. And to me, that feels unjust, unloving, unfair. I don’t understand it. I feel silenced and not given room to ask why I am silenced. We are family. We are believers. We have lost someone… i love him too! I am to ignore it? I am puzzled. It has been years. And still nothing.

Nonetheless, lashing out, which is how my blog post yesterday has been characterized, and perhaps rightly so, is not appropriate.

I lashed out, so to speak, for multiple reasons. One: I felt outrage for being spoken to in a way that was condescending, being told what my job and purpose was by someone who is not my God, my father, my pastor, or my husband…. And even if he were any of those things, I do not think it is biblical to speak to a person the way he spoke to me. I do not believe he delivered his truth to me in love, but I should have said as much. That should have been the first thing I did….to say THAT instead of responding back, ‘fighting’ back with my own truth not delivered in love.

Two: I lashed out because what was parroted to me was a philosophy with which I was raised, a philosophy which I watched kill countless people’s attempt at a relationship with God, which drove many friends, EVEN seminary friends away from the faith and church… a philosophy that seemingly is devoid of space to lament and grapple with any sort of injustice except what is deemed acceptable by a white-washed, Westernized-American, stereotypical, Southern brand of conservative Christianity- a brand of Christianity that has come to be accepted within so many of our churches, and in the most recent years, immersed completely with a brand of politics so much so that it has eradicated all ability for me and others like me to safely refer to ourselves as evangelicals. I hate this philosophy and the evils I have seen it accomplish, and I want to herald what I believe to be the true Gospel of Jesus at all costs and totally APART FROM this philosophy.

Third: I lashed out because I am wounded myself and recovering. I have long been oppressed at the hand of spiritual abusers and men and a culture of double standard that would label me a b**** for saying something or writing something that a man is called a hero and leader for saying and believing. I have experienced the clipping of my own wings in the workplace and the church and the family at the hands of men who told me they were clipping me because it was biblical and God’s will, and I am angry, in part, that I, an intelligent, educated, woman allowed it. Thus I am quick to stand up for myself and others when I sense that type of treatment; nonetheless, I must be careful that as I stand up for myself I do not recklessly knock others out.

I do not think I should not throw punches, or gauntlets down, but I must be wise and take responsibility for how I wield my weapon of words. I am sorry for the pain I have caused. I will attempt to be more careful and slower to anger in the future because THAT is biblical. I will continue to seek God and ask God to break my heart over my own sin and show me how to live more honestly, lovingly, compassionately, in pursuit of justice for all and truth… in pursuit of God’s Kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven… that they may see Christ… see through my sin, my false self, and missteps, and see the Savior… for that is the goal- that people know Christ, that disciples are made, that this world is redeemed one person, relationship, and blog post at a time.

I will close with saying two more things: I thank my mother for having the courage to tell me that someone was hurt by my words. Without her telling me, I would not have known. In her words, “as their sister, I wish you hadn’t wrote what you wrote. As your mother, I support you and am proud of you.” She is a wise woman who treads the line. She gave me her temper, and I hope to learn also from her wisdom. She gave me her faith, and I hope to grow in it. She introduced me to her God, and that God has long led me through the valley of the shadow of death, but I walk imperfectly. Thank you, Mom, for wandering through this life with me. Thank you, God, for giving me a mother like her.

I also stand by the motivation and content of my words. I apologize for the delivery and not being careful to consider people’s emotions the way I would want them to consider mine, for not being compassionate and loving, but I am still puzzled, however, about the following:

• 1.       This all began because I freely posted an opinion, and someone chose of his own free-will to comment ON my opinion to insinuate that I was wrong.
• 2.       This continued when I tried to explain my opinion, and someone continued to condescend to me, telling me what my job was, and what I should speak about and not speak about, which was tantamount, in my opinion, to letting me know my place. (This is not just my interpretation of events. I literally had friends message me in private and say “who is this man speaking to you on your post and why is he speaking to you that way?” They were shocked to find out it was a family member speaking to me that way, and what’s more, a pastor).
• 3.       There have been no apologies for the way in which I was spoken toward, and there has been no recognition of the points I made in regard to how the Gospel is tarnished through our lack of ability to empathize with our fellow man in pain that is unlike our own. There has been no recognition or admittance of our predilection to squash other people speaking of injustice done to them by saying ‘well I have injustice done to me too. That’s life.’ I don’t believe that is life. I believe we should pursue justice for all…  we should lift one another up, bear one another’s burdens, not use our burdens as weapons to silence each other.

Can anyone explain to me why these things are fair and why I should not interpret them as reflective of our culture that oppresses women and the disenfranchised while heralding a brand of Christianity that upholds and proclaims the white-male God? Humbly submitted…

But in closing, finally, and just as important as my question, I am sorry to those I have hurt. I will attempt to do better. You do not deserve to be hurt. I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I mean that. -MeginLea