Why Today Was the Day
This morning I got up, but it was so hard. I spent time with Eli before Jesse took him to his parent's house for the day. I really invested myself in coloring pictures with him and watching him put stickers on his shirt. I followed his every command of "Mommy, sit!" while we were playing. He is very adamant about where I sit when we play together. We talked about the"firecar" on the computer. I relished in the fact that he told me HOW Norman needed to be saved before Fireman Sam even started to rescue him. I thought about how his little mind is learning and developing. I took this all in. It pulled on me, in the back of my mind, the need to make up the bed, to clean up the overly cramped, cluttered, and messy room, to do something to fix the discomfort my body felt as I felt just miserable, still going through the physical ''healing'' process after miscarriage. But I didn't obey the pull. I didn't give in. I sat with my son, the more important thing. And if I had not lost my second child, I probably would not have done that this morning, if I'm honest.
I have been so caught up in LIFE... in figuring out how we will move, in wondering and worrying about money and renovations, in wondering and worrying about the church and it's future, our ministries, Jesse's job, the ''replant,'' whether certain people will support this direction or whether there is much more distress, disunity, and discomfort in the future. I have been overcome with the mess and wanting it GONE. I've been overcome with needing to FEEL BETTER. I've been ridiculously concerned with having everything I felt I needed whenever I thought I needed it, making sure I was prepared, not letting people see my crap, and presenting a brave face to the world. Sure, I've been honest that it was HARD to do all this stuff, but I was still pressing on with IT as my main agenda. I was still losing myself daily in the onslaught of ''tasks'' that were somehow working toward something that was supposedly getting us somewhere....
Losing this baby has stopped me though and reminded me of lessons I've learned many times befor..... but lessons that are so easy to forget.
There are dishes in the sink, cups sitting around. Cat hair is on the floor. I haven't showered. I haven't packed my family for our trips or figured out what I'll wear to the weddings this weekend. I haven't finished the praise set or finished responding to the emails. We haven't gotten all the students registered. I haven't finished preparing for things to be done at church by others in my absence. I haven't responded to a LOT of emails. Does that stress me out? Yes. Do I wonder how I'll have the energy to get it all done? Yes. Am I obsessing over it like I would have a month ago and running around crazy to control it all? No. Instead, I'm doing what God is impressing upon me is REALLY important. I'm listening to Hiim. I'm telling the truth. I'm sharing what He says. I'm ignoring the fly that is stuck in the room and flying past my screen right now, making me itch and feel dirty. Because for too long, I've been caught up in the world that I wanted to be out there saving. My values have been serving the purpose of helping me feel like I'm doing a good job, fulfilling my obligations, being a good mother, a good wife, a faithful worker at church. I've been living to follow God and meet the adequate standards so that there will be no room for reproach and people will feel satisfied with me, and I will feel satisfied with myself. And that. has. got. to. stop.
It does not matter if people think I'm failing. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm failing. It doesn't matter if my work ethic or motivations are questioned. FINE, in a sense, our reputation matters. But you know what I mean. I'm talking about the fact that we concern ourselves so much with that that we MISS THE ENTIRE POINT OF BEING A DISCIPLE OF CHRIST. We do so much living that we don't REALLY live at all. We pursue so many INCREDIBLE goals for God that we do absolutely nothing for Him.
Oswald Chambers writes, "We are never taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose. We are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. God's aim often looks like it is missing the mark. He doesn't ask our permission for what He does in our lives or the lives of others."
So after Jesse left, I couldn't get going. I spent time praying and reading, and I couldn't get going. So I texted some friends and told them how I felt and asked for prayer. And then I set my alarm to go off in an hour, and I took a nap. I prayed and wondered and worried myself to sleep, in confusion and begging God to draw near. I woke up not sure what to do next. I checked my phone. Those friends had sent me some good wisdom in response. I read it, and I took it to heart.
So I set aside the list and agenda, and I did what I knew was honest and real. I sat down and started to share. I sat down and started lived in the REAL moment instead of working to control future moments. I said I would trust God to get the stuff done, and delved into the ministry of being alive in the circumstances God has brought me to. It's taken a few hours. But it's real life, and I feel somehow like it is an example of redemption. I believe it has accomplished much more than the eye can tell. I honestly believe it is of more value than all the things I could have done, that will get done eventually. Doesn't God say He knows what we need before we ask? Doesn't God say that He takes care of the birds of the air and the flowers of the field? Doesn't God say He knows the number of hairs on our head? If He has all of that under control, He'll get me to the emails, and to the packing, and the praise set, and the cleaning. But for now, He wants me to be obedient in the moment.
I used to live like this. I stopped for a while and got caught up in living for other people and for myself and for my ministry, my church, my child, my husband, my wants, my desires, and what I thought looked like something God would be support and approve. It always takes death to bring us back to life. Unless a man is reborn, He cannot see the Kingdom of God... unless a kernel of wheat falls and dies, unless a vine is first pruned, unless I love less my mother and father and even. my. very. life....
Who is it that is a disciple?
Who is it that does the will of God?
How is it that we know where the wind cometh from and where it bloweth?
Is not that how it is with the Spirit?
Isaiah said, "in the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up...." In the year that my baby died, I saw God again...
I have been so caught up in LIFE... in figuring out how we will move, in wondering and worrying about money and renovations, in wondering and worrying about the church and it's future, our ministries, Jesse's job, the ''replant,'' whether certain people will support this direction or whether there is much more distress, disunity, and discomfort in the future. I have been overcome with the mess and wanting it GONE. I've been overcome with needing to FEEL BETTER. I've been ridiculously concerned with having everything I felt I needed whenever I thought I needed it, making sure I was prepared, not letting people see my crap, and presenting a brave face to the world. Sure, I've been honest that it was HARD to do all this stuff, but I was still pressing on with IT as my main agenda. I was still losing myself daily in the onslaught of ''tasks'' that were somehow working toward something that was supposedly getting us somewhere....
Losing this baby has stopped me though and reminded me of lessons I've learned many times befor..... but lessons that are so easy to forget.
There are dishes in the sink, cups sitting around. Cat hair is on the floor. I haven't showered. I haven't packed my family for our trips or figured out what I'll wear to the weddings this weekend. I haven't finished the praise set or finished responding to the emails. We haven't gotten all the students registered. I haven't finished preparing for things to be done at church by others in my absence. I haven't responded to a LOT of emails. Does that stress me out? Yes. Do I wonder how I'll have the energy to get it all done? Yes. Am I obsessing over it like I would have a month ago and running around crazy to control it all? No. Instead, I'm doing what God is impressing upon me is REALLY important. I'm listening to Hiim. I'm telling the truth. I'm sharing what He says. I'm ignoring the fly that is stuck in the room and flying past my screen right now, making me itch and feel dirty. Because for too long, I've been caught up in the world that I wanted to be out there saving. My values have been serving the purpose of helping me feel like I'm doing a good job, fulfilling my obligations, being a good mother, a good wife, a faithful worker at church. I've been living to follow God and meet the adequate standards so that there will be no room for reproach and people will feel satisfied with me, and I will feel satisfied with myself. And that. has. got. to. stop.
It does not matter if people think I'm failing. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm failing. It doesn't matter if my work ethic or motivations are questioned. FINE, in a sense, our reputation matters. But you know what I mean. I'm talking about the fact that we concern ourselves so much with that that we MISS THE ENTIRE POINT OF BEING A DISCIPLE OF CHRIST. We do so much living that we don't REALLY live at all. We pursue so many INCREDIBLE goals for God that we do absolutely nothing for Him.
Oswald Chambers writes, "We are never taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose. We are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. God's aim often looks like it is missing the mark. He doesn't ask our permission for what He does in our lives or the lives of others."
So after Jesse left, I couldn't get going. I spent time praying and reading, and I couldn't get going. So I texted some friends and told them how I felt and asked for prayer. And then I set my alarm to go off in an hour, and I took a nap. I prayed and wondered and worried myself to sleep, in confusion and begging God to draw near. I woke up not sure what to do next. I checked my phone. Those friends had sent me some good wisdom in response. I read it, and I took it to heart.
So I set aside the list and agenda, and I did what I knew was honest and real. I sat down and started to share. I sat down and started lived in the REAL moment instead of working to control future moments. I said I would trust God to get the stuff done, and delved into the ministry of being alive in the circumstances God has brought me to. It's taken a few hours. But it's real life, and I feel somehow like it is an example of redemption. I believe it has accomplished much more than the eye can tell. I honestly believe it is of more value than all the things I could have done, that will get done eventually. Doesn't God say He knows what we need before we ask? Doesn't God say that He takes care of the birds of the air and the flowers of the field? Doesn't God say He knows the number of hairs on our head? If He has all of that under control, He'll get me to the emails, and to the packing, and the praise set, and the cleaning. But for now, He wants me to be obedient in the moment.
I used to live like this. I stopped for a while and got caught up in living for other people and for myself and for my ministry, my church, my child, my husband, my wants, my desires, and what I thought looked like something God would be support and approve. It always takes death to bring us back to life. Unless a man is reborn, He cannot see the Kingdom of God... unless a kernel of wheat falls and dies, unless a vine is first pruned, unless I love less my mother and father and even. my. very. life....
Who is it that is a disciple?
Who is it that does the will of God?
How is it that we know where the wind cometh from and where it bloweth?
Is not that how it is with the Spirit?
Isaiah said, "in the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up...." In the year that my baby died, I saw God again...
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