Musings on a Second Child

As the birth of my new nephew, Stanley Ellis Schmidt, draws near, I am full of reflections, joys, worries, and introspective thoughts. I shall write to help myself process, and I shall write because if I write what is, I will believe people have read it, and by believing people have read it, I am helped and feel understood- and feel not alone in the sea of words that flood my mind. 


As the birth draws near, I find myself frequently reflecting upon the special bond that Franklin and I share. When I met little Franklin III at 9:05 p.m. on August 10th, 2007, I was immediately introduced to a type of love that I had never even almost experienced in my then 24 years. Instantaneously, I was committed to his every good and need, regardless the circumstance or sacrifice such needs and goods required of me. I remember writing in my journal that loving him was the closest I'd ever known to what I believed would be true sacrificial, selfless, and unconditional love. I had never loved any person or any thing so much that I would commit to serving and taking care of it even if it gave me nothing in return and only brought me pain (or at the time sleepless nights and tired lower abs from the way I stood and arched my back to hold him and prepare bottles at the same time).  Having a deepening and special relationship with my nephew is one of the few deep joys in my life, and it is most certainly a grace from God. I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. And having his little heart being so wound up in me in return isn't half bad either. I'd be completely lying if I said that I didn't LOVE the fact that he's obsessed with his Aunt Megin. I quite enjoy being the celebrity of the little 4-year-old's world. 


With that said, however, as the birth of the baby draws near, I also find myself wondering what type of relationship Ellis and I will have. (They are calling the new baby by his middle name, Ellis...pronounced like the island that immigrants came through, but he's not named after the island. Ellis is my dad's middle name). One of the 50kazillion things that I know about my parents' marriage and wish I didn't know is that when Mom was pregnant with me, she wondered a lot about what her relationship with me would be like. She wondered how she would be able to love a second child as much as her first, (having already had Buffie with her first husband who had passed away when Buffie was only 2 1/2). Dad didn't understand, says Mom, and apparently he criticized her about this fear, or, at least, did not offer her much comfort. Fast forward four years later, however, when my mother was pregnant with Bryant, and supposedly my dad had some similar anxieties about how he would be able to love a second child as much as he loved me. Mom understood how he felt, but I do not know how comforting she was or if she took the opportunity to seek revenge. So while my parents' example is not a shining one about how to communicate and support your spouse, (or what to let your children know about your marital problems for that matter), I suppose it does support the fact that second time parents (or Aunts in this case) can sometimes wonder how they will have enough room in their hearts to love another child like they love the first one. I suppose that if I were actually carrying Ellis inside of me, my nerves might be assuaged a bit as I'd feel a more special connection to him. I do recall not feeling any acute connection to Franklin while Buffie was pregnant. It wasn't until after he was born (or the second he was born in all honesty) that I became the star of the movie "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" and began to think the child was mine. So perhaps I will be just as close to little Ellis and I just do not realize it yet. 


     Or maybe Franklin and I will continue to have a 'one-of-a-kind' relationship that is unparalleled, and maybe I will not be as close to Ellis. Thinking that makes me kind of sad. I suppose I have high expectations, and that isn't good because I don't want to psyche myself out. Haha....but I want to be close with Ellis, and I want him to love his Aunt Megin too, (and agree that she is celebrity status). 


Lastly, as Ellis's birth draws near, I feel as if growing close with him will be harder and as if I am about to be met with another wave of sadness. I know it will be harder to spend time with Ellis and the family right after he is born since I live in New York now. When Franklin was born, I was home with him for a month right after the birth. I solidified our relationship and got to be with my family as we welcomed the new member and bonded over him. With Ellis, however, I will be one of many who comes and goes. I am in the process of trying to plan when to visit him. I could go home for a long visit right when he's born and then not see him again for a while, or go home for a short visit when he's born and then a short visit a month later (when  Whitney gets married). 


     The whole thing (living so far from them) is really hard for me though, harder than I feel like some people might understand. I say that because I don't know that many people in New York realize how close my family is and how dependent upon one another we can be. (I am not seeking to whine or complain here. I am just sharing). It probably seems as if I'm pretty independent, living up here in New York, having been to China, having lived in Boston. Would it surprise people to know that no one in my extended family ever thought I'd leave home when I was a child? They all thought I'd live with my mom forever. It was the running joke with everyone, but it was one of the jokes that wasn't really a joke because everyone believed it to be complete truth. That's how much of a homebody I was and how much I was dependent upon being around my family, ESPECIALLY my mom.


     I remember crying the entire way to Macon, Georgia on the first day of college. I went out of complete obedience to what I believed God was saying was right, but I didn't want to go. And while all the other kids pushed their parents out the door, I had my mom and sister and brother stick around town about 3 or 4 days after moving me into my dorm. I think I even stayed at their hotel instead of in my dorm. 


     I did the same thing when I moved to Boston...I drove there, with my family in caravan, crying the whole time. And they stayed with me a few days once I got to Boston. And then with New York, I cried the whole way here, although I did make the trip alone that time. But I came out of obedience, not want. I mean, I wanted to job in New York. THAT I had a passion for, hence, I came. And I liked the idea of the city because I had a conviction about urband ministry, but I did not for one second feel okay about leaving my family or want to leave my family....AT ALL. And also, would it surprise anyone to know that all during my childhood years, I rarely slept over at friends' houses, even in high school? Why? I didn't like to be away from home. And I know the reason why I don't often talk to my family when I'm here in New York or the reason I didn't talk about them much when I first moved here was because it was my defense mechanism to KEEP me from being sad and missing them. So I guess I just say all that to say that I'm a little scared about Ellis being born and how sad I'm afraid I am going to be that I am not there with my family and our new little life all the time. It's going to be hard knowing they are all going to see the baby after work. I will want to be there. I will feel sad, unless by God's grace, He grants me some type of unfailing feelings of happiness that no sad thing can quash.


     In actuality, I should be thankful that my family is close, and I am. Many people don't have close relationships, but sometimes I think it would be easier if there were not the closeness, meaning it would be easier to be a 'missionary in New York' (or anywhere for that matter) if one didn't miss her family in Georgia. Although, I certainly am NOT saying I wish or pray to have no love for family.


So there they all are, or at least all I have thought of tonight: all my thoughts and musings and worries and fears surrounding Ellis's birth. I know the Bible tells us not to fear. It is the most uttered commandment in God's word actually. So I see that in terms of obeying the rules, my thoughts are 'wrong,' but as I confess them and tell Jesus about my weakness, I don't think He yells back and tells me to stop being a bad Christian. At least, that's not what the Jesus of Scriptures would do. I don't think He's that legalistic since He knows it is impossible for me (or you) to please Him and gain merit...even if we never fear. So I suppose having written these all here for the entire world to see, I will now turn to say them all back to God, asking for His mercy as I carry them and do my best to rest them at the foot of the cross. 


I'll leave you with this. Speaking of resting our pain at the foot of the cross: I read this article yesterday about not minimizing pain. It is on the CCEF website and is very encouraging. I'll cry out to Jesus with my Ellis musings. I hope it will encourage you to cry out to Him with whatever you have going on in your life.