Happy Lit'l Luv

Hello, and Happy Belated Valentines Day. I thought for Valentines Day, I'd introduce you to a dear friend of mine, Lit'l Luv.

Lit'l Luv and I first met at a Walmart back in February of 1994. I was in 5th grade, and my mom had just started back to work to help support my sister who was in her freshmen year of college. Before this, Mom had been a 'stay-at-home-mom' who was present for all of my class parties, (schools were actually allowed to have lots of parties with treats and goodies back then), and present for all class field trips, and pretty much involved in every possible way in my life and my brother's life in the home and outside the home. At that age, having a mom like that makes you feel special and safe. But starting in 5th grade, Mom had to go back to work. This was extremely, let me emphasize, EXTREMELY, hard for me b/c I was very attached to her alone and the relationship with Dad was pretty bad. Being at home without Mom felt traumatic to me. I can remember crying endlessly when she couldn't come to my 'open house' that year and only my sister and Dad could go. It seemed like the end of the world, and kinda was for my 5th grade self. But then, things got worse. I found out Mom would have to go on business trips every year where she'd be out of town for about 4 days. The first of those trips was coming toward the end of February 1994, and I was dreading it about the same amount as I dreaded getting shots at the doctor. (Meaning I obsessed over it and worried and cried ahead of time and honestly believed I'd be better off dead than have to go through the experience). It.Was.Bad.

So that year, on Valentines Day, Mom and I were at Walmart making a usual run for the necessities, and we went down the aisle with all the V-day goodies and stuffed animals. Typically, money was extremely monitored by Dad. Mom always had to show him receipts after shopping trips so that he'd know we only got what he believed we needed and nothing more and that she didn't waste money, and I can recall HATING when she'd have to ask him for money (they didn't have joint accounts) or get his approval of the receipts. I told her once to make sure she only did it when I was asleep at night because it usually led to bad fights, but that year, Mom had her own checking account b/c she had started back to work to support my sister. So, when we were at the store, the unthinkable happened, Mom said I could pick something out as a Valentines Day gift and that she would pay for it. Even at 11, this stood out as a BIG thing for some reason. So I picked out Lit'l Luv. She wasn't the biggest of all the animals or the most cuddly, but she was a good price, and she seemed either to be a rabbit or a dog; it was debatable, and for some reason, I REALLY liked that. So we bought Lit'l Luv that year, and I LOVED her. I named her Lit'l Luv because she was little and because sometimes Mom called me her Lit'l Luv. What's more though, I carried that little rabbit/dog around with me ALL the time. I took it to school with me! Yes, a completely NOT self-confident and awkward, unpopular 5th grader was brave enough to take Lit'l Luv to school b/c that's how much having Lit'l Luv around comforted me. It made me feel like Mom was with me. I can remember showing her to friends on the school bus, not minding the teasing and jabs.

That year, when Mom did have to go on her business trip about a week later, she arranged for me to spend half of the days she was gone at my good friend Ashley Story's house. That was nice because I wasn't scared at friends' houses without Mom. I was only scared and sad at home without Mom. So Lit'l Luv went with me to school and to Ashley's for two days, and then when I had to go back home without Mom, Lit'l Luv comforted me there too. I can remember being at Ashley's that time, but I can't remember what happened when I went back home. It was just me and my dad and brother I believe; my sister was away at school, but that was fine because she really disliked me back then and wouldn't have been much comfort to me if she had been around. Her and Bryant had a great loving relationship, but with me, it was not good news bears.

Anyway, since that year, Lit'l Luv has always graced me with her presence on my bed ad midst the many other stuffed animals. And as the years passed and animals came and went, Lit'l Luv always remained. She carried  me through high school and college; she carried me to Hong Kong three different times and sat on those wooden hard beds. She was in Tibet with me on that plank of a bed that was giant but felt like sleeping on a tile floor with a thin sheet. haha She was in Beijing, and she was with me on choir tours to Europe and visiting friends in England. She's been with me to any state I've ever traveled to. She lived in Boston and watched me as I studied and read 2209357632092843 pages in order to graduate from seminary, and she has been with me during my 5 years here in NY which have often felt extremely lonely and isolated. She's seen everything I've seen since I was 11. She's heard about every trauma. She's been a witness to all pain and all excitement. She's never judged my mistakes, and she's always ached with me when I was sinned against and ruined. To this day, Lit'l Luv reminds me of the comfort that Mom was to me back in 5th grade, and there is some child still in my heart that is helped by her.

Lit'l Luv now sits on my keyboard in the bedroom (although in these pictures she was positioned on our shelves). I don't keep her on the bed b/c I wouldn't chance Jirem getting too friendly with her. She watches me from the keyboard, sitting beside a stuffed brown bear that smells like chocolate and that was given to me by Mom about 3 years ago. I never snuggle that bear b/c it has a chocolate scent I hope lasts forever :). hehe


So now I have shared Lit'l Luv with the world. She used to be completely pristine white. She is now a bit brown, but she will never be washed b/c it might mess her up, (I know Kim is now wincing and barfing at the thought of the dirt on this rabbit/bear). You also may notice she wears a shirt that has a white heart sewn on the front. It has served as a pouch many years for my chapstick or lipstick, whichever I was taking to school with me on the day she went with me. She also has a red bow around her neck. That has been tied and retied many times. This is Lit'l Luv. She is a dear friend. I hope you enjoyed listening to the story of her. Yesterday, she turned 18 years old. I gave her the option of setting out on her own, but she said she'd rather stay by my side. Thanks Lit'l Luv. Here is to another 18 years  :)