How Does God Do It?
Ok so today has been hard. I guess in all honesty, it has been a typical day, but after a while, I can't take typical days.
It started off with one student being rude to a teacher. I tried to gently correct her, but reasoning with her turned out to be like reasoning with my pets....impossible. That didn't end well, and I eventually just gave up and surrendered to praying about it. She came by to see me later but didn't apologize...she took and then went back home to complain some more.
I paid a lot of money to order a movie for the kids to watch today instead of making them do an activity. Plus, we are studying seeing God in our hurts, so I didn't want to actually hurt them. Instead, they could watch a movie about a girl who got hurt. It was a good movie, and during the movie they seemed interested. Afterward, however, they told me how bored they were.
Then I had 5 students complain about the FREE TSHIRTS I had made for them. Apparently I spelled their names wrong. Well first, I didn't 'write' their names on the shirt. I copied what was given to me on their registration form. Also, I have them verify the spelling on my roster the first day of class, and no one pointed out spelling errors. So then today, they informed me that I ruined their shirt. :/
I try to remind myself that these are MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN. But somehow that doesn't help. When you give your all to love people and they continually throw it back in your face, it makes you want to stop. How does God continue to love people? If I were God, I wouldn't. I know. That's why I'm not God. But he asks me to love others, and today it's just too hard. But I have to. I have to continue by teaching another lesson tonight, which they'll probably complain about the whole time, giving no regard that I spent 3 hours of my week prepping it for them and working hard to make it interesting.
Sometimes I wish I had a desk job where I just entered numbers into a computer or something and didn't have to deal with people, much less children, much less unappreciative children. I guess then I'd still have a boss, but maybe I'd have one that really liked me. That would be a perfect world. A boss that loves me, and a job where people can't be mean to me for simply trying to love them.
And what gets me even more is that there are still people who make comments to me about how easy I have it with the 'flexibility' of my job or getting to work for God therefore it's super rewarding and fun. Maybe I'm just not mature enough or good enough, but I think I'd trade flexibility and this type of 'fun' sometimes...at least on days like this I would. Especially when even the kids that God seems to be getting through to choose to curse me out.
I wrote this because I am crying inside to be heard. I prayed to God; I told Jesse; I still ached. Inside I get this voice screaming 'no one understands, cares, or appreciates,' so at least if I blog about it, I can pretend the world hears me, understands, and appreciates. I suppose God hearing and appreciating should be enough, but I'm not that strong and need more Jesus with skin. I don't have that much faith.
I hope this wasn't too much of a rant or sinful. I feel like maybe there was sin in it. Where is the line between righteous frustration and pitying oneself? I don't think I'm pitying myself. I 'think' I'm righteously frustrated. I could be wrong.
I want another vacation. haha I think that's why I love Franklin so much. He basically tells me and makes me know that his little world revolves around his Aunt Megin and that he loves her more than his binkie (pacifier) even. I need some Franklin affirmation right about now. I wish I could run by and see him on the way home...that WOULD be a perfect world.
It started off with one student being rude to a teacher. I tried to gently correct her, but reasoning with her turned out to be like reasoning with my pets....impossible. That didn't end well, and I eventually just gave up and surrendered to praying about it. She came by to see me later but didn't apologize...she took and then went back home to complain some more.
I paid a lot of money to order a movie for the kids to watch today instead of making them do an activity. Plus, we are studying seeing God in our hurts, so I didn't want to actually hurt them. Instead, they could watch a movie about a girl who got hurt. It was a good movie, and during the movie they seemed interested. Afterward, however, they told me how bored they were.
Then I had 5 students complain about the FREE TSHIRTS I had made for them. Apparently I spelled their names wrong. Well first, I didn't 'write' their names on the shirt. I copied what was given to me on their registration form. Also, I have them verify the spelling on my roster the first day of class, and no one pointed out spelling errors. So then today, they informed me that I ruined their shirt. :/
I try to remind myself that these are MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN. But somehow that doesn't help. When you give your all to love people and they continually throw it back in your face, it makes you want to stop. How does God continue to love people? If I were God, I wouldn't. I know. That's why I'm not God. But he asks me to love others, and today it's just too hard. But I have to. I have to continue by teaching another lesson tonight, which they'll probably complain about the whole time, giving no regard that I spent 3 hours of my week prepping it for them and working hard to make it interesting.
Sometimes I wish I had a desk job where I just entered numbers into a computer or something and didn't have to deal with people, much less children, much less unappreciative children. I guess then I'd still have a boss, but maybe I'd have one that really liked me. That would be a perfect world. A boss that loves me, and a job where people can't be mean to me for simply trying to love them.
And what gets me even more is that there are still people who make comments to me about how easy I have it with the 'flexibility' of my job or getting to work for God therefore it's super rewarding and fun. Maybe I'm just not mature enough or good enough, but I think I'd trade flexibility and this type of 'fun' sometimes...at least on days like this I would. Especially when even the kids that God seems to be getting through to choose to curse me out.
I wrote this because I am crying inside to be heard. I prayed to God; I told Jesse; I still ached. Inside I get this voice screaming 'no one understands, cares, or appreciates,' so at least if I blog about it, I can pretend the world hears me, understands, and appreciates. I suppose God hearing and appreciating should be enough, but I'm not that strong and need more Jesus with skin. I don't have that much faith.
I hope this wasn't too much of a rant or sinful. I feel like maybe there was sin in it. Where is the line between righteous frustration and pitying oneself? I don't think I'm pitying myself. I 'think' I'm righteously frustrated. I could be wrong.
I want another vacation. haha I think that's why I love Franklin so much. He basically tells me and makes me know that his little world revolves around his Aunt Megin and that he loves her more than his binkie (pacifier) even. I need some Franklin affirmation right about now. I wish I could run by and see him on the way home...that WOULD be a perfect world.
Comments
Inner-city ministry is hard because there isn't much affirmation from the people you serve. I met a guy who would open his home to the homeless only to be taken advantage of. He would give them a bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothing to wear, and they would still rob him of his things.
"[21] Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” [22] Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
(Matthew 18:21-22 ESV)"
Maybe it's not just inner-city ministry, but even in teaching/raising children. Children don't see the big picture as well. And when they don't get what they want, their whole world falls apart. But they will understand and see how much you loved and cared for them when they get older. They usually do. Don't give up on them. I know you won't and that you probably just needed to vent. God is at work, Megin! He will bless you and His ministry in due time.
also, if you are referring to the purple shirt that i saw davey bring home. it was really really pretty!
sigh. i do like 4 year olds.
First of all I just found your blog and love this idea!
Second, anyone that tells you they wish they had your job because it is SO flexible and that working for God is fun - 1. probably hates their 8 to 6 job and doesn't trust the lord enough to follow him somewhere they would be happier 2. had never actually worked for God in ministry as more than an occasional volunteer/helper.
Working for God is the hardest, most emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting job one can do. Only the strong choose to do it and only those truly chosen by God - who constantly work on their spiritual/carnal perspectives - do it more than a couple of years at a time.
Now working for God - in children's ministry - is even more straining, tiring, and not at all for the feable minded. But it is also the most rewarding. You will have some the highest moments of your spiritual life in children's ministry and some of the lowest. I know you already know this, but sometimes it just helps to hear it from someone else.
Unfortunately, this is the nature of children. I am glad that you and Franklin have such a wonderful bond - although it does complicate my life sometimes. But your bond is partly as strong as it is because you are his aunt and not his mom. The abscence between visits allow you both to shower each other with unconditional love EVERY time and every moment that you are together. With your children you will not have this luxurious present. You will have to also be mom. But that doesn't mean you don't love them unconditionally or that they can't hurt you terribly.....for example:
at that moment all parenting went out the window and I walked away crying.
But this morning I got to 'snuggle' him on the couch before school and got lots of "long" kisses in the car and to see him talking to everyone in the car pool line this morning before hopping out to go to PK - now the PK part makes me cry.
Love you sis!