Four Years
Four years ago today, Franklin was born. It was the most incredible experience of my life. I moved here a month later. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him and all that he represents and how much I miss the simple, slow, relaxing life I feel I would have living in the South.
What follows is incredibly honest. Don't read it if you are not ok with people being exceedingly authentic and rare.
I find myself miserable, exceptionally sad, and going through daily motions out of duty and obligation without joy. I have been seeking the Lord during this ‘valley’ as to come deeper into His presence and let not one ounce of ‘suffering’ be wasted or turned to pity. It has been rewarding in small ways and with small rays of light as peeking through the clouds, but it has not been without travail, travail that has led me to intense moodiness and being easily frustrated (more than usual) of which poor Jesse has bore the brunt.
We fight a lot, and there are times I think marriage sucks. That leads me to feel like a failure, and I take 90% of the blame for the fighting upon myself because I don’t like New York; I don’t like the culture around me; I am sad, and I seek to cheer myself up through an intense need to control things that are not important in the grand scheme of life (such as how much dirt is on my floor or which way the blankets are folded on the couch). I long for children, but I am not considering them at all because I do not want to inflict upon another the harsh sentence of life with myself.
I desperately seek the Lord and pray and try to practice being content with my lot in life, my assigned role, and becoming faithful over the role. I need not be a perfect administrator of my role, but I must seek to be faithful. What stands out to me, however, is that my role has come through the process of me following my head. God is the blessed ruler and controller of all things, of hosts of Heaven’s armies, so I did not come about my lot in life by my own guidance alone. God has allowed everything that has happened and that I have chosen. Yet, in the antinomy of sovereignty and human choice, I have had options. There is the old saying that a person should follow his or her heart. I have spent the last 10 years of my life judging people who follow their hearts and only following my own head. I have sensed what was the Lord’s will in my head and followed it as best I have been able; yet, for the most part, each of those ‘decisions’ or paths have held parallel paths which I actually wanted to follow, paths that my heart led me to yet I believed was not God’s choosing. Sometimes I think this line of thought was influenced by a faulty notion of my own that God does not delight to give His children what they want. I now know that is faulty thinking, but I did not know that at 18 or 20 or 23 even. The idea that a want could be something God would delight to give was foreign to me for many years because I knew for sure many of our wants were not in line with God’s perfect plan.
A few ways I followed my head- only a few: I followed my head to the college I attended. I do not regret that decision; it was amazing; yet, I did follow my head there as my heart was begging me to go elsewhere. I followed my head to China Boston New York New York China
Holy Father, you know the joys and heartaches of the role I am in now. I believe I have come here by following my head in what I believed you were asking me. But I confess that I’ve fought against this role and still do because my heart is also somewhere else so often. I pray for a mentor to walk with me through this. I long to be a peace filled servant of you, living and loving for you and at peace with all that comes from your hands, even the knats that incessantly fill my kitchen despite all my efforts to eradicate them. Teach me to ‘cease striving’ and to ‘know that you are God.’ “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28
As a woman, I can be a life-giver to my husband or a life-taker. In my tongue lies the power of life and death. There are positives in my life that I am extremely thankful for:
- I have three wonderful pets to play with.
- I have a companion to live and laugh with
- I have someone to cook/bake for
- I have a ministry partner and can work hand-in-hand with him to pursue the Lord’s work
- I have a family to miss and a place I can retreat to
- I have a healthy body even if I feel my thighs are too large
- I have a job that pays bills
- I have parents who love me
- I have wonderful friends
- I have creativity
And on this list, ‘material things’ are not mentioned because they really are NOT that important to me. They become important only as a way to stifle my sadness because of the things that bring me heartache.
1Corinthians 4 describes an apostles life. I read the passage today, and it was as if I’d never seen it before: Paul says:
[8] Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! Without us you have become kings! And would that you did reign, so that we might share the rule with you! [9] For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. [10] We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. [11] To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, [12] and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; [13] when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.
[14] I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. [15] For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. [16] I urge you, then, be imitators of me.
My life is not as hard as Paul’s, but I understand what he means. I have given up a lot to follow a path that my head convicted me was God’s will. I have given up the countless paths of my heart. Yet, I don’t allow myself to say this often because I feel guilty saying it or like I am pitying myself. Nonetheless, I should respect myself enough to acknowledge the validity of my feeling. And I must admit my feelings if I want to deal with them. An apostle is held by many as the scum of the earth. I am not held that way, but I am a sensitive and fragile soul that wonders if I am not cut out for this lot. Following it has brought me a good bit of sadness, and I must figure out how to deal with this properly with God so that I do not take it out on others.
In the past, I believed that serving the Lord meant denying my heart and only following my head. Perhaps that is a lie. Perhaps I can serve my king and be His apostle without only accepting the paths that will undoubtedly bring me sadness.
These are just thoughts in my head- things I’m thinking about- I’m not seeking to make any point. I’m just praying through this as I figure out what the future holds for following Him.
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