God is Faithful...even in the month of January.

So I got out my journal from 2010 and started reading in January to see where God had brought me in a year. As I read, I could clearly remember the EXACT feelings, fears, doubts, EVERYTHING. Perhaps you don't know, but Jan 2010 was really hard for me. I was struggling with a lot of revelations about my feelings and confusions. I asked God a lot of questions, and as I approached time to make some big life decisions, there were some things inside my mind that had to be worked out before I could move forward. One of them was that I pretty much hated New York and didn't want to be here another second. If it wasn't for the CC kids, my own sense of responsibility, the fact that I loved Jesse, and then I suppose pride too, I would have packed up everything and left NY that month. I also started my headaches that month- intense headaches that have only in the very recent path taken a turn for the pretty much all better. In addition, I was having some confusion about my 'calling' and vocation during that period too having finally come to much fuller revelations about the way I misused and wasted younger years when most individuals think about what they are passionate about and what they want to do. It seemed I hadn't made many decisions based on the right things but often based on the wrong things. And so I wondered, had God's will still been accomplished? Could I trust I was in the right place even if my heart's motives were often not very pure at all? Had I missed opportunities to follow my true passions (music perhaps?)? So much plagued me...and a boy sat there wanting to marry me, and I remember telling Jenn that I didn't think I could do it. I was too selfish and had too much inside me I didn't understand. So I just turned to God...and of course Jesse waited and spent time going to school and reading theology books. He didn't mind. ;). Plus, he's not one to worry and probably figured I'd come around eventually :).

So yeah, I suppose I never saw anything being worked out really, but all this year, God was doing it anyway. Sure, I still don't like NY all the time, but I have come more to terms with my call. There is peace in my mind, and God has given me answers to many of my questions. I am learning contentment and trust, and I am learning to walk with God through sadness...learning. And obviously I came to peace and assurance about one thing in particular, a certain handsome man named Jesse. I sure love him so much and look forward to growing old with him Lord willing. I am so greatful that God has brought me through another year and grown me and answered my questions. And it is with that faith that I, armed, face another year that I am sure will bring more questions that bring me to the brink of wishing I could throw in the towel. But our God is faithful.

And so for your reading enjoyment, I will leave you with this list. I remember last year, Jesse and I were discussing some of the 'lulls' in our relationship or troubles we had. I expressed things that I really wanted but felt he wasn't doing/being (and vice versa), and we wrote out lists and signed them pledging that we would work on these things for each other/with each other. hehe Here is what I asked of him, and as I read it this morning and see his signature at the bottom, I am so filled with excitement because he came through on every little thing even tho I never gave him a copy of this list like I was supposed to....so I know he probably didn't remember it by heart...but he loved me and knew what was important to my little fleshly heart, and he sought to be a godly man and love me. Here was my list:

1. Write little notes to me "good morning notes or i love you notes," to show you cherish and love me.
2. help me with cooking or dishes (this was b/c i feared i'd always do the cooking and dishes and he'd just watch tv)
3. send me songs or links or tell me about things that remind you of me.
4. understand that i love dog, cats, pink, flowers, chocolate
5. cherish me: take care of me, protect me (i.e. walk me to the car, give me ur jacket, hold my hand, put your arm around me)
6. watch movies that i like too sometimes (not just spike tv fights)
7. help me tidy if i ask
8. compliment me more than you criticize me
9. understand girls like things like bags, nail polish, coats, etc, so good deals are permissible at times :) (i was afraid that i'd never get anything new or pretty if i married him)

so many of these fears or things were not just b/c Jesse wasn't doing them at all but just b/c i either had some fear inside me that he wouldnt or that he'd stop or because i wanted him to do them more. and after a year, i can't tell you how much fear that he wont do these things arent even a part of our relationship. he does them all regularly :) I am the most blessed woman in the world...NOT because he does these things BUT because he works to do things even if they aren't natural or important to him. They become important to him b/c they are important to me. :)

Oh, and yes, he also gave me a list that I signed. Are you curious as to what was on that list? It was less specific but things that annoyed him. But I would need to ask his permission before sharing. I don't know if he wants the blog world to know his inner needs or thoughts as much as I share my own. haha :)