Body Image: Light in the Dark
My seas have been pretty rocky, as you’ve seen, and as one
of my dear friends noted last week as she checked in on me. “You’ve had a
roller coaster week on Facebook. Just wanted to see how you were.” Word. Haha
You speak truth my friend, and thanks for caring enough not just to read from
afar or troll but actually to MESSAGE me and say “hey- I see you and love
you. What’s up yo? Because, yeah, life.” (paraphrasing)- Love this
girl. Doesn’t matter how little or much we keep in touch, she’s sees me. She
loves me for me, good and bad, and we always can pick up where we left off. We can
be honest without judging each other. We trust each other’s heart’s intentions,
and she always listens and seeks to have empathy. That, my friends, is my
definition, at least, of a real friend. So thanks to her, and I hope I can be
better returning that kind of love and friendship.
But yeah- life. And just stuff. And issues, and the baggage we
carry, all mixed with having either been cooped up at home for a long time, or
forced out to work in the midst of the unknown and scary, or maybe you’re a
teacher and for you right now life is literally a battle ground and a war and
you find yourself nearly pitted against half of your friend-base because of how
the virus and politics and the politicization of the virus is wreaking havoc on
relationships and your job and your kids, etc. So it’s intense. Talking to my therapist recently,
I said that I felt like Covid was finally getting to me, but it had taken a few
months, and he was like YEAH ME TOO! Haha So our session was like just
listening and sharing our experiences. I appreciated his vulnerability with me,
while not crossing professional lines albeit, but just sharing of how he faces similar
stuff. Anyway, before I digress too much, let me get to my point. (And if you are thinking about the fact
that I just referred to a male therapist, and you thought I saw a woman, well
you are correct. I see both. I have two. That’s how much help MeginLea needs my
friends. She requires TWO therapists. No shame. Let’s get real. People need
support. I highly suggest therapy. And if you are able, get more than one
therapist. It really helps. :D!)
Okay- so the
point at hand. I’m not supposed to be blogging, and I will pick back
up soon and explain some of the things I’ve realized by taking a week off from
blogging, but first, this morning, I wanna get these words out before I lose
them in head!
I am tired of struggling, as a woman, with
having issue with my body. It freaking sucks, AND, it’s not fair. I
guess there are men who struggle with body image, but honestly, I don’t know
much about their experiences because I don’t know many men who speak openly
about them. There are a few guys I know who sometimes share their
vulnerabilities with me, and honestly, I SO APPRECIATE THAT. It’s not weird or
awkward for me at all. I just appreciate seeing that this world ALSO AFFECTS
THEM.
So I guess I struggle less today than I have in the past,
but I still find that the world, and sadly a lot of men, feel like they have
permission to comment on women’s bodies or how women look or how women ‘should’
look. I suppose there are women who also feel like they have this permission,
but it really does wreak havoc on us- it’s WRONG. It’s not fair. It’s NOT
OKAY. And a particular note to parents out there raising kids, please be
REALLY careful about what you say to your kids about their bodies, and what
your kids hear you say ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES AND YOUR OWN BODY.
True Story:
In my home, bodies were dissected a lot. Comments were made about what women
looked like, whether they were hot. My dad made a lot of these comments openly
and rated women. “She’s got great legs; LOOK at them,” or “she really
let herself go.” Or “So-n-so, she’s definitely really fat. She needs to
cut back on the twinkies.” Or, “she’s got a nice rack,” or “she’s
too thin- nothing up top,” or even the story about how he used to think my
mom wasn’t that attractive, when he first met her, but then when he ran into
her years later, after she’d had Buffie, (and lost her first husband),
she’d gained some weight and looked better, more meat on her bones, and so then
he wanted to date her. Ugh. These comments saturated my childhood…and they are
just a few… there were so many more, some much worse, some less obvious.
And Mom- My mom talked negatively about her body and how
much she hated it, constantly….and she struggled a lot, with her appearance.
It was hard for her to get dressed to go places, took her a long time, but I
watched her struggle and feel she HAD to look a certain way to go out. She got
a lot better with age, and I am proud of her today. She goes into public and fights
her issues with body image. She lives as a testimony of finding her worth in
Christ even though she doesn’t feel that great about her appearance, and she’s
gotten so much better about her negative- self talk, and she’s gets dressed WAY
faster than anyone in our family!
But yeah, jokes were made about female sexuality, about sex,
about people’s bodies. It was detrimental, I believe, to my siblings and me. My
parents have grown a lot in how they understand this type of talk, and they are
better to a degree. And I don’t harbor resentment toward them. They did the
best with what they knew, and obviously they responded based on how they
were raised and how they were taught, what they were
taught was right and wrong, what THEY heard in church, what was exampled to
them was okay to say and not okay to say.
I don’t believe they necessarily sought to be malicious (all the time
at least) or hurt us. My dad thought he was joking most of the time, but I remember reading a book about 10 years ago
about sexual abuse, and verbal sexual abuse, and realizing just how much verbal
and mental sexual abuse there was in the environment that was my household
growing up and my school growing up, and the culture of the church and the
community in which I was immersed. I’m not trying to pass judgment and
say everyone was ALL bad, but there were definitely parts that shaped me and
hurt me, damaged my view of self and my understanding of what it means to be
male, female, sexual, and possess sexuality. There was a lot of mixture of
shame, guilt, fear, and objectification. I still struggle, feeling objectified
often, and wanting to literally punch people out for comments sometimes. Or
wanting to hide myself in shame because of how I look.
Because if I’m honest, my biggest critic of me is….ME.
Since covid, I’ve been wearing a lot less make-up. Who sees
me? Not many people. So why put it on. Now sometimes I do play around with it
and wear it simply because I just enjoy it, and it’s fun. I love
jewelry and clothes and dressing up and basically PLAYING dress up. It’s like
art therapy to me. It’s just FUN. But at the same time, I can feel like I NEED
to look a certain way to go into public, or feel ASHAMED of myself if I don’t.
I can remember in my house, whenever we needed to run out to get something from
the store, Mom would say she couldn’t go in because she wasn’t ‘’dressed.” That
didn’t mean she didn’t have on clothes. Of course not. It actually just meant
she wasn’t wearing nice clothes, and she didn’t have on makeup or
her hair fixed. So she’d always make my brother go in, but he hated that! She’d
say “you can just put on a hat,” but honestly, couldn’t she just put on
a hat on too? No, she couldn’t. Why not? Why not??? I think in hindsight…. And what
did that teach me and impress upon me. And when Bryant would say, “Why can’t
Megin go?” I wasn’t even ever really given a chance to answer for myself
because it would be said, “Well she’s not dressed either.” Now my mother certainly thought I was beautiful and
told me so ALL the time, but that right there signaled to me, if I wasn’t
wearing the right clothes and didn’t have my hair in place and makeup on, I
wasn’t presentable to run in and buy milk. And that stuck with me.
Or comments like “you look so pretty,” right before I’d
have a chorus concert, but then it would be followed by, “Don’t you want to
put on some lipstick to make your lips stand out?” I’d say, “I’m already
wearing some.” I liked muted colors. She’d say, “Well you can barely see
it.” She wanted it more noticeable I guess… and that kinda stuck with me. I
looked pretty, BUT I’d look better IF I did more to fix myself up. She wasn’t
trying to scar me, but I think those things DID scar me.
So yeah, SUPER vulnerability here… Hopefully it will help people and not just make me look stupid. We took this picture yesterday, and when I look at it, I all I see are “my eyes look so small, out of proportion. My nose is huge. I should have put on more mascara and eye liner to make them stand out, and if I lost another 10 lbs, my face would look slimmer, and I definitely look prettier if my face is slimmer.”
Now before you think “holy sh**- Megin is terrible. And I am never going to go in her presence again because she must think I am hideous,” just hang on…. These standards of which I speak are standards to which I literally hold myself and myself alone. I have friends who probably identify as MUCH heavier than me, with bigger hips, wider faces, smaller eyes, or bigger noses, and I LEGIT look at these women and think “they are so pretty,” and I think like, “If I looked like them, I wouldn’t mind that I weighed more or had a larger nose, because they look PRETTY!” So literally, it comes down to how I see myself. I honestly don’t look at other women and judge their bodies. Or do I? Is there something deeper in my subconscious that actually IS if I’m thinking so harshly about myself? Hmm- THAT’S something to chew on… what does our inability to love our own bodies ACTUALLY mean about how we just view bodies in general…. Talk about walk of shame having to think about THAT? Or here, take this video for example. I would not typically post a video of myself in a swimsuit, but I post this to make my point. I see my friends in swimsuits, even friends that have like 30 lbs on me, and I’m like GORGEOUS! OMG. SO PRETTY! I LOVE IT. WEAR IT WITH PRIDE, and they are like “No. I can’t. I’m too fat,” and I’m like “ummm you had a BABY,” or “YOU HAD TWO BABIES,” OR YOU HAD “FIVE BABIES.” “You look great. You’re so hot! Seriously. AMAZING.” But this video of myself, I saw it, and all I saw was “stomach hanging out…. Not flat like it used to be. OMGEEE the cellulite on my legs…sheesh. I can’t believe I was out like that, in front of people. I had no idea how awful I looked!” I don’t see “strong legs,” or “strong body that birthed two kids! Courageous Mommy playing with kids.” I don’t see that. My husband is like, “wow. I think you look amazing. Why do you see yourself that way?” And I’m like “ummm, it’s reality. It’s right there…duh…” Hmmm… this sounds spiritual to me- LIKE A BLOCK. Listening to lies… Satan’s lies brought through the world, culture, words we’ve heard and internalized and now say back to ourselves!
So I say all that to say…. It sucks. And it’s real. And are there other men and women out there like me? If so, please raise your hand here on this post, if you’re brave enough, and let’s commit to PRAY FOR EACH OTHER, that we can see each other THROUGH each other’s eyes, regardless of what size our hips are or our noses or our eyes…. And let’s compliment each other and remind each other of how GOD sees us and WE see each other as to overcome and combat the lies from satan, society, or the culture, or people who have abused us in the past, knowingly or unknowingly. Let’s tell each other the truth about the PURPOSE of our bodies and cast down the objectivation and condemnation. Let’s be the change and set an example for our children.
Who is with me?
I know this may all sound silly, and goodness knows it doesn’t make me look cool and together, but Pastor John preached well this morning and reminded us that if we want to be light that casts out darkness, we have to BE IT. Speak it, so I want to speak these truths and trust in faith that God can use it. If there is no salt in me, what’s my purpose? I will cling to my identity being in Christ and not in how cool or together I come across on social media or to the world or people I know. “If you aren’t going to be the solution, God will take your light away.” -P.John (based off of text in Jeremiah 40). So true. The solution to darkness and evil is truth, so let us speak the truth… Jesus, may your truth be heralded…
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