If We Didn't Need So Much, We Would Probably Help A Lot More

If we didn’t need people so much, we would probably be able to help each other a lot more. This is something God has been teaching me for a while now.

When I was a teenager, and in my 20’s, I needed to have a boyfriend. I wanted boyfriends so badly. It was an obsession. Having a boyfriend meant that there was someone who understood me, loved me, and liked me more than he liked other people (or girls at least). And having a boyfriend meant I had someone who would be my teammate in issues of life….specifically, at that time, my family and homelife, which was a point of much contention and trauma/drama. Having a boyfriend meant I wasn’t alone in all of it. I had support. It was amazing. When I had a boyfriend, I felt so much more secure. This led me, obviously, to dating a lot of losers just because I needed someone by my side. It also led to me smothering the good guys I dated because I needed so much from them, and it led to me scaring away potential suitors because I came on too strong, (man do I have embarrassing stories of rejection after I came on too strong!!! Ahhhh). So I learned to adapt, read all those books about being coy and mysterious…or…well…let’s be honest. I TRIED to adapt, but I was never really that great at it. I’m pretty sure the first guy I didn’t pursue hardcore was Jesse, but he, ironically, was also the least responsive of any guy I ever dated… the least publicly affirming and pursuant of me….and yet somehow we ended up married to each other. Go figure. I literally remember us having a conflict one time, and me saying to him “Well maybe we should just break up.” His response? “I mean, if you want to, we can.” To which I said, “well do YOU want to?” And then he said, “Well I don’t want to date a girl that doesn’t want to date me.” And then I said, “But do you want to date me?” and he said, “Do you want to date me?” I honestly do not even remember how the conversation ended. We didn’t break up though. We probably just kept asking each other the same question until we were bored and ate pizza. Honestly. That’s probably what happened.

Anyway, you could say that I grew out of my need for a boy to affirm me and like me in order to be secure. I learned to look to Jesus. I learned to find my self-worth in Him and not what the guy I was dating thought of me…. It didn’t happen overnight, and I guess Jesse and I still work on that…. Not operating out of motivations based on what we want the other to think of us or what we fear the other may think of us. What God has been showing me for a long time now is that I have really operated this way with ALL people and relationships, not just boyfriends (or my husband) though.

Example: A few years back, I had a friend tell me that she was hurt by me and that she’d actually been harboring hurt for a few years because of some ways that I had acted and some things I had done. She was finally being courageous, brave, and telling me about the hurt. I, however, could not listen to what she had to say. I was both devastated and enraged at the same time. How dare she! The things she was hurt by, did she not understand that they were not that big of a deal…. And that there were OBVIOUS reasons why I had done those things? I had been going through such a hard time in my life, such a dark time- how could she expect so much of me and hold me to such a high standard? Why was I never good enough for her? I lashed out at her with all of these thoughts… I lashed out at myself and God as well. I lost it really and wanted to give up on life. I supposed I could never please anyone no matter how hard I tried. God, thankfully, got my attention and taught me a deep lesson. My response to her telling me these things revealed a LOT about where I found my worth and about why I felt like I mattered. My response revealed what drove me in my relationships even. This friend had been courageous to tell me about things that had hurt her, regardless of if there were legitimate reasons for me acting in such ways or not, she HAD been hurt. She was BRAVE to tell me that, especially in the face of my reaction! And her hurt mattered. My response had been to squash her because she dared threaten the ground I stood on….that ground being my performance as a friend and a person. I needed to feel I had performed well enough, good enough, in order to feel secure. I needed her to understand I had done my absolute best and was trying my absolute best. My need for this was entirely self-centered though, and focusing on this need kept me from being able to listen to her and see HER needs. In actuality, her courage was calling us BOTH to higher places. I had ignored her needs in our friendship for a long time simply because I was so preoccupied with how terrible I thought I was. I thought she was perfect and didn’t have as many needs simply because she didn’t wear her needs on her sleeve like I did. I had missed cues and chances to listen to her, to be curious, to love her, to be her friend, because I was so preoccupied with trying to be GOOD enough for her and everyone else and make sure they LIKED me so that I could have WORTH…. Because I was so preoccupied with the idea that it was even POSSIBLE for me to be good enough and create my own worth, I had acted in a way that proved me unworthy. That right there is the sin. No one could ever be good enough apart from Christ. Only Christ was perfect. We either find worth in Him, or we work ourselves to the bone trying to find it for ourselves….but we will see it is illusive. Only Christ…only Jesus attains… 

Thankfully, God helped me see this. I was able to repent. We were able to share. Eventually, she was able to feel heard. I was able to listen. Our friendship grew and mended. I think we are both more self-aware today, and I know I am ridiculously thankful to her for her courage and how she called me up higher… and even called herself up higher in the process. Praise God.

But caring less about what people think of me and caring more about people is still a struggle. I still struggle in my relationships with people ALL the time. I want them to understand why I have acted in certain ways. I want them to understand the ways I’ve been sinned against or abused. I want to be validated in their eyes, but if I focus on that, I never listen to their pain. AND I end up becoming the abuser. Just this past week, I was talking to a friend about how leaders can be spiritually abusive. I was seeking to get validation from this friend about how I felt I had been spiritually abused by someone in the past. Instead, this friend pointed out that I had done things that were spiritually abusive. Immediately I was overcome with HAVING to explain and justify WHY I did those things and that it was NOT my intention to be abusive… In hindsight, I am now reminded of what Dan Allender said at a marriage conference Jesse and I went to a few years back. He said that often times in marriage, we spend our time trying to explain our INTENTIONS to our spouse when really we should just apologize because our actions HURT our spouse. Sure, we didn’t MEAN to be evil, BUT we acted in an evil way. He challenged us by saying something along the lines of

“Let’s all agree to understand that none of us are attempting to be abusive and evil….BUT we are abusive to each other. Recognize it.”

 That hit home. And that’s something Jesse and I have tried to remember as we work through issues. We try to spend less time explaining our intentions in order to justify and secure the fact that we aren’t TRYING to be unrighteous. Instead, we just spend time (or try to spend time) tending to each other’s wounds.

So in this recent story with my friend and talking about spiritual abuse, it would have been better for me to listen to her hurts instead of trying to justify that I didn’t intend to hurt her. I couldn’t do that though because I needed something from her. I needed HER to assuage MY OWN hurt. I was looking to her to comfort me for the hurt I had endured. There are times we can look to others to comfort us in our hurts, but perhaps we just need to consider who we are asking to comfort us. Is it fair to ask that of them? Are we asking someone to comfort us for a hurt when we have hurt them the same way? Is it possible they they have similar hurts and no one has comforted them? Comfort them first! That’s what Jesus would do. He tended to others and took His hurts to God. Maybe it would work better if we ALL took our hurts to JESUS before looking to people to assuage them…. If I could find comfort and validation in Christ, trust that Christ knew my true heart, and have THAT be enough for me, I would be free to hear accusations of how my actions had hurt another pesron. I would be free because I would know that I was secure in Christ. Christ knows who I truly am. I don’t have to defend or explain myself to another pesron. I can simply apologize because the reality is, I HURT people. You see what I mean? 

If we NEED LESS from each other, we actually HELP each other more. It’s incredible…but so tricky… I’m trying to learn this, but I’m not that great at it. I’ll keep working on it, with God’s help because this must be a part of what Paul is speaking about in Colossians when he says that his life is hid with Christ on high. If I trust God to work things out for me, to vindicate me when I need to be vindicated, to work out justice for me, then I am freed to love without having to worry about taking care of myself. I can trust God will care for me. In His time. It may take a while, but He works in ALL things for HIS glory and HIS good, and HE is glorified when we are satisfied and being used the way He has created us to be used. Look at Joseph in Genesis. He’s the perfect example! He was in jail a long time… but God was always working out incredible things that Joseph probably would not have believed had God told him up front. I pray I can keep the faith and focus my eyes on God…even when I’m in jail… Come Lord Jesus. Help me need people less so that I can help them more. Help me identify myself solely in You, my Savior and my God, and listen to others.