24 Year Old Megin parented Eli.
Remember Xanga? Yeah, I used to have one of those. A few years back, xanga died, but I was able to convert my xanga entries into a wordpress. I haven't touched that wordpress since then, however.
Well the other day, I stumbled across my brother-in-laws wordpress, and that reminded me that I had one as well, so I figured out my login and strolled down memory lane. And well, of course, Megin of 2006 ministered to Megin of 2020. Now, if you peruse through my wordpress, (something I'm NOT suggesting- like seriously. Please....spare me the embarrassment), you will find PLENTY of immature babble from a young girl seeking God, trying to find her way, but missing the mark most of the time. Nonetheless, there are a few gems here and there, especially toward the end.... in 2006 and 2007, when God was REALLY getting His way... Those posts, I appreciate. They are gold to me...honey, because they were during a time when I was completely in communion with God and in love with Him. I've had times like that since....but those times are not my perpetual state obviously... Praise God for documentation of those times, however, to help guide me back to Him. Anyway, my point is, this gem, the other night, helped me parent Eli. Young 24-year-old Megin, gave 37-year-old Megin some damn good advice.
You should stop now and read aforementioned gem before
youread what is below lest you really miss the point ....
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She was a smart girl, huh? I like that girl. Like I said, she had a lot to learn, but she was authentic...authentic to herself at that time. I like her. Maybe that means that 13 years from now I'll like who I am now.
Anyway, there are a few things that 2006 Megin said that blew me away.
1. I am amazed that she really thought back then that there was even a possibility of a guy out there that would fulfill her. She dreamed for it. I remember when she dreamed for it. But God was teaching her otherwise. And I recall, she met a few who she REALLY thought took the cake! (Is that still a saying)? Like...she thought SURELY they would do it. But they either didn't like her, or did like her and she didn't know it, or liked her but were kept from being able to pursue her because of other life circumstances, or well, you get the picture. She was a complicated young one, that girl.... and so she never ended up with them. Then Jesse came along, and because of his make-up, (personality plus emotional baggage), he never quite offered her all that affirmation and mushy-gush of which she'd dreamed .... but she had learned that that stuff wasn't the thing after which she should seek. And she did know that Jesse was who God was telling her she should marry. (That's a story for another time). And she loved Jesse. So she married Jesse. But she knew he didn't fill her up. And rightly so .... because in the words she quoted from her friend back in 2006. "she still longed… she still needed and desired. That was when she finally realized that her need and longing and desire would be satisfied only in the Lord Jesus Christ…and that it drove her to Him." I have found that to be true in marriage, and I am still driven and drawn to the true lover of my soul. Praise God.
2. 2006 Megin goes on to talk about living in the present and enduring for the glory of God. She doesn't specifically say that is what she is talking about, but I think 2020 Megin can concisely summarize it as that.... living in the present and doing what we are called to do in this moment....for the glory of God...whatever the circumstances may be. 2006 Megin writes, "I’d like to just ask one question: why would any of us think we could ever be content or find the utmost joy unless we were doing what we were made to do??"
And isn't that the truth.... how many times do we find ourselves miserable because we want to do things we are not able to do at the moment....or perhaps because we want to do things we aren't even made to do!? So we work hard to try to be able to do those things when God isn't even calling us to do those things. We think those THINGS will satisfy us, but the truth is, THEY WON'T. God knows that. God knows eventually the shimmer and shine will wear off of even our greatest hopes and dreams, and we won't be satisfied with them any longer. So often, He shields us from even attaining them. We call Him cruel for it. Actually, He's merciful. He's saving us time. If we can realize that we are made for our current circumstances, and that every circumstance comes from the hand of a good Father, even our pain and suffering, then we are free to press into them.... to grieve WITH Him... to grieve IN Him and to be comforted with all the SUPERNATURAL strength and comfort of the Father. (Cue Elisabeth Elliot and her incredible quote to live by that "God never did anything TO me that He didn't also do FOR me." I rest my case).
Lest you think I am speaking of some trite or pat answer, some 'just trust God even though your child just died,' please know I am not. I say SUPERNATURAL because that is just what it is. It is not natural to feel hope and comfort in the face of completely awful, wretched, tragedies. It does not come from my logic or understanding or any ability to control; yet, in the midst of the suffering and pain, I sense God. He lifts my Spirit. He fuels my body. I am invigorated. And I cry, but with strength, and somehow have the ability to get up and DO what is in front of me .... and as I DO what is in front of me, I am changed, and joy comes, and I begin to ENJOY what I am DOING for the GLORY of God. I can ENJOY and co-exist with the pain even. God honors obedience .... acting in this way in acting in faith, and God honors that. He is NEAR THE BROKEN-HEARTED and SAVES the crushed in Spirit. So indeed be broken-hearted and crushed, but with Him. To be broken-hearted and in despair apart from God...well, I don't know how I would survive. I need the supernatural.
So the other night, I was losing it man. (This is the point of the story....if you've even made it this far). This isolation and being cramped in this apartment is tough on me. I realize we are blessed to live in the middle of NYC. For so many, a 2 bedroom apartment in the LES is a DREAM COME TRUE. It was never my dream though, so for me, it can be hard at times. My ''natural'' dreams are probably things that people who would LOVE to live NYC would hate. I'm not saying I hate living here. Far from it. I'm just saying I am here out of calling....calling from God. And I do love it and am thankful. That is not lost. BUT there are times when it is ridiculously hard and challenging. And the other night was one of them, especially in the midst of COVID and all the anxiety and fear it stirs up....and the fact that we can't really freaking leave our apartment; thus, we are all on top of each other all the time.
And Eli has now decided that his favorite place to play is mine and Jesse's bedroom. BEFORE, my bedroom was my place of solace. I kept it neat, cool, clean, and calm. I could retreat there and pray and rest and commune with God. For some reason, however, Eli has recently found it to be the place HE finds rest and joy and strength. And he wants to take all his toys in there. So now we have toys in his bedroom, the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen sometimes, AND in my bedroom. So there was NO where I could go to escape. I started cleaning up the toys in my bedroom, and he broke down. Like literally started melting down so sad because he wanted to keep his toys in there so he could play with them later. I wouldn't have it. I deserve a sanctuary I said. It makes sense. I'm not a horrible Mom for asking for MY bedroom to be a toy-free zone. I'm not. It's a valid boundary. SO I cleaned them up while he sobbed hysterically. I told him I was sorry but Mommy needed this space. And then I let Jesse try to comfort him, although that didn't work. He kept crying. He just sat in the middle of my bed crying. 
That's when I came back into the living room and somehow stumbled upon my post from 2006 and read it.... but before I read it, I had sat here and prayed silently, pondered in my mind my own parenting, questioned myself, and said to God, "Am I wrong God? Should I just let him keep toys in there? I don't know. I don't want to hurt my child. I am exhausted though. I want space. What about me? But he is so sad. I just don't know God. What the freaking heck? I don't know what to freaking do?! Give me a stinking manual about parenting, and make it bloody easier because I'm dying here." Then I read the post.
And it was like God's Spirit spoke directly to my soul. THIS is what I wanted for many years, to be "Mommy." To mother little grimy hands. I wanted to love little children that were my own and care for them. I wanted to immerse myself in caring for my family. No, I didn't want to do while confined to an apartment and not allowed to leave...and no I didn't realize completely HOW hard it was going to be...BUT I wanted it. And I longed for it, and I prayed for it, AND God knew I WAS cut out for it. God knew it WOULD be good for me and I COULD be good at it....WITH HIS HELP albeit. And here I am, in the middle of COVID, with them around me 24-7, and I'm yelling at them and telling them to give me space. For whatever reason, my son's little heart feels comforted and close to Mommy playing in her bedroom right now. Why not just live in the PRESENT, in THIS circumstance and allow him? Why do I need the toys to be out for me to be able to commune with God? Why not live in THIS season with toys in my bedroom? THIS is a season to be Mommy. I will have plenty in the future when there are no toys that will be needing to flood my bedroom. But for now, just embrace THIS. Stop needing it to look or BE something different. Just be HERE....DO THIS...to the best of my ability with what I have, and THAT'S ALL. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just BE for God's glory WITH what God has given me THROUGH God's power. HE'LL MEET ME HERE TO HELP ME PARENT.
So I got up, and picked up the bag I'd put his toys away in, and took it back to the bedroom. I sat down on the bed next to my son who was still crying a little, and I said"I'm sorry buddy. Actually, we'll put the toys back. God helped me see that we can keep the toys in here for a little while. It's okay. I'm sorry Mommy got upset. Sometimes Mommy makes mistakes and has to undo things she does. I need to undo this right now, and I'm really sorry it made you so sad." He gave me a big hug and said "It's okay Mommy. I still love you. I just want to play with you where you are Mommy because I just love you." So we took out the toys, and we played.
Thank you God that 2006 Megin was a smart young woman. Thank you for using her to minister to 2020 Megin. Sometimes I feel like 2020 Megin is the biggest idiot and most ungodly woman. But at least she can model humility for her child. And thank you that you've given me a child who models grace. It's incredible.
That's all for now. I don't have time to check and proofread this and make it flow better ... to make it come across attractive to the reader... my son is calling me... and I want to go be his mommy. I want to, even though it's messy. And God will give me strength to do it...
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