Remember ME?

 

I'm back. Blogging will slowly return. Remember THIS DAY? Now that's another issue entirely. Let us see what we can remember.

It’s been a while, huh? I guess there were a few posts here or there, more often random Facebook rants, in between the kid stories, massive rants about pain or something not right…something political... you know. Normal things. BUT, the truth is, if you pay attention, I haven’t been doing that well for months. Maybe some of you assumed (because you did pay attention to social media, or you didn't see me at church). Others of you may have assumed that I’m not around because I have “better things to do,” and don’t care about the people and places from which I have isolated (even though my life used to basically REVOLVE around them, even after Eli...). Others may be completely oblivious. (Probably the majority. I’m pretty sure FEWER people think about me than I like to pretend and tell myself). Those who have kept up, however, and REACHED OUT, for that, I am grateful, immensely. And by your hands and prayers and listening ears and compassion or validation or just general RESPECT, I have survive. OH, also by your immense ability to show grace to OTHERS and put another person's ''crisis" before your own huge problems, or at least not dare accuse them of having too many problems, BY ALL OF THAT, I have survived and been sustained.

For those who don't know, I have been struggling, since about late August, early September, and NO, my friends or critics, (Because I did have critics. People who questioned why I would attempt something like this because it was just so hard even though they had experience, but me....I had no experience. Or people who feared that the new amount of commitment it would require of me would leave me short of doing things to help them, or, gasp, literally overwhelm me to where they might have to rearrange their priority for a moment to catch me when I fell as attempting something GOOD and new- NO to all of you,) NO, it is NOT just because of homeschool. 

Believe it or not, I realized early on that basically I was created to homeschool, and I had cheerleaders, who gave me ideas, taught me how to be less hard on myself, offered literally to visit and work with me through a day; people who said "Why don't you think you can do it? You totally can! And even if you decide not to do it, it's just K5. You can get him ready enough for 1st grade, and he will catch up, and he will actually probably be more equipped in some areas)-

BUT the random need for so many various gifts to homeschool seemed to be something I could at least attempt par or above average, and that I enjoyed because I we didn't get bored. Let's face it, I am not EXTREMELY gifted in any one area, (except maybe oversharing), but I tend to know a little about a lot.... AND THAT, it came in handy! 

But yes, obviously the stamina homeschooling required combined with also the ability to quadruple task while watching pets and Eden (1 then, and now 1.5), took it’s toll on me…. and not at a time I was at peak emotional and spiritual and physical strength, but at a time when, I wasn’t ACTUALLY that strong to begin with because I'd been going downhill and getting slapped in the face with trials for months previous..... If you watch the posts from March 2020 through August 2020, it is pretttttty clear. Actually, if you read through basically all my personal posts, you’ll see these seasons repeat...

Furthermore, I had MORE LOSSES after I started homecoming. Loss has continued or gotten closer to home since September... and I said goodbye to my pal of 18 years just a month ago, when I also lost my uncle.

I DO NOT MEAN to complain. No. Not at all. I basically, DESIRE TO ILLUSTRATE what's been going on, and the legitimacy of it in hopes that maybe some GRACE CAN BE GIVEN, EVEN in the ways I've sinned and messed up admist it all. I guarantee, I was never NOT trying my best..

The recent years have been punctuated with coming in and out of grief, and even complex grief. (Look those up- they are literal, medical terms) and in various places in my emotional, spiritual, physical, mental abilities that determine whether I could validate my pain and needs, or whether I listened to the lies but believed them as truths: You should more faithful and just STRONG, especially at the behest of others….and let me honest for a second, I would say that over the past 13 years, I have found myself surrounded more and more by community that basically wanted to sugar coat things and not have to face their own feelings enough to allow another person to have emotions! I've seen people hurt deeply, and hide their pain, sweep it under the rug, and pretend like it's not there, even when you invite them into it or apologize yourself. Thankfully most of those people are actually out of my life by now; thankfully my very small circle currently contains because who CAN SHOW GRACE, can BE VULNERABLE, can have COMPASSION, and can put the need of another above their own fears and spiritual strongholds in order TO LOVE. but still, it hurt tremendously because of how much I had grown to trust a large community over the first half of the period I have been here, and during these years of my life. Yet as of the recent years, people have shown there true motives for ever even saying they were my friends or pretending to have interest in my life in the first place... or tell me I didn't communicate and talk to them enough only to have me DO that and then they leave without so much as the courtesy of saying, "I've made the decision that _________, and so I won't be around as much). NOPE not even that. 

Getting back to the actual MAIN POINT (before the word vomit), asking "Do You Remember Me?" is pretty dramatic. You probably do remember me. I haven’t really fell off the face of the map THAT long, but I bet I know something you probably don’t remember…. You probably DON’T remember what today is…. (guessing now and getting it right doesn't count unless you knew before... although I guess it counts a little, that at least you get a clue, so thank you for that), and how about 3 years and 8 months ago, from this day, I was completely reoriented to LIFE, and btw- I shared that all with you. I have shared basically everything on this blog...which maybe is why some just left and never confronted where they saw themselves in my honesty, and saw me say how they hurt me. WHO KNOWS.. 

March 21, 2021....The birthday of the first child I miscarried. Aden Zoe. A portion of what his names mean is Fruitful life, (Similar to Eden's name). Go ahead, scroll back through the posts through the years around this time, and maybe you’ll be reminded. Or actually, if you are so inclined, go to my blog and just read posts labeled Miscarriage.

And that’s just the problem, that it TAKES reminding, to our communities, to our own families, to our spouses. But we women of this type of loss are used to this; it is often a place where we grieve alone because we are the ones with whom the growing life inside of us had as much physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual impact. We are the ones whose entire minds centered solely around baby since  the time we found out. So obviously, we are going to feel it MORE. Especially after multiple anniversaries surrounding our loss which no one ever remembers, even with hints. But the question is, why must we feel it, any of it, alone? Why can’t we have company in the spaces even if you don’t know the pain? Perhaps because people don’t know enough of their own pains to allow for someone to be THAT weak?

I digress. Because it’s not all bad… the fact that I’m even posting this indicates that I am coming back. And I have been for a bit now now. I suppose I just don’t feel like I owe that many people any explanation as to where I’ve been or what’s now going on because not THAT many people have kept up and checked in with me, although I will say….. I am beyond thankful, honestly, for those who have. My heart was filled with gratitude again today, even as I reread every card I ever received in regard to my miscarriages and losses or the amount it has taken for Jesse and myself to endure in ministry where we have been the past ten years. I was literally in tears of thanksgiving as I went through my Aden box today, but then, there were tears of grief too, as I reread past posts and remembered the trauma of things I endured, and the things said to me in response, as I grieved, and of the losses centering even in my marriage and how Jesse and I were completely not living our lives as one. He emotionally not there, and I will filled with anger about it.

As the strength returns, however, I am more aware of how we need to narrow our focus in our family. We are taking some time to seek to restructure some stuff, and I guess that makes sense as we are coming up on 10 years of being married. Priorities have shifted, however, and too often, I haven’t just lived my life alone, but I’ve lived a life that I felt I had to live for other people, even my husband, alone. And that is a very lonely place indeed. Incredibly.

So happy birthday Aden. Here I am…. Having known you more than three years now. Having had life completely impacted by you for more than 3 years now. You entirely changed the course of my life. The trajectory shifted. I woke up. The repressed memories of past losses and trauma never grieved unleashed themselves in my mind, and I have been working through them furiously and applying what I learned through my years of having forgotten them. I gained a toolbox during those years, I now I have this toolbox to deal with the past’s trauma, and the pain in the present... And you initiated this time into being.

As I close, I really am not looking for any I’m sorry's from anyone, or sympathy, and I am certainly not looking for any judgement from people for my feelings that are based in actual real-life experience. (And yes I get judgment sometimes. I even got it this time from the first person I decided to share this post with before publishing. That's why it's taken me days... because I'd had to build up the confidence to believe in myself and that I am worth it and allowed SOMETIMES just to write to express myself and not need to communicate 8 steps for how to help and that everything is really okay. I’m comfortable with where I am. I am working through guilt and shame over mistakes I’ve made… and re-ushering myself into the Gospel, and there are enough who are supporting me. 

As well, I am becoming aware of some of the people how have been here for me, longer than I even realized, and reconnecting… trying to at least… and to live intentionally in the moment without regard for the future or how to endure it.

 I suppose briefly, as well as summarize, I’ll share this Personal Evidence from Today: I missed a church meeting today, a meeting about the merger, and one where we could ask questions or share-- not sure what that meant actually. (And although I wrote what is to follow before I got a summary of how the meeting went, I am thinking now that perhaps it was best that I did not go. I don't think I'm ready to deal with the reality of where certain people, or that there is a real possibility that the very few dissenters just happen to have VERY LARGE voices, and without them putting away their......well I won't claim to be able to judge what perhaps they may need to let go of to do what is more the obvious leading from God in my opinion... well....would this really end? Good luck with everything after that... I'm still thanking for the majority support, but it's possible the minority may just get their way because of arhaic rules of procedure.) .

Ironically, I initially planned on going, even though I had said for a month I wasn’t, and I reviewed all the handouts at the last minute, and got prepared to go….

But then it set in, about Aden, about how I’d prepped Jesse in advance about the date and what it meant to me and us needing to pause to do something for him, but with the BIG MEETING, he'd forgotten again, putting on a calendar didn't help...  and then I thought about how probably no one in the world remembered Aden’s birthday on their own actually…. Maybe I was wrong, but I honestly, I would be shocked, thankful, but shocked, and then probably later repentant of my shock and doubt.

And so I took down my Aden box, and I started going through it, and rereading the old cards, and as I shared, was then turned to being filled with thanksgiving, and later grief and reflection… And I opened up a plethora of entries, and read them all back in order… and wept for myself, and for loss, and for others.

And by that time, the meeting was over, I would suspect. Maybe it wasn’t, but even so, what would I really say at the end of it? Everyone knows I’ve been for this thing for a while and believe whole heartedly that this was all God’s plan to redeem all the destruction that happened at our church in the past, at least, 13 years and more. I didn’t care much about the details at one point… the details are not at the heart of the matter. But actually, I would have something to say. I would want to stand up and ask if anyone else felt we needed actually TO PAUSE and to address any of the issues as a BODY that have happened at least in the past 13 years and and some of which is on-going, (and there have been a few people who mentioned issues that pre-date me even; there were enough issues that spoke out through surveys, and ppl who trusted us with their heart….  And how have we responded)? I don't think we have on a congregational level yet.

Well, I suppose  a good deal of the outspoken people were on the transition team and have had time to deal with grievances, at least that is what Jesse has told me each time I’ve asked over the past year. But there were others who were not part of that team and that have real hurt. And honestly, even those who didn’t respond, would it not be helpful for them to hear us all speak this out, and ask forgiveness, yield forgiveness, reflect on what we’ve learned… forge ahead aligned even if we still haven’t seen eye to eye, but at least knowing that we deeply respect the other person and are GRATEFUL FOR THEM AND THEIR CONTRIBUTION even though we may disagree about things… I mean, I could definitely use some time to share. I guess I do that here. But yeah…

That’s all I would have said. And maybe I would have been the lone voice… which actually, maybe some people have just shoved it all under the rug by now and just want to move on… but seriously? I’m mean really? Was your hurt not real? Was it not valid? Maybe that’s it; maybe no one has ever validated your pain or your anger or your experience. Or maybe you just aren't willing to forgive others and accept reality? PLEASE SHARE, whatever it is.  I WILL VALIDATE IT! EVEN IF IT INVOLVES ME. I WILL FIND A WAY TO UNDERSTAND AND HONESTLY VALIDATE YOU. We humans NEED to know we matter and can be respected regardless of where we are at on issues or what stage of life we are at, or ANYTHING. We need that. 

So that’s my summarizing rant… I didn’t mean it to be ranty, but I guess it ended that way.  Everything about this was ranty, and LOOONG winded. I wonder now if the only people who will get to the end of it are those who enjoy a salacious rambling! I should make a mental note to follow up soon with a thoroughly thankful post that emphasizes the good God has done and how God has been faithful and how Holy Spirit has guided us.  Mental note, and send myself an email. Because honestly this is only a portion of a larger story, and if there is something to communicate about, let's communicate... let me not just rant.

But for now, I will end. Pick up my children from their grandparents, and then live out every second fully with them until they are fast asleep and secure at home. Then I will try to take some time to think some more. But that’s just it, thinking is scary. It’s terrifying….to think and then….FEEL. You know what I mean, it’s why you choose not to so often. I get it; I go there, a lot, and push the feeling down, but the pain, well it never leaves till I  confront it and let it be heard. I believe that is the reality of everyone eventually. I know it is. It will have it’s way with us until we surrender or it kills us, BUT IF we surrender then it will release and change into something else….wisdom and godliness, a person with REAL relationship with God and an insane testimony. Now that takes some faith to go through… much more faith than denying the pain exists…much more faith than dying angry or trying to sabotage things you don't like just because you always just channel your pain and frustrations into leadership and then transfer them from one to the next. ... much more faith than that. Obviously.

But we gotta feel. We gotta learn how to sit in the discomfort. Everyone has pain... everyone has someone they need to have an honest yet awkward, grace filled, but also being heard type conversation with at least one person, UNLESS, unless that one has given up. Given in. Turned off their emotions. Just stepped out and away. I was almost there. I was on my way. Tides have turned, and thankfully so, but tides have turned because God loved me and spoke to me and reminded me of His ways through certain people, most of whom I haven't spent the last 13 years in New York with... a few, generally only the ones I got to know most recently. The initial community and ''friends,'' all gone,  but there are the many new angels God has bestowed upon me. Humbled me through, and brought me back to life, taught I could trust and be accepted by SOME. And I could hope that in time, that would even happen by the many more closer to home. 

REMEMBER ME? Remember this Day? Well remember this time, because I am getting stronger.... but pay attention, please, pay attention to the losses... communicate your needs, kindly and without just accusing me, and perhaps we can all get through this and keep this going for the GLORY of GOD. Because those who do not know God will not come to know God but us having the best theology or coolest meeting space, or nicest building, or best music, but they will come to know God by SEEING GOD'S HAND in the people and how they relate. How they LOVE GOD and LOVE OTHERS, and keep the rules in their proper place..... under that.... because rules come and go- fluctuate with the times- are temporary to this world.....but LOVE, LOVE REMAINS.