Happy Birthday Aden... and a Family of Six!
March 21st, 2019
Today is Aden’s 1st
birthday. There is no party- no oversized icecream cake for Mommy and Daddy to ‘’pretend’’
is for him when it’s really for us. No trip to the local zoo… (all things we
did when Eli turned 1!) I’m not sad; however. Rather, there is an ache like when
you touch an old scar. It is kind of numb, but feels a little off- nothing like
normal skin. A year and 9 months, that’s how long it took to get here. That’s
how long it took to grieve 9 weeks of dreams for him. I am thankful for Aden’s
life for so many reasons. I am thankful even for his death although I would
love for him to have been born healthy. But in his death, God ushered me into a
period of grieving so many losses from my past that I had buried because I didn’t
know how to handle them. I had no idea the countless deep memories from
childhood that were stuck deep inside of me, impacting my every day life, my
fears, my hopes, my thoughts of God, my ability to be in relationship to others….
Without the loss of Aden, I wonder when and how God would have ushered in this
intense season of grieving past loss upon past loss mingled with fresh losses
as they continued to come. We lost Aden in August, 2017, and there was
literally a new grief every month in 2018….culminating in the loss of our third
child in October… I am at peace with what God chose for us. I am thankful to be
the mother of two angels in heaven. I am wounded yet healed… and will continue
in that ambiguous state for all of life I believe. I am also immensely thankful
for the way in which I grew as Eli’s mother because of my losses. Yes, there
were plenty of time I was wracked with guilt b/c I couldn’t take Eli to do
something fun due to my fighting off depressions and anxiety… BUT my time WITH
Eli became richer- fuller. I was able to be more present with him when I was
with him. And I am thankful for the way in which he got so much of his mommy
and Daddy’s attention all these years. He’s an incredible miracle that I will
never be able fully to explain.
With all of this in mind, it is with joy AND a new awareness
and sensitivity that Jesse and I have approached the expecting of our 4th
child this Fall. We found out in January that I was pregnant again. This first
trimester has been nothing short of exhausting, painful, terrifying, and
debilitating. Of COURSE, we are and have been abundantly thankful that we were
able to conceive so quickly after the loss of Abel. But the navigating of my
intense sickness and so many of the inconveniences of the first trimester were
tough since we did not want to get our hopes up or expect that this baby would
be healthy. We’d pursued genetic testing which assured us our chances were
great for a healthy child, but when you lose two babies to genetic issues, it
can throw you through an emotional loop. When I was pregnant with Abel, we
sought to be happy yet guard our hearts, but people who would find out we were
pregnant would make us the promises that we need not fear- of course this baby
would be fine. God was blessing us! Don’t worry. I knew they meant well, but I
also knew it was super early, and one just did.not.know. In actuality, I found
myself comforting OTHERS when we lost Abel. It confused some that God would
allow two tragedies… they needed a reason for it immediately- a reason why it
was a good thing…. The truth is it wasn’t a good thing… but God was still good.
I ‘get’ that that is not something easy to accept. I wrestle with it, so I
should be patient with others… but I didn’t want to go through that again.
Jesse and I kept this pregnancy to ourselves for a long time … we didn’t even
tell our family until we had to tell them b/c of how sick I was getting.
So about that… my doctor realized early on in this pregnancy
that I had dangerously low amounts of the hormone progesterone that helps keep
a person pregnant. I had to start taking progesterone supplements to support my
pregnancy. Low progesterone puts one at risk for miscarriage. It was not
guaranteed that I would miscarry without the supplements, but it ‘’couldn’t
hurt’’ to take them…. EXCEPT…. It did hurt to take them. Some women respond
adversely to taking hormone supplements, and I am part of that ‘some.’ I can’t
even begin to describe to you the intense sickness as well as deep depression
and anxiety that came upon me overnight. I literally was nothing like myself…. And
even in the past when I’ve been depressed, I was not like this. It was crazy. I
talked with my doctors, and they said I could come off, but it was risky. At
one point I stopped for 4 days….and I could tell a DRASTIC change, but I wasn’t
willing to chance it. I continued the hormones through the majority of the
first trimester… there were weeks that I didn’t go outside except to visit the
doctor, countless days that I could only cry and lay in bed. I had to see my
doctor weekly b/c I was high risk due to age and previous pregnancy losses.
January, February, and the first portion of March were completely miserable.
The fear was also crippling… each appointment with the
doctor, I would have a sonogram, and each time, Jesse and I were prepared to
see that the baby had no more heartbeat… We had special genetic tests done, and
I was fully prepared to find out that there was something severely wrong with
this baby. Even as I write this and even as Jesse and I agreed we would
announce to the ‘social media’ world today that we were expecting, I fear
because I haven’t heard the heartbeat in 2 weeks now… I long for my next
appointment…. It is a type of post traumatic stress that cannot be assuaged by
saying “just trust in God.” It’s not that I don’t trust God… it’s just that God
doesn’t owe me this child… My life is not my own… my life is God’s… and in this
broken world, tragedy is real. It is expected… and if you’ve dedicated yourself
as a disciple of Christ, well He tells you to count the cost… life is not going
to be easy. This does not mean we are not hopeful. We are hopeful for this
child’s life. The heartbeat is strong. I am 13 weeks now, and we saw the heartbeat
last at 11 weeks. I hope to see the heartbeat again next week. Every
appointment showed that this baby was growing exactly on target… and I’ve had
plenty of pregnancy symptoms for sure. I’m growing, as people are pointing out
to me… but the joy is mixed with reality…
WHICH is why I wanted to write such a long letter to
everyone even to share this pregnancy. There is so much loss out there, so much
infertility, so much tragedy and suffering… I want to be sensitive. My joy
today may be the ‘post’ that triggers someone else’s tears or feelings of
hopelessness… If that is so, I see you and I understand. I’ve walked that exact
spot… not knowing if I’d get what I hoped for in the future… and honestly, even
now, I don’t know that I’ll get that for which I’ve hoped… Life is not promised
to any of us… and life without pain is certainly not promised… We can not know
if we have tomorrow or if our loved ones do. As much as we crave things that
give us a false sense of control, these things are just that…. Liars… they tell
us we control things, but we don’t in the end. We can do our best and still meet
what the world deems as failure….what is awful…
But there is redemption as well. There is redemption that
takes these failures… in this life we occasionally see it, but in the next life,
it will be realized beyond our comprehension… and that’s the life for which we
were made. So I hope that sharing this new joy of ours does not cause sorrow in
others. If anything, may you find that there is life in the future… there is
loss in the future as well… life mingled with loss is the already and not yet
state of the Kingdom of God in which we live on earth…
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