My Resistance
Perhaps I am quick to assume, but through just the quick read, I feel like I understand a part of a person like this to a degree even if I've never met him. The comment I most hear from people about myself is that people appreciate my transparency and vulnerability, or that people appreciate how I hear them in their pain or struggle and have compassion and comfort for them, how I SEE their pain even if I haven't experienced it. I cannot say that I've ever attempted to possess this quality, and it is even embarrassing and feels braggadocios to mention it in this blog. But I guess I have come to see that I am able to do this, and I have also come to like this quality about myself, which is saying a lot. As a whole, I would not say that I like too much about myself. I'm far too insecure for a 36 year old woman, and I hate how I wrestle and battle the same demons over and over again. I don't think I possess a very strong walk with Jesus, or as strong as it should be, and I feel my faith is frail and weak compared to what it used to be. Yet I have realized that I have an ability "to feel" more than the average person. And I've realized from the confirmation from wise women who have gone before me that this is a gift from God- so easily I see the sorrows of the world around me and take them in. Jesus was a Man of Sorrows. He embodied all the sorrows of the entire world from beginning to end. Thus, the ability to understand pain and the depths of despair can't be something that is just sinful and a lack of faith.
This gift, as any, though, comes with its downsides. Taking in so much pain, feeling so deeply, seeing so much pain, leaves me having to figure out where to put it all. The quick Christian answer is roll it back on Christ. "The burden is not ours alone to bear but His that we share!" That is true. I believe that. I even wrote that lyric in a song! But the doing of it is entirely hard. And I think the bigger the burden, the harder the task of rolling it back onto Christ. Thus it is easy for people who have suffered little to say that we must roll that pain back onto Christ and hold onto Him through the struggle and the pain. I have to be patient with these people because typically I just want to yell at them and tell them how ignorant I feel they are. But I must admit, part of my desire to do that is because they make me feel even MORE insecure and like a failure, like it's my fault and that I could fix it if I just possessed this right type of "faith." But isn't faith a GIFT of God? That means I can't just choose to have as much as I need at any given time. I can ask for it... but it also makes sense that the building of faith would come through going through trials.... similar to how one can't build muscles without first tearing them apart. So yes, I want more faith to handle what I'm going through now, but I certainly don't want to go through anything else in order to build that faith! So even asking for more faith in the midst of suffering is a brave thing to do... Rarely does it just come about spontaneously in one instant where the one who lacked faith all of the sudden- WHAM- has no more fear or anxiety or pain.
What's more, in the midst of this, I am also supposed to remember that God is good, that His character is loving and faithful. But until we stare the deepest, darkest fact in the face without allowing it to tarnish God's character, we do not know Him. I believe Oswald Chambers said that. And I believe that too... which is why I would say that I don't fully know God and desire to know Him more... because I struggle with God about his character toward me. I believe His character in regard to others, but not in regard to myself. So going on this logic of knowing Christ, it means I gotta be willing to stare more dark facts in the face and wrestle through them with God, or have more faith-building challenges so I can be more secure in God's character and see it played out more. It's no wonder so many people give up their faith.... faith isn't easy. But, despite what those who preach the cliches might say-(aka those who have suffered little)- the Bible never says faith is easy. It never says being a disciple is easy. In fact, it says the opposite. Sure, Scripture tells us we can have rest; Paul rested in Christ, but I wouldn't say his circumstances were easy. Rest does not equal easy as one might define easy. And our struggle to maintain joy in the midst of sorrow and faith-building should not be the litmus test on our performance as a Christian. Actually, there should be NO litmus test on our ''performance" as Christian outside of the fruit of the spirit. And patience does not always mean we sit happily and smiley and wait.
I am going on a tangent now though. I started this post talking about this young man, in his 20s, who touched so many lives and had incredible talent and faith, but who is now gone. And I don't know the cause of his death or anything about his life, but it seems his writing comes from a place of experience. And while we appreciate what people who go through these experiences can GIVE to us, we don't often respect their experience or walk with them. And we aren't comfortable with the byproducts of the life that can produce this type of writing or music. We don't like the struggle, the depression, the anxiety, or any despair that comes along with it. I am not ever surprised when a person who has the ability to understand pain and be transparent and connect with people in this way also struggles deeply with depression, or substance abuse, or anxiety, or some combination of those things, something of the like. Because, if we are TRULY honest with ourselves about ourselves and the world, yes, we will find beauty, but we will also find a lot of tragic darkness and pain. And here is the problem I encounter, and that I would venture to guess all people like this encounter.... Everyone is so thankful that we can be transparent, that we can understand their pain, that we can have compassion on them.... but then, most people rise out of their momentary pain and go on with their lives. Others people just push their pain away and bury it alive, tending to live on the surface mostly. Most people don't walk around for the rest of their life with their pain on their sleeve, or with their scars out for the world to see. That is not the popular thing to do. And in the "Christian-circles," it is not the "faithful" thing to do. But for people like me, people like this guy perhaps, we end up then living here, appreciated by the few in the midst of their suffering, but then pitied or "encouraged" (aka rebuked basically) by those who have forgotten pain or refused to enter into it- Rebuked by those who have never experienced pain or have experienced it on a more shallow level that allowed them to rise above and move beyond. I believe one could argue that being a Christian and being melancholy is one of the most misunderstood, judged, and mishandled issues in the church. But we sure do appreciate the songs that come from people who are acquainted with grief and other mental health issues like complex grief or PTSD.
Mother Theresa went through the dark night of the soul. One can read all about it. Yet I've heard countless times from people that she probably experienced that because she didn't have a strong enough relationship with Jesus to handle all the pain and tragedy she saw. But maybe her experience of the dark night was an EXPRESSION of Jesus... could it be that she was a vessel to express a part of the world most people are blind to? But even in hearing that she could have overcome her dark night if she had had more of a relationship with Jesus, I hear rebuke to my own experience. So my relationship with Jesus, if it were better, would make me okay with the evil I've experienced and the evil I see around me? Would make me able to move past it and not be affected by it?? NO! I can't believe that! I SHOULD be affected by it. If God is sovereign and Romans 8:28-29 is true, then I should be carrying those scars and living a life that deals with them on a daily basis whatever that may look like! I think my relationship with Jesus would make me MORE angry at evil and perilous about the sin in the world. Doesn't sin grieve God? Doesn't the pain we endure grieve His heart? Is not that why there is another world awaiting us where Scripture says that all evil, to the extent to which is was evil, will be undone and redeemed to an extent that outweighs how much the evil weighed! I don't know how to explain that well. Tim Keller does a great job explaining it. He was the first one who ever helped me understand that about the heaven and the new heavens and new earth. So yeah, I can't speculate that if Mother Theresa, or anyone suffering, had stronger relationships with Jesus, they could have endured their pain. Just last month, a pastor in California committed suicide. I have no right or would dare speculate that if he had a better relationship with Jesus, he wouldn't have died. His families' blog has been very transparent with his struggle with depression and anxiety. He succumbed to his pain. I guess his faith just wasn't enough, is what most would say? Instead, I would venture to say this: I would venture to say that this man had X amount of faith. And I would venture to say that he experienced and saw X2 amounts of pain in his own life and around him and in the world. And I would venture to say that he probably had a lot of people around him who had the SAME AMOUNT OF FAITH he had (X amount) but who only saw X1 amount of pain in their lives and around them. From the outside then, it looks like these people have more faith because they don't struggle with sadness and depression and anxiety as much. Their faith can handle the pain they see. They live much more happily. But for him, it looks like he doesn't have faith b/c his faith can't handle the pain he sees. WHEREAS PERHAPS THE REALITY OF IT IS that they EACH have equal amounts of faith but SEE THE WORLD through different lenses. Maybe if most Christians with X amount of faith weren't so judgmental of those who struggle, people like this pastor wouldn't succumb to the pain and commit suicide. Maybe if we QUIT trying to make it about faith and quantifying faith and putting it on the person to perform and create enough of a relationship with God, well then maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe we could actually LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR as ourselves and WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP. But so many Christians can't do that because they aren't brave enough to weep with their own pains. They actually have LESS faith than they realize probably because they are too afraid to enter their own pains and sit with them. Perhaps they don't want to have to depend on Jesus in the midst of such pain. And, by the way, I think depending on Jesus in the midst of pain=faith.
I remember listening to a sermon from the CCEF conference on depression. One of the speakers said that he believed the woman who had been coming to church faithfully, every Sunday, and standing and singing praise songs even though she was deeply depressed and struggled to have any type of peace or joy, that THIS woman had more faith than the people who were coming and raising their hands in praise and shouting and just feeling so happy all the time. This woman endured unrelenting demons and continued to praise God. Her hands were too weak to raise up, but she hadn't given up. Her depression was unrelenting, but she still sought God. Perhaps faith is more about not giving up and less about how it appears that we are doing as we handle our suffering or tragedy. But when we make it about ''how it appears we handle our suffering or tragedy" we make it a lot harder for people not to give up. Maybe if we told each other this, we wouldn't have those with depressions and deep pain GIVING up because they think obviously they just don't have faith. Maybe if we told them that the fact that they get up each day and attempt to move in the midst of their emotions MEANS THEY HAVE GREAT FAITH, maybe then, we'd have less suicides from these incredible people who understand pain, can write about it and sing about it, and can comfort us in our deepest moments of pain. Perhaps if we could appreciate them even after we have risen above our pains and experience joy easily again, perhaps if we could praise them even though they constantly sit in pain, perhaps then, we would understand faith a little more and understand that this world is not our home and where we ultimately find healing. This world is not where we are supposed to find our ultimate conquering of all things. Just because a person never conquers their depression doesn't mean they fail as a Christian. Conquering comes in the world beyond us. The Scripture says we are aliens in this world. But too many Christians want to make this world where we find our identity, even our Christian identity. Do we live up to Christian expectations? Ugh. It sickens me.
Like I said, I don't know anything about this young singer-song writer and what happened to him. All I know is that he was gifted in his ability to communicate the love of Christ. I know that from reading what others wrote of him. He was gifted in his ability to sing and create beautiful music that pierced and healed the soul. I know that from what others wrote of him. He was gifted in his ability to understand other's pains as well as open up about his own. I know that from what others wrote about him. I hate that he isn't here anymore because from just the little I know, he was a rare kind, a type of person that the world, especially the CHURCH, needs more of...
I may have assumed more about his struggles than I should have, so don't judge him based off of anything I assumed. But then again, why am I even so concerned with that? Is it that I don't want to slander the departed? Yes, that's it. But that in itself shows my own internal bias to think that if a person succumbs to pain or in a moment of weakness overdoses accidentally, that their life is not a life well-lived and used by God. Sure, it is tragic, but is it a failure? I don't think I can say it's a failure. I would hope my life never ended that way; that my brother's life never ended that way, that no one who struggles with depression ends their life that way. But I can't say that if a man's life ends this way, that it was just a failure. Perhaps it's a spotlight to point out an epidemic. Was the pastor in California a failure? I can't bring myself to believe that. Life IS precious. I do NOT advocate the taking of one's life. But it is really hard for me to look down upon those who have and judge or condemn them. If anything, I condemn myself and my church that we have not done enough to make a space for those who hurt and struggle to this extent. Feeling like one wants to die is Scriptural- Elijah, Job, the writer of Psalm 88... all said it. Countless Psalms describe it. Jesus even experienced being forsaken by God and questioned it. Elijah and Job do not die because God upholds them, not because of their own might. We don't read that these men do not die because they say "No. I will stand up and keep going even though God does not answer me and everyone judges me." No. We see GOD ACTING to uphold them. The only person who overcomes the forsaken-ness of God and the sorrows of the world is Jesus. We'll never overcome the sorrows of the world. It's not Job or Elijah's strength that keeps them going. It's not our strength or that pastor's strength that keep myself or him going. So I don't judge those today who succumb... because God works through us- we are His temple.... we have His Holy Spirit.... we should be his hands and feet and heart working and ACTING to uphold those who want to die. Christians take notice... people are in pain around you. Stop judging them or telling them that God can and will fix their problems. Instead, start weeping with them. Maybe God will remove their problems. But maybe He won't. Maybe they'll be sad the rest of their lives. Are we willing to sit with them and comfort them for the rest of their lives? God calls us to. Are we willing to weep with them for the rest of our lives? Because their weeping isn't sinful. It's Godly.
I pray I can weep with others and allow them to weep with me. But it is hard to allow people to weep with me, mainly because of the stigma that comes with them knowing how I feel... and the judgment they pass even through their ''encouragement.'' Sadly, I think the Christian church and it's mishandling of sorrow and depression is what is leading the rare gifts of the world to give up and lose faith. If we tell them their experience means they have no faith, why would they go on? What if we told them their experience WAS faith... Because Jesus EXPERIENCED IT AND WENT ON. HE NEVER ENJOYED DEATH. HE NEVER SAID 'IT'S OKAY THAT YOU FORSAKE ME GOD. I LIKE IT.' No. He questioned "why have you forsaken me?" He was needy to the last second, "I thirst." He died at the hands of others, completely misunderstood and ridiculed and hated even though He was PERFECT and COMPLETELY RIGHT. Jesus felt it all and expressed the pain of it all- CRYING OUT ON THE CROSS- and that was faith. And now He is seated at the right hand of God.
The world is broken... Jesus knew that. Let us quit shaming the people whose lives express and exemplify the brokenness and pain in the world. Let us quit telling them they lack faith. Let us learn from them perhaps- because perhaps God intends for them to feel this deeply so that He can communicate to others the reality of the world... could it be that even in the midst of my struggles, pain, depressions, and anxieties, that God is using me to communicate His understanding of human experience and the brokenness of the world?? That He wants to use me to put words and music to the pain, and that He's asking other Christians to love me and weep with me and not put their standards upon me, not shame me or pity me that I haven't risen above enough, and not feel threatened by the ability He's given me to feel? Could it be?
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