Words of My Life
From childhood UP,
all of That has been me. From
the orangey-yellow fuzzy carpet that I was embarrassed by when friends came
over… why was I embarrassed? Because I heard Mom talk about it being embarrassing.
I don’t know that I would have noticed all the differences if Mom hadn’t
pointed them out. Same as how I wouldn’t make such a big deal about accidents, misplaced
drivers licenses, if Dad hadn’t made it such a big deal.
I am that child. That little girl who sat there on the floor
only able to observe what was happening, with no real power to change it, or so
she thought…I didn’t feel like I had power, but I did actually, and I used it.
I prayed.
I asked God to make my family better. At times, I just prayed He’d give
me a different family. And I wrote. And I hoped. And I sang. And I learned. And
I reached out. And I observed. I took in. I went to church and to school and
eventually to a psychiatrist because it got so bad that my mother ended up in
front of a man in a black robe with a gavel in his hand who said “You and all
your children. Go. You have to. You have .. no .. choice.”
Actually, until this moment, I’ve never thought about it, but I should write
that judge a thank you card.
And so God worked. He worked hard. Not to imply that He wasn’t
at work before I prayed. Obviously He was, but His relationship with me as I
would know it hadn’t been birthed till I prayed… I didn’t know He was at work ‘till
I prayed. Honestly, I don’t know that I felt all that much rescue- never some
grandiose moment of validation that what had been done wrong was evil and affirmation that I had some worth. \
….No… that took years and years of living to fashion…..I had
to live life and let God’s provisions accumulate before I could truly
appreciate them. And often my life felt fragmented. This Megin didn’t know the
other Megin…
There was the high school Megin and her various forms. Then
the Mercer Megin, the Music Major Megin. The O.A. Megin, the ELIC and BSU with
Lord’s Players Megin, the RUF Megin, the Christianity Major Megin, the Student
Government and Phi Mu Megin, although I wonder now if I actually did those
things because I wanted to know I was good enough to get to do any of them….. ?
I never saw then how all those Megins converged, so I took
them ALL to Boston with me and my heart in love with
a guy who was tremendous and, if he would just want to be with me, well then
all of it would be fine. I would know I meant something because he loved
me------
Oh sweet girl,
I knew of God, and He’d been taking care of me, but I did
not yet know that God could actually satisfy my soul or heal my brokenness all
by Himself, without any help from any Major or Activity or Religion or Boy.
Megin left Boston with GOD.
He met her there and then He led her a few hours South, to a bigger city, a City
where all the different Megins would eventually converge. She wasn’t with that
boy though… he’d make it to New York in time
too…but like I said, God planned to
show Megin what He could do for Her all by Himself. …. And oh it was hard. She was sad. She was
lonely. She had no idea how to navigate life on her own much less be all she’d
just told her new job she could be.
She still had no power, so she thought, so she prayed, and
held tight for dear life for the ride and the wind and the wave that would come…..
…..And somewhere along the way the truth is I, Megin, forgot about all those
amazing things that were me. I found a mold I could fit in and worked to fit in
it, hoping it would heal all the hurt lingering.
I didn’t quite know just how broken, how sad and how deep
was the wound that was inside of me. And that it would take years of hard work
with wise counselors and guides ‘till I’d ever feel remotely whole. So I broke…
and I broke… and I broke…
and I sank.
And then slowly…
emerged from the ground two small cries, my own and… my new son’s as
well. And I held him and the waves came, and though most did not know, oh we fell,
we fell down, we fell down. To the floor we fell down, there to lay…
But God … But God… He’s the God of children on the floor. He
picks up and He holds so tightly you’d think you were alone…. You’d never know,
never know… so tight it’s like One. So God held us… and He healed us, bit by
bit, ever slowly we grew. A little Baby, a young Woman, finally getting to
where God would bring her to. And it was good… and well with her soul… through
God’s power, He had made her whole …. So.she.thought/
“I don’t see a heart beat… and the
baby, it should be measuring 9 weeks, but its only measuring around 7 weeks and
a few days.”
And the world Broke. Oh the poor Megin, there all she thought
she’d learned, all she’d hoped, all exposed on that floor.
Shattered.
No more pretense.
No more pretend.
No more of life before…
Then up from the grave of her 7 week old child flew an eagle so bold
and so sure! She was broken and battered, not the picture of beauty that most
readers and onlookers look for.
But this eagle had hope ironically. She had strength and dignity
despite her dirt. She didn’t mind she was in shambles. Rather she opened her
wings widely and said ‘Here I am Lord! And here’s the evidence of all
those works You worked for me long before.
Here’s the faith, and here’s the kindness, the mercy, the grace, the
understanding of to whom I’m betrothed. Not that first Boy or the Last one but
You and You only, my maker, my God, Creator.’
I am Yours… I am Yours.
From fuzzy orange carpet to tiny dead baby, You’ve carried me in Your
arms all along. Oh how often I didn’t know, how often I wondered, and how often
I said “I’ll fix this on my own.”
Now I don’t have the answers for what will be tomorrow, and You know
how much that’s not my style. But this much I do know to help me to sleep that
Your word says this Truth about You:
You’ve an eye on a
Sparrow and consider the Lilies,
so and Eagle, well she must matter too. Especially since I never prayed to be this.
On that carpet I prayed for a life a bit different.
And You often withheld from me, often said “No” and each time You did it made me Grow.
…into what I am here today, what I offer to You if I may, will you keep
holding me as we go, even when I fight to
Not go Please never, no never no
forsake… Please no never not ever, no never let waste, any Pain, any Tear, any Love denied, any Fear, if I pray, promise me You will hear!!!
So let’s go on in this evening; there’s more for the morrow, more to
see and more to be, more to love and more to lose… and every tiny bit…
You use.
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