Pouring Out what has been Poured In

September 6th:

I began this post on September 3rd, in the morning, before church. Obviously, I didn't have enough time to finish it. I have been trying to work on it for days and have yet to finish it. My list is extensive, and I keep thinking of more people to add to it. I am posting this unedited and incomplete post (as much as my OCD seriously hates doing) as a post that I will continue to update. I am not waiting to post until it is perfect because I feel like the next step for me in order to survive IS to offer thanks. Let me explain: My soul has been brought too low the past few days, probably as a result of physical exhaustion from the marathon we've been running in regard to actual daily activities. I find myself here with family on a short few day vacation, but I am completely unable to enjoy anything because of how sorrowful I am inside. I am mustering all the strength I have to enjoy watching Eli and his cousins play, but all I want to do is sit and stare into the distance, cry some, think, and just sit with my feelings of pain.


So I need to post this out of obedience. When I originally began this post, I was overflowing inside with the 'feeling' of how many people around me were loving me and pouring into me. I was 'feeling' strengthened by their support and the reality that God was with me every.second.of.the.way. Their outpouring was just one tangible example of His presence. Those people are STILL here. They have not left, but despite their pouring into me, my pain is overshadowing my 'feelings' right now. I will listen to my pain and learn from it, but I won't let it lie to me. So I want to thank God for how He has comforted me and sustained me through these His people. Even though I haven't finished putting it all into written form, it has been prayed in my heart, and He has heard it. This is just a testament. So I post it now because it is true, even when I don't feel uplifted. I will remind myself of the truth. I will wait in faith with the current feelings until they change. By His grace, I will wait however long that may be.

Original Post- September 3rd:

I came home from a long day of being out at a wedding yesterday, and I was exhausted. I am sure that contributing to my exhaustion was the emotional energy that I had to expend being at this wedding while not carrying my baby in my stomach as I had imagined I would since July 10th, when I found out I was pregnant. I had originally bought a dress a little larger, with room for my bump that I was sure to grow and my enlarging body that was becoming stronger and healthier to carry my child. I couldn't wear that dress yesterday, however. It was way too big. My body was small again. I had no child to be growing and nurturing.

I could not help but think, however, after I got home from the wedding, that although I did not get to go with my child in my stomach, I DID get to go with so many people that loved me. I was holding multiple ''photo booth'' pictures in my hands. They were crazy pictures that I had the privilege of taking with my husband, my child, my nephew, and 2 of my sister-in-laws. My sister-in-laws sought me out to take pictures with them. They love me. They have been seeking me out from the day I started dating Jesse, when they too were only dating their husbands. These women have been loving me even when I was too shy and self-conscious to appear even slightly interested in love.

Then, this morning, my devotion began with asking me a question: "What has been like water from the well of Bethlehem to you recently? love, friendship, spiritual blessing? Then at the peril of your own soul, you take it to satisfy yourself...." The devotion went on to challenge us to offer back that which nourishes us. And as I read it, I could not help but begin thanking God, as I was doing last night when I got home, for what He HAS given me. He has given me SO MANY PEOPLE that love me so much. So here is a list of a few people who have been carrying me through and how thankful I am for them... This list is in no particular order. I just wrote a long list in my physical journal, and I'm transferring it here.

1. My sister-in-laws: Cheryl, Liz, and Liana. I honestly cannot imagine being part of the "Eng" family without you women. You literally have become my bestfriends! Yes, even you Liana although we barely see each other and don't get to talk that often. Cheryl, Liz, you two have truly loved me and shown me what unconditional Christ-like love is. You have forgiven me for times I hurt you. You have been patient with me. You have called out, gently, sin in me while at the very same time assuring me that even though you were hurt or made uncomfortable by the sin, you loved me SO DEEPLY and appreciated SO MANY THINGS about me. You have been patient with me as I have been slow to respond at friendship sometimes. You have accepted me and appreciated me for who I am to the core, and in doing so, you have really helped me love, appreciate, and accept myself. You have shown me how I am beautiful in ways that I never thought were beautiful. You have given me strength, confidence, courage, and you have given me insight on how to be a wife. Liana, every time we spend ANY time with each other, I leave thinking "Mannnnnnnn, I really wish Liana and I lived close to each other." I don't know why, but I just feel a kindred connection to you. Perhaps it is because you are bold and outspoken, more than most women around me. You make me feel so normal instead of how I normally feel, (very self-aware and self conscious). You speak TRUTH to me, honest truth, but in a way that is not condescending. You help me feel on the same exact plane as you and other women even though my tendency is to feel inferior. You don't waste time with small talk when we do see each other. You dive right in to the important stuff in our lives. You are honest about your life. You make me feel loved, and you offer to me the hand of honest, authentic friendship. You are transparent, and you normalize my own insecurities. Thank you.

2. Buffie: You have been surely like water to a thirsty soul recently. You share of your experience, yet I do not feel threatened anymore when I listen to you share. I don't feel as if you are telling me that what you have experienced is EXACTLY what I WILL OR SHOULD experience. Rather, I feel your sincere desire to share your own experiences in hopes that in some way, I will not feel alone, that I will not feel odd, that I will feel normal and have hope that whatever pain and confusion I am in is NOT the end. You lift me up in prayer. You validate my emotions. You understand more than any other person when I tell how I feel about a situation because you lived as my comrade in our home growing up. Even when we did not feel like we were on the same team as we survived our childhoods, we were, and God knew that. And He knew that one day, in His time, He would help us to realize that we've been on the same team all along. You have been an unexpected source of strength, delight, and sincere friendship. I cannot thank God enough for His work in your life, in my life, and in finally drawing us together to walk this path as sisters and best friends.

3. Mom: You selflessly took more time off work to stay here with me when you obviously needed the money. You told me from day 1 that you didn't know how to help but that you were willing to do ANYthing I needed and EVERYTHING I needed. And you did. Your presence, your willingness to LISTEN and your willingness to share details of your own story encouraged me. Your patience when I was moody and angry humbled me and showed me unconditional love. Your respect of my particular way of doing things around my apartment made me feel respected and honored and understood. You leaving was in no way enjoyable. I would gladly have experienced more days cramped in our apartment if it meant I had you around to go through each moment daily with me. You were an unexpected source of strength and wisdom. Even though I KNEW you were hurting and dealing with your own pains and crisis of faith because of the struggles in your life, you were a complete rock. And you gave me sound theology when I had questions. You reminded me of things I'd said to you before. And you made me laugh so much just by being yourself. I can't imagine having to have gone through all of this so far without you. You also were patient and embraced my husband. You talked to him respectfully and offered insight in a non threatening way. And you made my child SO HAPPY. You were his best playmate, his "Ma," and did everything with him. You delighted in him and was his companion when I just needed to sleep or cry.

4. Dad: You came through with solid answers. You shared perspective on life that I have literally NEVER heard you share before. And you put me first, completely, not concerning yourself with what needs or desires you had, or what anxieties you wanted quenched. You called countless times, but didn't demand to talk to me. You let me rest and sleep while Jesse gave you updates. You paid my outrageous hospital bill when I was too in shock to grapple with the idea that I had to dish out such a tremendous amount of money just to have them remove my dead child from me. You did not get angry at having to pay the amount. You just paid it. It cost more to have a miscarriage than it did to give birth to Eli and stay a week in the hospital recovering after I gave birth. I could not fathom that. You bought me maternity clothes, and you didn't ask for the money back even though I now have maternity clothes that I can't wear yet. You've put me first, before your own pain or emotions or frustrations. And you've written me kind words, said kind words, offered encouragement to my hurting soul. And you've shared with me a million funny Franklin and Ellis stories to warm my heart, and even a few funny Mom stories as well. You have been a rock for me during this time as well, and I can't imagine having gone through this without you.

5. Mom and Dad Eng: Your spiritual wisdom is without compare. You have let me know that you are comrades with me. You never make me feel 'less than.' You present a level-playing field even though I know I have so many things yet to learn from you. You have watched Eli for us countless times, and you have gone out of your way to bring him home simply so I did not have to drive to get him in the awful traffic and then hunt a parking space when I came back home. You have provided food for our family so that I have literally had not to cook anything for my child in weeks. And you have shouldered 90% at the very LEAST of all the burden in this long, exhausting apartment hunt and application process. You have inconvenienced your life to bring convenience to ours. What's more, you have accepted me as your daughter, not just your daughter-in-law. You have countless times let me know that I am as much supported in your heart and mind as Jesse. You have made me, one of the most insecure and self-conscious people I know, feel safe and at home with you. You have given us full reign of your house for countless parties for Eli as well as for me. You have given us time, money, so much money, and you have not demanded in return. You have graciously accepted the very little ways in which we offer repayment to you. And mostly, you have prayed for us. Oh how much you have prayed for us. Who knows how much of our daily provision is a consequence of your prayers.

6. Bryant: You have offered me ridiculous text messages to make me laugh. You have called to check on me, and even when I haven't returned the calls, you have been kind and gracious. You have sent your love. You have sent me crazy pictures of my old things you've found while cleaning out. You have made jokes about my crazy 8th grade self and made me laugh, hard belly laughs from inside. You have been a sense of normalcy through this experience. I am so thankful for you. I love you so very much, and I love when you pursue our relationship, even when it is by sending me a picture of my 8th grade locker mirror that had "I love A.D." plastered all over it. Oh yes, that was a very long phase. That poor, poor boy. The grief I probably caused him by my young, tween, obsession with him. By God's grace, he endured!

7. Titus: You have been a welcomed presence in my life again. You have not complained at what must come across as my incessant bothering of you through text, facebook, and email. Instead, you have offered me your incredible sense of witty humor and friendship that I always cherished and loved. You have offered me chances to laugh at myself, or how I think about things, or just share ridiculousness with you that has been a blessing. It has reminded me of how many years you were that presence in my life that was like water to my soul. You always made me feel appreciated for my unique quirkiness, and I have enjoyed rekindling how we have similar senses of humor and outlooks on things. You have offered prayers for me and opportunities for me to connect to other women who have gone through similar experiences as me. And you have not complained when I have drained your poor iphone battery I am sure with my long emails and text messages. You have not once kindly asked me to quit bothering you although I cannot imagine how I haven't been at least a LITTLE annoying as of recent. You have also talked about clothes with me. I just like to talk about clothes. That's it. And not a lot of people will actually have any type of serious conversation with me about something that most people consider so trivial. You have appreciated my sons bowties probably more than anyone else, and that has just brought a smile to my heart. Regardless of the business and complications of your own life, you have allowed me to literally throw myself back into your life after being out of touch for so long, and you have not demonstrated one ounce of annoyance although my own insecure soul has told me countless times to stop bothering the poor man who has much more on his plate than can handle my relentless, pointless blather.

8. Jenn: From day one, you handled logistics for me. You told people what was going on when I couldn't tell the story. You stepped up and handled praise when I had to back out at the last second. You stepped into my pain even though you could not exactly understand it from your own personal experience. That did not hinder you one bit from throwing yourself into the mode of normalizing my grief and reminding me that it was okay to be  needy. You didn't need me to give any explanation for why I couldn't follow through on commitments or why I felt how I felt. You just said "it's okay. We can handle it." You checked in on me multiple times. You responded to ridiculously depressing texts messages that probably would have just made most people uncomfortable and very anxious about how to ''fix'' me. You offered to do whatever I needed, even offering to buy me cheetos or wine and come over and practically babysit me if needed. You came and helped me set up for Eli's birthday party when I was still in shock mode after finding out what happened. You helped make decisions about where to put birthday banners when my head was in such overload status that it had a hard time deciding whether to breath in or out. You offered to get balloons for the party the next morning, and you paid for them even though I (obviously mistakenly) told you they would be free, (I found the receipt. Kept meaning to pay you back. Sorry. I swear it was free last year)! Pretty much, you have just been everything I could have asked for. You didn't have a manual for how to help your friend through a miscarriage. All you did was pay attention to what I said and respond lovingly and empathetically. I hope I can be half as good of a friend to you at least in your times of need....

9. Feng Yi: What can I say? You have become my newest best friend forever! I legit can't imagine how I would have gotten through the past 6 months without you, even before the loss of this baby! You have stepped into my life like a breath of fresh air, and you have brought with you a host of experience from which I can learn and draw for strength and wisdom. You help me feel NORMAL. You share so freely of your life as a wife, a daughter, a mother. You are generous, SO GENEROUS, with everything you have, even down to your time. You have been so integral in the past year to the replant process. You have really been one of our biggest cheerleaders during a time when I thought we were surely about to be obliterated and fall ridiculously short. Your life has been an open book to me. You have listened to my own stories without judgment. I have found such comradery in our friendship, and, to be honest, you are just FUN to be around! Who doesn't have a great time when Feng Yi is around?? Thank you for making me laugh, for checking in on me, for accepting me as I am, and for just walking along side us in life and ministry. It is obvious that your motivation comes from your love of God Himself. I never feel like you are asking for us to help you or provide for you, even though we wouldn't mind! While I pray our church ministers to you and your family, you just minister to me! Thank you!

10. Jesse
11. Women at GFC
12. Men at GFC
13. Evan
14. Gary
15. David
16. Nicole
17. Becky
18. Christen and Libby
19. Sabrina
20. High School Friends (Allie, Lizzy, Dana, Steph)
21. Church Board
22. Cynthia and Stephen Mak
23. Erica "Ng"
24. WCS and CWS