A Personal Psalm of Grief During Tragedy

What do you do when you’re sad…. and there is no where else to go... I can’t escape the pain I feel. I busied myself today, but then by the end of the day, I was out of things to do, out of energy to do them… it is all without meaning…. all simply void. all that is is the emotion, long and smooth and full. sometimes it’s like a sound, so loud that my ears hurt, and I wonder how I will listen to another second without my head exploding. i have to stop and breath, very purposefully, very slowly. it doesn't matter how much i purge my apartment, the emotion never leaves, and it greets me at the end of the day, with a smirk, as I have just vainly spent the hours working to forget it yet it has not left my present once. i don't know where to go from it. and i dont want to sit with it any longer. how long will i sit?

I feel like a cancer patient making 3 thousand origami cranes, with the one last hope of watching them tumble off the top of a tall building once completed. everything i construct around me is a paper crane… and at the end of the day, i throw it off the building, and for a brief moment, it is good, and i it flies, but then it is over, and i’m left standing there like the patient, crane-less and cancer-filled still.

it is so intense that i don't feel god. so intense that i forget what i had faith in before. and im ashamed that i’ve been so weak as to forget the god i believe in. and then im truly alone, once i think upon this, because i think of god having left me out of disappointment that once again, i forgot my faith and just sat down on the couch and let the emotion swell in. but that’s just the problem, i never gave the emotion permission. if there is one thing i cant control, it is certainly the painful emotions crashing into me like waves because of one thing that has been an ever constant  fact in my life: that is, the people i love and who were the first people i met and the first to love me are people who are lost, hurting, beaten,  and bruised, battered, lonely, misguided, and flailing in the wind without any anchor to safety. i cant save them. i won’t join them, and i can’t bear the thought of them dying without hope or giving up because they’re tired of looking for it.

but this couch and this pain, and this existence of constantly creating cranes, cranes to block out of the noisy pain, cranes that soak up and then are eradicated by my flooding tears of hurt, this existence of cranes is surely getting me nowhere and ridding me of nothing i hate…