Sad Things
I promise to follow later with a post about the funny story from weeks ago or the long list of quotes/episodes that have happened since my recent arrival in Georgia. Either post will be cheery and nice. But this morning, I'm listing out a few things that have made my eyes fill with tears this morning and made my time with God sorrowful, repentant, and humble.
- A girl who was a music major at Mercer, a girl who was beautiful by the standards of mainstream culture to a tee, a girl with a fashion sense that left me envying and wanting to be her, a girl with the voice of an angel... yet a powerful voice, a girl only 27 years old, died Sunday night because a man who had a warrant out for his arrest for a DWI and who was 99.9% chance intoxicated that evening, drove his pickup truck the WRONG way down a highway. The young woman was taken away from the scene in a body bag and pronounced dead at the hospital. As Whitney put it perfectly, 27-year-olds are not supposed to die. I can't imagine all the great things that 'could' have happened in her future. But obviously our Sovereign God allowed her death at a time that seems so untimely to us. I can't imagine the grief of all those close to each other.
-Two other people I know (one of whom I know really well) are going through a lot of pain right now, and I'm pretty sure that my sin had a big roll in creating their pain... or least precipitating it. I know this because one of them told me so, and also because it's just VERY obvious.
-Last night my dad cursed at me and belittled me, making me feel like a childish idiot, before storming out of the house and refusing to talk to us. The reason for this? Because I stood up to him and voiced that my opinion and simple choice about a really ridiculous event was completely valid and not necessarily WRONG. I left a car at the airport for him. His flight was delayed and he ended up NOT flying into that airport. And then he was mad that I left it there (although beforehand, he did not MIND that it was left there). That was WRONG of me. I didn't 'stick to the plan.' Seriously? It was a ridiculous thing for him to get so upset over. Nonetheless, his actions reminded me of the emotional abuse I endured so much as a child where my feelings and opinions were wrong and stupid unless they lined up with his... which, by the way, were unpredictable. I had two choices last night. Appease him, admit that I was terribly wrong and falling short of being worthy to be called a human being ... such a choice would have left him happy and me feeling what I felt all during childhood. OR I could voice the truth that he was being unreasonable. I would GET the car but I had NOT done anything wrong or warranting such disapproval from him...
I chose the latter, which completely pissed him off. Who knows when he'll come back around. Usually when this happens, you just have to wait until he's not mad anymore. Then he'll act like everything is fine, and nothing will be spoken about. If you then try to bring up the argument, he will say "It's a new day. Let's not discuss it." Such episodes make me never want to have children. What if I end up being just as selfish and cruel and unable to humble myself? I rather stick to animals. They are harder to emotionally scar. And this guy IS my father. What if I am completely like him? Indeed I have been told by my sister, mom, and brother countless times (albeit usually when THEY were angry), that I am just like him. I bet I am. And I bet that's why I did something so stupid as to leave a car at an airport where he left it rather than pick it up, drive it home, and then drive it back. I thought I was saving him gas. Apparently I was just being a selfish, lazy, idiot...
You see regardless what I 'know' to be truth in my head, he's my dad...he's the one that as a daughter I naturally look to to show the way and set an example. So that gives him the incredible ability to make me know that I am a loser, a person who should be ashamed. And even when my head tells me it's irrational, his actions tell me it's not, and my heart believes him instead.
- A girl who was a music major at Mercer, a girl who was beautiful by the standards of mainstream culture to a tee, a girl with a fashion sense that left me envying and wanting to be her, a girl with the voice of an angel... yet a powerful voice, a girl only 27 years old, died Sunday night because a man who had a warrant out for his arrest for a DWI and who was 99.9% chance intoxicated that evening, drove his pickup truck the WRONG way down a highway. The young woman was taken away from the scene in a body bag and pronounced dead at the hospital. As Whitney put it perfectly, 27-year-olds are not supposed to die. I can't imagine all the great things that 'could' have happened in her future. But obviously our Sovereign God allowed her death at a time that seems so untimely to us. I can't imagine the grief of all those close to each other.
-Two other people I know (one of whom I know really well) are going through a lot of pain right now, and I'm pretty sure that my sin had a big roll in creating their pain... or least precipitating it. I know this because one of them told me so, and also because it's just VERY obvious.
-Last night my dad cursed at me and belittled me, making me feel like a childish idiot, before storming out of the house and refusing to talk to us. The reason for this? Because I stood up to him and voiced that my opinion and simple choice about a really ridiculous event was completely valid and not necessarily WRONG. I left a car at the airport for him. His flight was delayed and he ended up NOT flying into that airport. And then he was mad that I left it there (although beforehand, he did not MIND that it was left there). That was WRONG of me. I didn't 'stick to the plan.' Seriously? It was a ridiculous thing for him to get so upset over. Nonetheless, his actions reminded me of the emotional abuse I endured so much as a child where my feelings and opinions were wrong and stupid unless they lined up with his... which, by the way, were unpredictable. I had two choices last night. Appease him, admit that I was terribly wrong and falling short of being worthy to be called a human being ... such a choice would have left him happy and me feeling what I felt all during childhood. OR I could voice the truth that he was being unreasonable. I would GET the car but I had NOT done anything wrong or warranting such disapproval from him...
I chose the latter, which completely pissed him off. Who knows when he'll come back around. Usually when this happens, you just have to wait until he's not mad anymore. Then he'll act like everything is fine, and nothing will be spoken about. If you then try to bring up the argument, he will say "It's a new day. Let's not discuss it." Such episodes make me never want to have children. What if I end up being just as selfish and cruel and unable to humble myself? I rather stick to animals. They are harder to emotionally scar. And this guy IS my father. What if I am completely like him? Indeed I have been told by my sister, mom, and brother countless times (albeit usually when THEY were angry), that I am just like him. I bet I am. And I bet that's why I did something so stupid as to leave a car at an airport where he left it rather than pick it up, drive it home, and then drive it back. I thought I was saving him gas. Apparently I was just being a selfish, lazy, idiot...
You see regardless what I 'know' to be truth in my head, he's my dad...he's the one that as a daughter I naturally look to to show the way and set an example. So that gives him the incredible ability to make me know that I am a loser, a person who should be ashamed. And even when my head tells me it's irrational, his actions tell me it's not, and my heart believes him instead.
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