An Anniversary

I am brought to tears rereading my journal from around April 1^st last year. Tears? Good tears, tears of thankfulness to Jesus, tears of utter thankfulness that He has shown me Himself in such a way. Without all that pain, all the suffering, lost hope, fear, and doubt, He would not be glorified in the way He is nor would I truly know my Savior. I can’t believe I used to live a life where I did not know Him so intimately.

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3/28/07

I hurt God, so deeply. I have to believe you will work it out. I can’t pseudo believe, but it’s so HARD. John 11:41: Jesus says ‘thank you for hearing my prayers.’ Of course I believe God hears Jesus’ prayers…and…is not Jesus formed in me??!! “You have always heard me and answered me!” He says. And you tell me, “In that day ye shall ask in my name…” What day God?? Everyday? I ask?! You hear! You must. Your word is truth, but I don’t feel it. It hurts Lord. I cry to you. I am one with the Lord by the Holy Ghost. Oh to truly KNOW that and believe. Common sense is a gift to common nature like common grace. It shall only get me commonly far. Supernatural sense is for me, the daughter of God with particular and special grace to open my eyes. That thing I think You will not do is precisely the thing You will do! And…the thing I think You should do is precisely what You do not. I am common. Thou art above me. Things brings me to utter and complete dependence upon You while also producing utter pain that cuts deeper than I knew any thing could cut. Son of God, in me…oh that I would believe fully, and that I would then feel what that belief would have me to feel.

3/29/07

That which is our greatest cause for suffering, You, God, can use for our greatest strength! That which is our greatest weakness, you are ever so strong in. Your hands have formed me and made me. Psalm 119.

3/31/07

I did not write this day. I could not write this day. What you do not know about this day is that this is the day when, as God’s circumstance would have it, I realized that even the smallest ray of hope that God would restore to me what I had so greatly desired and so deeply loved was no longer existent. In short, I knew God’s answer. Even if I had known reasons for His answer, it would not have comforted my soul, my heart, my being that day. I grieved more deeply than I have ever grieved in my life…because in this hope I had found the healing to every past hurt I’d experienced in my life. That hope, however, was not from where God wanted the healing. I came, on March 29^th 2007, to an emotional and physical end. That night, I was drained of all strength.

4/1/07

It is Palm Sunday. Jesus walks to His Jerusalem. I walk to mine. I knew it was coming didn’t I? Now I deal with all the questions it poses to me. Does God love me, even when He says no? Even when He must hurt me, does He love me? Yes, He does; do I believe that?

John 12: What shall I say? Take me from this hour? No it is for this hour that I came. Father, glorify your name. ‘I have glorified it and will glorify it again.”

Luke 19: Jesus weeps over Jerusalem b/c they didn’t know what would bring them peace. I weep over that which doesn’t know me. But, this is God’s will. That which Jesus loved dearly enough to weep over, God had to destroy to save.

Mark 11, Matthew 21.

Yesterday was my personal burial, my grave. I even spilled a bottle of perfume this morning, not on purpose. Interesting how the parallel is formed. I was anointed before my burial as Jesus was anointed before His own.

Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it cannot produce many. Oh my God, are you giving me this cup so that I might truly believe this?! So that I might truly proclaim this?! It still hurts.

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Here I am a year later.

Is the hurt gone to never be remembered? No. I have tears as I remember the loss, the pain, the disappointment, the sin, the hurt.

Is the hurt worth it for how I know Jesus now? Yes.

Is the hurt worth it for the blessings God has blessed me with through the course of events which followed and were directly affected by the events of March 31^st and all that has preceded it? Through tears, I say confidently, Yes.

Is the present remaining hurt worth it if I could know Jesus more? Yes.

I have an old rugged cross to which I cling…and will someday exchange for a crown. If you find yourself with a cross today, keep going. There are very few who are actually given the opportunity to suffer with and then know Jesus Christ.

Did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing. Were not the right man on our side, the man of God’s own choosing.