A Dialogue with My Greatest Critic

 

Myself: Aren’t you embarrassed by all the stuff you share on social media?

Me: Sometimes. Kinda. A little. Not always. I guess.

Myself: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, I guess I am to the extent that everyone else is, actually, and not to the extent that perhaps the question you pose insinuates I should be.

Myself: I don’t get it. You just looked ridiculous. That’s embarrassing. You should hide behind the shower curtain. End of story. The.End.

Me: You’re right. It’s pretty bad. And I definitely do hide, multiple times a day or week, but I typically come out, and talk about what just happened, and then move on, to do it again or something like that.

Myself: To do it AGAIN? Wait, you UNDERSTAND just how silly you look? And the things that you share? So why do you do it? Holy freaking crap. Are you a glutton for punishment? You freaking sicko!

Me: Hold your horses. Calm down a second. Let me ask you a question, what else should I do?

Myself: Tailor your exposure. Craft your truth. You’d look better. Your kids would be less embarrassed! (Most certainly your husband!!) It would probably protect your ministry, lend you more credence; you’d be acting your age, at the least, we could say.

Me: Ohhh I see what you’re getting at. And Exactly…but no. I’d look better indeed, but it wouldn’t be reality. It most certainly would not be honest and true, and would further perpetuate a standard of existence that beckons humanity yet is ever elusive and leaves one constantly in the clutches of not being enough.  So ultimately, I would be doing a great disservice to anyone attempting integrated human existence and looking to me at all as someone who seeks to model what it means to be a disciple of Christ in this world in which we are living.

Myself: [Spitting out her coffee]. You’re trying to model Christ? Holy shit! You’re completely f**ing up. Are you kidding me here? Oh Em GEEEEEEEEEEEZ with this crap. Get out of here girl! You’re INSANE.

Me: Oh I know that. I see that. IT IS true. What’s you’re point exactly… about that?

Myself: HOW EMBARASSING?! To BE SO FAR OFF THE MARK! To be so badly broken. LIKE YOU ARE!

Me: Yes! I KNOW. That’s just IT. I feel I should share, to normalize it at least, so everyone else who is aware of themselves can feel a little better you see.

Myself: HUH?

Me: I’M IN GOOD COMPANY, MY FRIEND! Don’t you know that you’re crazy? That we all really are? That we are all more off the mark than we’ve ever probably fathomed? Yet also more loved!! The Scriptures have my back, in terms of the “saints” and apostles. Actually, then, I'm on par, or in the running, as I haven’t yet murdered the spouse of the person I’m having an affair with, or had an affair….just to be clear. But I’ve done some of the other things. For sure. Just scroll back through the timeline to….

Myself: [cutting me off] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. That’s what I’m talking about. JUST THAT! Why do you share that? I CERTAINLY don’t share that kind of crap. No one knows, if I’ve done it. It’s not out there. You know what people must think of you? Of your maturity level? Of how passive-aggressive you are? Of how ridiculously emotional? Of how off the cuff….

Me: Oh yeah. That question again. And yes, I thought I said yes.

Myself: So you DON’T care, you admit it!

Me: That’s just it. I care immensely, and not just for myself, but for EVERYONE, and it depends on the day, honestly. Today I’m okay and aware of the TRUTH. Feeling more stable. Freaking less out.

Myself: What truth do you mean? That apparently assuages your shame from the content of the meaningless, endless, incessant blather you bathe my screen with? I don’t get it? What are you talking about?

Me: I just mean I care, that this is our life today. Anyone out here, on social media, we’re all the same. We all care, and we all craft, just in different ways. Not one of us is less concerned than anyone else, we just display our truths in different ways, or hide our truths in different ways, and whether we are sharing or hiding, it is all in an attempt to be someone or something that we feel like is right in order to feel like we’re right, at the end of the day. So it’s all the same. We all want worth. We all want value. We all want credence. #thestruggleisreal.

Myself: Oh no, no, no no. Don’t say I’m like you. I would NEVER do some of these things, or say some of these things. I’m much better than that. Let’s be clear on that fact.

Me: Thank you. Exactly my point.

Myself: What?

You want to be clear on that point, that you would never do some of those things, or say some of those things. You are much beyond that, much more together, mature, solid, etc. You got it. And you need to be clear on that, so that others will know, and make sure they don’t associate you with the likes of someone like, say, me.

Myself: Right. Wait. Is this a trick question?

Me: No. It’s my point. That we’re exactly the same. In reality. You asked if I was embarrassed. And I said sometimes. But not always. Because this is how I see it. We’re the same.

Myself: No we’re not!

Me: Okay.

Myself: You agree?

Me: No.

Myself: You think I’m like you?

Me: Yes.

Myself: HOW IN THE WORLD??? I DON’T ACT LIKE YOU! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

Me: You’re doing it right now.

Myself: NO I AM! I’M NOT DOING IT! I MAY BE JUDGING YOU, BUT I’M NOT DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING! I’M NOT…..

Me: You’re not so overly concerned with what people think that you continue a conversation and tailor your words to make sure it is seen that you are not something else?

Myself: [staring blankly ahead. Blinking once…then twice……]

Me: IT’S OKAY. There is grace my friend. Be concerned. There is no shame. We all care. We were made to be known, for relationship. We are all attempting to some degree; we just deal in different ways, craft our appearances to look differently, find our merit in a different reputations, value different qualities of character to give us worth. But to be here, to exist in this realm, means we want to be known and want to know others, and in order to be known and know, we all have to care and to craft what is seen and is not. To deny that is to lie to ourselves. And if I’m honest, the only thing I would be really embarrassed about is to be known to be lying…. And that I’m not doing. I’m not lying to you. This is it. This is real.

Myself: This is real?

Me: Yup- this is real… all of this. The up and the down. The down and the out. The back and the forth.

Myself: Yeah, you know you look mental, honestly, to which is okay, if you are….

Me: Yes I agree- THANK YOU! And there is no shame, to be mental, whatever that means, to be real. We are here, an expression of God’s image, in a broken world, being sanctified….one step at a time… falling down and standing back up. God working out God’s work. All the while. The cracks in our clay, displaying God’s light.

Myself: Oh that God stuff again.

Me: Yup….it is real…. That’s what it’s all about.

Myself:  I don’t know about that God stuff… that’s another conversation.

Me: Yes and no. It’s a conversation for another time, but it’s not really another conversation. It’s life, and the living of it.

Myself: I just don’t know that I see God or this grace or mercy crap. This redemption. All that bullshit. So silly, to be frank. No one really lives that way. No one displays it, not on social media at least….except….

Me:  Except?

Myself: Oh….except maybe you.

Me: That might be the highest compliment I’ve ever had. Thanks friend.

Myself: Huh? Thanks?- wait… you’re saying your life reflects God and redemption?

Me: You just said that. Not me.

Myself: Well yeah. It reflects your God, and your redemption. Not most people’s. Most people don’t share this. Most people’s God requires MUCH more, much better.

Me: I know.

Myself: And honestly, I don’t know if I can believe YOUR God, and YOUR REDEMPTION.

Me: Why not?

Myself: It’s too good to be true. It means that’s even though you are so f**ked up, you are actually SO LOVED and WORTH SO MUCH. That doesn’t make sense. It means you have purpose, even in all the failure you put on display for all to see.

Me: Uhhuh

Myself: Well that breaks apart all my paradigms. It blows up my world. It imparts something new. It changes everything.

Me: Exactly, my friend. It does.

Myself: What?

Me: It changes everything. Forever. It’s glorious. It’s God… and honestly…. Once you’ve tasted, there really is no turning back…. No where else to go. It only makes sense to continue onward in this vein… flailing around, for all of life and eternity, being created and remade into the image of the Creator.

Myself: Okay I need to stop now. This is too much. It’s starting to make sense, or confuse me. I don’t know… either way, that scares me. I don’t understand that. I don’t like that.

Me: Yeah. I know what you mean. I don’t understand God either. And that freaking pisses me off and scares me sometimes. I want to understand. I want to be in control. So I know what you mean.

Myself: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! SHARING ALL THESE VULNERABLE FEELINGS!!!! YOU JUST SAID YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GOD YOU SERVE!!! HOLY CRAP YOU CAN’T SAY THAT…..HOW CAN YOU SAY…..

Me: This conversation could go on forever…

Myself: I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know how to stop. If we end poorly, how will that look? Oh wait, I’m not supposed to care right, that was my stance?

Me: Yes, it was, but remember I told you, you do care; we all do. And it’s okay. And I don’t know. I guess we look honest… conversing and then pausing… like in reality, unfinished, truth continuing…

Myself: It’s a little uncomfortable.

Me: I know.

Myself: So what do I do?

Me: Here…walk with me. We’ll figure it out.

Myself: We will?

Me: God will show us. God always shows us. Just watch. Just wait and see…

Myself: But everyone’s watching…

Me: I know. And it’s glorious. Amen.