On This, Your Birthday, Letter One
Written February 23rd, 2018
Before
I lost my baby, I was handling life pretty well. God had brought me to a
place where He’d opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I was moving and ministering
to others. But if I am honest, I was still diligently focused on my performance.
I had perspective on more of my past, but I didn’t have much perspective on my
current battles. So I took a lot of my energies daily and focused them on how I
was perceived: being understood, what others thought of me, my appearance,
making sure people knew I was working hard enough at church and doing my job
well, trying to have emotionally healthy relationships, but often because I
wanted to make sure my relationships were at peace because that in turn gave me
a feeling of security. I worked on planning and mapping out the future, and I
was doing okay, but it took so much energy. I was filling myself with tons of caffeine
just to get through the day and be able to ‘’do’’ everything I needed… so much
so that I could barely sleep at night. I would awake thinking about all these
things and how to keep it all in order. And I didn’t take time to pause and sit
with people or listen to God that much- to really engage. I just did my stuff
FOR people and FOR God and then felt “good” about myself. I also didn’t really
ask for help or readily accept it. And then… WHAM… my baby died…
….. and I couldn’t move…..
……
I couldn’t keep doing and doing. And I didn’t even care that I had to stop….
I just
stopped. I was so sad. So I just grieved. I stopped and mourned
and didn’t care who knew about just how utterly weak I was. That was it. I
couldn’t keep up the charade anymore…. There was no putting on a brave face in
the face of this loss….
As I came
out of that period of plain shock and paralyzing pain, I realized that I had
not really been living authentically and calling out to God in the months prior
to losing my baby. I was living off of my gifts, and they were taking me a good
ways… but they could only take me so far. They could take me through the day to
day of managing my family and keeping ministries ‘’afloat’’ and looking ‘’nice,’’
but my gifts couldn’t carry me through the death of a life growing inside of
me. So God…in His grace… allowed me the chance to see just how much living off
of myself really wouldn’t work…how it fell short- how much, even when it was
working, so to speak, it was producing nothing compared to what would be shaped
if I were to live off of Him and embrace my weaknesses and limits. He opened my
eyes. I had to embrace weakness. And as I did, He carried me and gave me
strength to get through each excruciating moment at a time. And the moments
were excruciating…and I couldn’t bear up for them in advance… I had to endure
one.at.a.time.
After that, as
I faced more common stressors again, like moving and ministry, or even caring
for Eli and dealing with extended family obligations, I just embraced my
neediness. I didn’t even try to go back into performing-on-gifts-mode again. I
was tired of overcompensating, and once again, God carried me through! But this
time, I was able to be relaxed and engage with people more. I was taking a lot
of time just to listen to others, be slow to speak, not need to be validated or
prove myself. God freed me of the task
of having to prove my worth or keep the ministry and my life working, of
needing to look well on the outside or have others think I was doing a good job.
He said “This has always been my job, Megin. And it always will be. Your job is
to rest in me. Embrace your neediness- sit with me. Be weak. You are a person.
All people are weak. When you and others refuse to admit your weakness, you all
come off as OCD, obsessive, rude, impatient, uncompromising, devoid of
compassion. That doesn’t reflect my character. Those are not traits of the
family of God. Be weak, Megin, and broadcast it. Tell others what I am teaching
you. I’m going to use your life as an example because your life is Mine. You
constantly tell me that you are surrendering your will and your life to Me.
Well, do it! I’ll take care of you. Have faith. But be an example of what it
means to depend on Me for daily bread. I want to draw others to me. You said
you wanted to be used, and this is how you can be of use… BE HONEST.
Be broken. Mean it when
you say that your worth is secure in Me and not in what people may think of
you. And then… tell them the truth about how you end up feeling in the end….”
The truth? Well, the truth is I feel weak, and I know my
neediness, and I’m quite aware of the many ways I am not meeting the standards
of the world…
….but…..
I feel peace.
I feel seen
by my Father!
I feel filled
with purpose.
I lack fear
because I know God is in control, and I know what God’s character is like and
how He feels about me!
I cry about
my pains, and I sense God’s comforts.
He shows me in both tangible and intangible ways.
I read the Bible, and it comes alive. It’s not
just dull words and legalistic ramblings. It is food for my soul.
I meet people
and I help them even though I am not trying to help them! I don’t have to plan
for it. There is no ‘’program.’’ It just happens, and I am thanked, and I am
the most surprised of all because I have done little but be present and honest.
You have
orchestrated it all. So then, I can’t be proud of it because I know it is Your work.
I see people
responding to God and meeting God.
I see the
suffering around me, but I am not numb to it. I AM overwhelmed by it, but I am overwhelmed in a way that doesn’t
paralyze me. Rather, I can move. I stop and pray for people, or I stop and
invite them into my home or give them my clothes and food… things I
couldn’t do before because I was afraid that I would need my own private space,
or time, or belongings.
I’m filled
with compassion and able to set aside my inclinations to protect and provide
for myself and store up for my future.
This is ALL
such a different way of living life… I feel enlarged
although I am not accumulating goods, property, prestige, wealth, or
reputation. Yet my life feels abundant, and my desires feel as if they are
being met and exceeded. And our relationship…OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! It just gets
deeper! And I’m amazed because I’m not attempting to make any of this happen!
It’s not happening because I’m
reading my bible more and drinking less alcohol and making sure I don’t say any
curse words. It’s not happening because I’m voting more conservatively or
trying to watch only Christian movies. This is all happening because I was
forced to identify with utter devastation... My
baby died, and I didn’t pretend because I couldn’t pretend. I didn’t
have enough strength to handle it ‘’well.” Instead, I fell apart, publicly- and
You saw me, in ashes, and You said, “Oh
my child, now this…this is honest,” and as I looked up at You, I
said “What? You want me to be broken? You
WANT this? I don’t understand!” And You responded,
“I want you to know who you are…and who
I AM….”
And then you
gave me beauty- a different kind of beauty- and I wrapped my arms around You
and cried “Oh God, don’t leave me! I can’t
do it! I can’t do it anymore. And now this! Oh God! Help me! Help me!”
And you said
“Shhh, I am here.”
And you held me close as I cried. And you rocked me. And you didn’t care how
long it took or how long I cried. You didn’t look at the clock. You sat with me,
Your child, Your creation. And in time, as the tears subsided, (and it did take
time), You wiped my eyes, and behold… I saw a new thing… a thing I’d forgotten.
I saw mercy. I saw grace. I saw Christ Jesus Himself, and the SECRET that this world is only
temporary. And I glimpsed where we are going…where You are taking us, and how
we’ll all get there, through the waters…with You. And the reality that You’ve
already secured this future and this place, it all rushed into my mind and
heart, and I rested my head on your shoulder and breathed out, and I was at peace….
…………………….
……………………………….I
was never meant to be God my life, to control it all, understand it
all, or prepare for every circumstance. I
was most certainly never meant to endure pain and suffering without crying out
in utter agony and letting others take care of me. I was never meant to
have all the answers or please all the people or gain all of the love from
people who are broken and constantly changing their standards of good. I
was never meant to make a way where there was no way or build my own righteousness
or sacrifice my son and not cry about it. I was never meant to be
something except who I am- a needy daughter of Eve, awaiting
glorification at the wedding feast of the Lamb and His church… a precious child
whom You treasure and intricately know and hold so securely as my head rests on
Your shoulder and my hearts beats in rhythm with Yours… and as we walk through
the waters and pass through the fire; as we are not consumed or burned… but at peace
hand-in-hand, me upheld, You doing all that I cannot and never was meant to do…
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