One to God and One to my Baby

I got lost. I’m being found, and the notebooks are proof…countless notebooks filled with everything streaming through my mind… I was reaching out, grasping, sputtering around. You were there. Listening. Taking me in, when no one else was. I’m being found. You’re finding me. You never lost me, but You’re showing me that, so I feel like You’re finding me. It has taken a while, but slowly, I’m feeling less cluttered inside. I sense more space. I’m not understanding everything… it’s not that everything is making sense. Rather, many things are being cast away and I no longer need them to make sense… it’s freeing.

Getting lost came on so deceivingly. I didn’t realize it was happening, and giving into it was simple. Too much, I needed a person’s life to work out in order for me to feel peace. I couldn’t handle their suffering. I loved them too much. I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t stand to lose the person while he remained alive. It was too much. So I had to do something to make that pain stop. The problem is that when a person tries to stop feeling pain in one way, she is likely to end up muting her sense of pain and feelings in countless other ways as well. We can’t callous one spot of our hearts. We have to callous the entire thing or nothing. And when we become calloused, we stop being who God created us to be because we can’t experience moments with people. We can’t have interaction. Rather, we work off some prescribed script of what we think a good person would do in any situation. But it’s all cold. All is mundane. Everything is devoid of richness. We don’t hurt from our initial pains, but instead we hurt because of how dull and empty we become, and then we hurt because of how our emptiness hurts others and destroys the goodness that God was working around us. Better to experience the goodness of God mingled with deep suffering than to experience nothing at all and be void of Him.

Too much I needed the best friend to stay the best friend, and approve of me, so I jumped through higher hoops and ran to meet further standards that I had no business trying to meet. I needed to let the friend go. Let go of what she thought of me… wade through the pain of that loss. Instead, I tried to fix it by being ‘better’ for her. I didn’t realize, until now, that I could never be enough for her. No one could.

I deceived myself. I thought I had more power than I do. I thought I actually possessed the power to accomplish great tasks, great feats, and live and lead in such a way that people would follow without question or pushback. I thought I could actually work hard enough and somehow achieve perfection. How foolish. I can’t achieve perfection. I just can’t. I have to accept that. And I have to realize that I have worth and value of immense depth that is not touched by how far from perfection I am.

Leading people will always include taking people to places that are not the easiest places to go to. Who were the greatest leaders that led me? Did they not do that? They did. And I was frustrated by it. I was confused by them. I was stuck in the place of loving them because of how much I adored and respected and appreciated them, yet at the same time being angry for what they were telling me I needed to do in order to grow and walk on higher plains. So why is it that I thought I could be a leader and always have people love me? I deceived myself thinking that I only wanted to lead so that God would be glorified. I wanted to make myself feel good. I wanted to feel good about myself because I didn’t like myself, so I used people’s affections and following to do that. Wretched. I see it now. I didn’t see it then. If they followed me, I felt good about myself. But biblical leaders are servant leaders. Biblical leaders are not heroes that sit upon thrones and feel happy. Biblical leaders lead often out of being forced into leadership by God. God tells people to lead, in the Bible, and they don’t want to. They say they are fearful and inadequate and that they want to do ANYTHING but lead, and God says, “Go and I will put my words in your mouth.” That is what a leader is. And strangely enough, now, when I don’t really want to lead anymore, I find God putting me in the circumstance where people are open to me leading them… and yet I don’t feel like I have much of anything to share… I only have what I get from Him each day. And I can’t work ahead… because I don’t have my daily bread until the day comes to be.

Thank You God that You have continued pressing down upon me. If I had not lost my child in August, he would be nearing his time to be born. I’d be preparing to give birth to him probably about the time I will now be preparing to move into the apartment. So obviously, all along, you knew that he wouldn’t be born. You knew you would take his life. I believe that. You knew he would perish inside of me. Some people won’t understand that this is what I believe, but I believe it. And they also won’t understand that I can believe this to be true and not doubt who You are or Your goodness. But I know that Your ways are so much more beyond what I can comprehend. I know that you utilize every ounce of pain in our lives to shape us and make us into the image of Christ. I know that You are preparing us for heaven… that our suffering now prepares us to be able to one day look into Your glory when we are in our glorified bodies in heaven. I really believe there will be a new heaven and a new earth that You have promised us, and that we will live with you. Some may call me mad, and perhaps I am, but I believe it because it is what You have told me. As well, I trust You because of how You have dealt with me, when I’ve cried out in my anguish, from the bottom of my soul and in deep agony… the way You have handled my suffering, when I’ve sinned and done things I am so deeply ashamed of… how You’ve forgiven me and never humiliated me even though I deserved it. I am aware of the kindness you show me through the love of others and the simple small things in life when I am in such pain over having lost people or companions I love. I have reflected back on how You preserved my life through countless years of abuse as a child and living in such a destructive environment. You literally plucked me up and took me out and planted me elsewhere, watered me and nourished me. You answered the cries of a little child’s heart. She had to endure a lot, a whole lot of agony and pain, but You helped her steadfastly last… she lived through it… and You then helped work her way through it and process it… and so here I am.

I wonder… I wonder about the future. I have doubts or fears, thoughts about what could be going on with my body or in our lives. Sometimes I get paranoid… but this I do know… that You are here… and You are working. I forgot that when I was lost. I forgot that You actually cared and loved me. I thought it was about me behaving better or becoming more godly. I listened to Satan’s lies and I let him beat me up with them. You were never waiting for me to clean myself up. You were just waiting for me to look up to You for help and stop trying to push all the pain and suffering away. You were just waiting for me to surrender to the fact that this is life… and this world is not our home… and look to our Father who has gone to prepare a place for us and who promises that He will never no never ever forsake us in this life… You have given me Your Spirit… and that Spirit draws me near to You and protects me and leads me in truth. You are waking me up again God, helping me see that my days are for You and that You are in them.

Dear Baby Boy who had to leave me last August, I wish you could be here today. I wish you were growing inside me still, in our final trimester, counting down the days. But I know that was never intended. And that your life grows and has meaning differently than your brother’s life. If you had not left, your father and I would not have been able to travel to the South to officiate the funeral for your Great-Grandmother Mary. We would not have been able to preach the gospel and sing praises to Him and share Mary’s testimony. I would not have been able to fly at this time if you were still growing in my tummy. And driving would not have been an option because of the time constraint. I’m so sorry you don’t ever get to play basketball or learn about Paw Patrol and sing the silly songs with your brother, but your not being here allowed us to do something that means more than words can express to so many of our extended family members. They say they could never thank us enough, and I believe they truly feel that way. To us, it doesn’t seem we did much, but to them, it meant the world. The comfort we could give them, their pain slightly assuaged- you let us do that. Your sacrifice of life on earth affords them that. And yet, just as it is so terribly sad that I can’t know you tangibly and hold you, it’s not really that you sacrificed… because I believe you are with God. I believe you understand more than I do. Some would also call me crazy for believing that, but I do. I wonder how we will know one another in heaven. God’s word tells me there is no marriage in heaven, so will I know your father just as my brother-in-Christ? I believe so. But will we spend our eternity near one another? Will you know me as your mother? I’m not sure. But I know that whatever it is, it will be all I desire then. If I desire it in heaven, I’ll have it. I will be satisfied. And the pain of this world won’t be forgotten, but will be REDEEMED. It will be made right. What is jagged then will be smooth. So I guess somehow I will know you? I know you are safe. I know you are warm. But I miss you. 31 weeks. You would be 31 weeks. I would be big. I wouldn’t be wearing this shirt, that’s for sure 😊. You would be snug. Eli would snuggle on my belly and lay his head where your feet kick. He’d pat you, pat my belly, love feeling you. Oh, and do you like your name? I’ve given you your name, although Daddy and I haven’t told others about it. But it has such deep meaning. Fruitful Life… because that’s what your life will always be…fruitful. At Christmas, I found a jewelry box, 75% off, (so Daddy let me buy it- only $6!), and I had your name engraved on the top of it. It’s blue and gold, and your name is so beautiful written there. I see it every day and think of you. I wish I had had more time to talk to you while you were alive in me. I hope you hear my prayers now. I don’t know how all that works, but I’d like to think I can talk to you. Daddy also bought me a necklace to remember you by. It is beautiful, but the truth is, I don’t need anything to remember you by… I think about you all the time. And I hope I always will… because you have purpose, such purpose. Things in life don’t just happen. They are all purposeful, even the confusing and painful things. We can either use that fact to give us an excuse to leave God or make up our minds that He must be cruel, or we can use that fact to propel us deeper to say, “If this is, my God, then answer me as You answered Job. Show me Yourself as You did to him so that he said he had heard of You but now saw You.” I choose the latter. I choose to go deeper than I could ever imagine or ponder. All the pain, all the sadness, all the unanswered questions, may they be fuel driving me more and more into Him. Your life means so much. Your life will be one thing that keeps me following God for the rest of my life… Your death makes me more likely to remain faithful to my Father. In the pain, I say, “Okay God, if You must, but then show me Yourself,” and he answers… This is an uphill push… but let us go on together… I will think of myself holding your hand, walking with you my dear… 

...I love you. Mommy.