Pressing In... and being Honest about it...
Introduction:
I wrote this yesterday and intended to post it, but then Eli awoke from
his nap, and I got distracted. Later in the day, I came back to proof it, and
while rereading it, I decided against posting it because it was too raw and
honest. I decided not to expose that much. In the morning light, however, I am
feeling that I should post this…because it’s the truth… and too much of the
world is filled with lies and people scared to be honest because of the lies.
And maybe if we are all more honest with each other, even though it’s scary, we
can stand up against the lies… we can shut them down, no longer being bullied
by their shame-inducing standards and accusations. And at the very least, I
think I should post this because I know that when others are honest, sharing
their absolute weaknesses with me, I am encouraged… because I realize that we
really are ALL in this together… and we really are meant ALL to reach out and
help one another… No one has ‘’arrived.’’ We are all still in the process of
getting there… So here’s to hoping our hands can grasp. As well, the good news
is that it is a new day, and I endured yesterday… and my feelings… and God gave
me grace and reminded me of His promises…. And of Jesus. So it became well with
my soul… and now we will do it again.
October 10, 2017:
I sat down and thought about what I was supposed to do next. I looked
down at my list. “Oh, I can’t do anything on this list until Eli wakes up or
until tomorrow morning. I guess I could sit and just think. I have about an
hour left on Eli’s nap. But I need to send that email. I suppose I can send it
on the plane... I really thought I had more I had to do right now, but I DO
feel really exhausted. Is it that I don’t want to stop? Don’t want to sit? Oh.
That’s right. I DON’T WANT to stop… subconsciously I don’t. Because if I sit
without numbing myself through TV or something, then I’m going to feel.”
Sometimes I think we fill up our time because we don’t want to face
reality. Instead, we pursue a great many creative tasks that promise happiness
and provide the momentary satisfaction. But at the end of the day, these tasks
are meaningless… because their meaning fades. It doesn’t fill. It doesn’t
reproduce. We have memories, but memories can’t FIX our pains and aches.
Memories can’t SOLVE the problems that weigh on our minds.
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| stay-at-home-mom days... |
When I first realized my baby died, everything "fell"
suddenly into perspective. Suddenly, concentrating on what was really
important, resting, waiting, letting the random tasks that I typically
worriedly fill my day with pass by, ALLL became as simple and natural as
breathing. It was almost freeing, which then left me working through how I
could feel more free although I had miscarried my baby and sunk in grief. What
was this strange dichotomy?
But as the days steadily amble, if we indeed survive them thick with
shock and sharp, biting pain, eventually the pain becomes a dull ache. It
remains heavy. It possesses volume; yet, it is not as loud. It depresses. It
can debilitate, but it does not command one’s attention and drown out the rest
of the world as it once did. However, it is when I’m drowning that I call out
to God. If I’m not drowning, I seem to find ‘’things’’ to distract myself. In
the layers of sorrow, stinging as blade, I sit with God easily. When the pain
dulls, more like the gradually increasing smack of a hammer to the head, I have
room for the other trappings of life, and I begin to feel like I can do
something ABOUT them. As I fumble in futility, they become stressors. In
reality, I can do nothing with them, for them. I can’t really solve problems
and resolve situations. But I forget that. So I begin, and I forget to seek God
because I think of schematic plans that promise constancy, purposefulness, and
decision. Plans pregnant with comfort and hush, thrill and happiness. I strive.
I struggle. Spinning and pushing and working. I’ve the charge to change my
world, and before I know it, I am burdened beyond bearing… on top of my dull
ache, exhausted. Reality forces its way into sight. I can’t accomplish all that
my will desires. And instead of immediately recalling “Wait, I am unable to do
THIS because THIS is God’s responsibility! I’m supposed to seek Him! Trust in
Him. Rest in Him,’’ instead of immediately recalling all of THAT, I try to calm
my nerves and anxiety and disappointment at not having accomplished what I
would have liked to have accomplished. Yet I still need to work. And I’m tired,
so then I’m giving into temptation everywhere to try to prop myself up. I’m
seeking stamina and exuberance and peace, but I’m not looking to God at each
second anymore… and thus has begun this wretched cycle of which I am well acquainted.
So I stop now. I stop today. What’s going on in me? I’m still sad God.
I wonder if I’ll ever get pregnant again. I jump ahead and fear I won’t be able
to have more children. I’m sad, so deeply sad about that. I think about how I
was so excited in July and early August when I thought about going to Georgia
for the birth of my niece while being pregnant myself! I think about how I
wanted to talk to my sister’s doctor, (who
I have come to know through the years), and introduce him to Eli and tell
him that I was pregnant! (He was very
impressed with me back in 2007 when I braved my sister’s C-section like a
champ. I surprised him with my passion about what was going on, not being
bothered by seeing the surgery, and then breaking down in awe when Franklin
arrived).
I fear. I fear You’ll leave me. I fear I’ll feel all these things, all
this sadness, but You won’t show up. I fear I won’t be able to handle the
sadness, the pain. I fear I’ll end up turning to sin, and then I’ll be filled
with self-contempt and shame. I just want to know You more God, but it’s so
hard. It’s so hard just to live life sometimes. And this dull ache, it presses
into me…
I fear the future, the future of the replant. I wonder what will
happen. Will we be able to attempt this? I feel so called to it, but I am not
sure if people will agree to stand behind it because it does ask for them to
take such risks with their faith, their finances… and it requires a lot of
change. I believe desperately that it NEEDS to happen and that you want it to
happen… but I guess I just expect the bottom to fall out… like it did when I
lost the baby. I was so excited. We hadn’t even tried very long to get pregnant
again. I was all prepared for the long haul since it took so long to get
pregnant with Eli, but this time, WHAM, I was pregnant. Jesse and I were shocked!
And then … just like that … it was gone. It is gone. And I still feel guilt. I
wasn’t as excited as I should have been when I first found out I was pregnant.
I worried about things. I stressed. I stressed about things that were not
really all that important. Satan whispers, “You lost your baby because you didn’t
want him enough. God let this happen to you because you are so dirty and
sinful.” I fight not to believe Satan, but sometimes it takes so much strength
to stand up against His lies. You know what that is like. Jesus, you experienced
his manipulation when you were in the flesh on Earth. Help me endure. Help me
stand strong and believe truth in my head AND heart. Help my feelings, Jesus,
please help my feelings. I HATE having to walk in obedience when my feelings
scream doubts and pain and sadness at me.
I worry about my marriage. I worry that our relationship is sometimes
more about ministry than it is about us. I worry that our emotions are centered
around ministry, and that without ministry, we don’t know what to do with each
other. I don’t know how to change that. I want more. I don’t know how to get
it.
Oh God, I guess the truth is, I find so much for my hands to do because
deep inside, I have all this that I don’t want to engage. So I pour out my
heart to you. Like Jehosophat, I feel powerless against all of this. I don’t
know what to do, but my eyes are toward you. Will You be here for me? I wait
for You. I will wait upon the Lord. He will indeed answer me, and change me,
and direct me… in His time…. In His time…
So I sit… and I rest… and I wait…
Psalm 4
Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
2 O men,[a] how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah
3 But know that the Lord has set
apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.
4 Be angry,[b] and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.Selah
5 Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.
6 There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
7 You have
put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.
8 In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
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