Prayer

Father, it’s my 32^nd birthday. In people years, that is old, but more than ever, I feel like a child before you, with so much to learn… so much I don’t understand…. So many ways I am just like a toddler or even a new born, or a child perpetually stuck in a phase of pitching tantrums because she doesn’t get her way. Yet, I do want to follow you. I want to be like you told Peter he would be. You told him that people would lead him where he did not want to go one day. I don’t look forward to going where I don’t want to go. That scares me. I don’t want to be uncomfortable, and I fear that I have ‘good’ desires like children or comfort or my family’s health that won’t be given. But I want to yield to you because I know no other way to live. There is no one else who has the words of life. I know you are true. I often struggle with lies from Satan telling me about you being good, but not to me b/c I don’t deserve it. I have to combat that with preaching the gospel of grace to myself over and over. I know my soul is safe with you. I struggle relinquishing control of my outward limbs and life to you. I confess that I do all I can so often to control my feelings- meaning to numb having to feel them. I do this in countless ways that not only do not fix the situation in the longterm but immediately steal times for your glory to be shown and, often, sin against your holy laws and who you have called me to be as a new creation living a life of ‘faith,’ walking by trust and not sight. So I want to follow. I want to go, where you lead. I offer that desire to you today even though I am scared. I wish I could rid myself about the doubts I have regarding your character toward me. I am so deeply sorry that I don’t believe you so often and that I doubt you. I really am. You do not deserve to be doubted. I am frail. I am so sorry. I want to believe more. I want to. I am like that man. I want you to help my unbelief. Please Jesus. But I unite myself to you today, on this 32^nd anniversary of me being born. You were there that day. You knew what each year was going to look like up until I was 32… that is too much for me to comprehend. I just think of Psalm 131 over and over… I have quieted my soul and sit before you. I don’t know what will be, but I don’t want to try to control anything anymore…. I just want you to do what it is you want to do. Do whatever you like with me.