Healing Hindsight
I started keeping regular journals during college. I became much more faithful with writing during seminary, yet the journals from 2001 to early 2005 are still frequent enough to display a sense of where I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, vocationally, etc. I never would have imagined when I began journaling JUST how much of an impact keeping them would have on me later in life. I often go back to previous years, rereading my entries, and I am further convinced of the cliche saying that 'hindsight is 20/20.'
Usually I keep revelations found from reading past years' of journals to myself. Occasionally I'll share them with Jesse or someone. I never quite find myself satisfied with the reaction of the person I share with, however. Others never seem to be JUST as in awe or as flabbergasted as I am regarding what I am finding or learning. I suppose that makes sense though.
The other night, I reread a journal that cataloged November 2007 till March 2008 as I was laying in bed waiting to fall asleep. Then, just this morning, I reread a journal from the period of February 2011 through April 2011. I thought I'd share some of the things I realized. Perhaps it will encourage you to journal if you don't already do so- who knows....
I can CLEARLY see that during the months of November to March of 2007-2008, I was in a very open position to be targeted by Satan as a person he'd like to dissuade from maintaining her, at the time, very deep and blossoming relationship with Jesus. I had just accepted the job in NYC. I was strongly convinced of the fact that it was God's will and leading, so strongly that I left, while sobbing hysterically, little Franklin and drove away to NYC. (My family and I rewatched the video from that day in 2007 a few months back. Everyone was amazed at just how grieved I was. They hadn't remembered it. Dad couldn't even watch the home video. It upset him too much. It remains, to this day, one of the hardest things I've ever done. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was leaving MY OWN child. He felt like mine for many reasons, and my already fragile emotional state made it even more difficult). Anyway, during this time, I was in NYC, pretty much alone in the sense that there was no one within 300 miles who had known me more than 2 years, and no one within 1000 who had known me before the Fall of 2005. I had two friends in NYC. One was an ex boyfriend who had broken my heart. Ha! Not promising.
Now I KNEW at the time that God was providing for me immensely. He provided a home, comfort through a new pet, a Redeemer small group through a connection with someone I went to college with at Mercer. Many things 'fell' into place. But it was still pretty hard, and I was only 24. And despite what some may know, moving to NY after living 23 years in the suburbs of Georgia and only 2 in the suburbs of Massachusetts, is a BIG culture shock....in so many ways. I will go to BAT with you over the right to call it 'cross-cultural' ministry in more than one way!
Yet, God had BIG plans...I mean, look at how much has changed in these years- good changes. I reread the struggles, problems, decisions needing to be made from back then. I reread my reasonings, logic, decision-making ventures, doubts, etc, and I see obviously what God was answering me in all my questions I asked, but at the time it was NOT so clear. I can now see where my heart was obviously deceived, where something was obviously NOT a good idea- blatant sin I denied, but then it wasn't so clear. Later, I found myself hating myself for situations I was in, blaming myself, thinking it all my own fault and weakness if things did not turn out how I hoped, or if I found myself sad. But in hindsight, I can forgive myself and see the obstacles that Satan set in my path in hopes of completely crumbling me. And though at times I felt as if I barely survived, I DID survive, BECAUSE God loves me and takes care of me. He was there, even when I felt like He wasn't because I was too disgusting and unworthy.
When rereading the journal from 2011, I am able to see much more clearly just how depressed I was becoming daily. It is like reading the journal of a girl walking down a staircase into a dark and dreadful pit. There were so many things that, rightly so, would be crushing to me and hard to handle. I reached out to some people, trying to tell them how weak I was, but in hindsight I see that I did not reach out to the right people. The ones I tried to talk with were not that capable of understanding what I was saying or trying to say and probably, in general, not the best of counselors. The people I didn't reach out to because I didn't want to disappoint them were probably much more capable of actually helping me. I see how much I kept hidden, in hindsight, and how much I isolated. I isolated because I was breaking apart and felt like the only way to stay together was to remove myself more from the things that caused stress. But since the only community I had in NY was also connected to the things that were hurting me or stressing me, I ended up not only pulling away from hurtful situations or people but ALSO pulling away from those who loved me and could and wanted to help. I see so clearly how the things that I sought comfort in were so damaging to me, false senses of relief, and why I only seemed to spiral deeper. And I suppose as I reread the journal, I also was able to forgive myself more. Instead of just hating myself for mistakes I made or situations I ended up in, I was able to see the entire progression, have mercy and pity for myself (in a healthy way), and stop berating myself. (Perhaps you are seeing a common thread of self-contempt in my mental structures- if so, you are seeing correctly!)
In short summary, journaling is good for the soul. At the time of writing, the process can seem time-consuming, but I have found it to be a completely soothing and educational practice, if only retro-actively. Journal your life, people, and then reread your journals, even if you are afraid they will unearth painful memories. If you are a person who accepts accusation and condemnation from yourself ABOUT yourself, I bet you will glean a lot from analyzing past years of journals...I bet you will glean forgiveness...for yourself.
I look forward to rereading this...in a few years. :)
Usually I keep revelations found from reading past years' of journals to myself. Occasionally I'll share them with Jesse or someone. I never quite find myself satisfied with the reaction of the person I share with, however. Others never seem to be JUST as in awe or as flabbergasted as I am regarding what I am finding or learning. I suppose that makes sense though.
The other night, I reread a journal that cataloged November 2007 till March 2008 as I was laying in bed waiting to fall asleep. Then, just this morning, I reread a journal from the period of February 2011 through April 2011. I thought I'd share some of the things I realized. Perhaps it will encourage you to journal if you don't already do so- who knows....
I can CLEARLY see that during the months of November to March of 2007-2008, I was in a very open position to be targeted by Satan as a person he'd like to dissuade from maintaining her, at the time, very deep and blossoming relationship with Jesus. I had just accepted the job in NYC. I was strongly convinced of the fact that it was God's will and leading, so strongly that I left, while sobbing hysterically, little Franklin and drove away to NYC. (My family and I rewatched the video from that day in 2007 a few months back. Everyone was amazed at just how grieved I was. They hadn't remembered it. Dad couldn't even watch the home video. It upset him too much. It remains, to this day, one of the hardest things I've ever done. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was leaving MY OWN child. He felt like mine for many reasons, and my already fragile emotional state made it even more difficult). Anyway, during this time, I was in NYC, pretty much alone in the sense that there was no one within 300 miles who had known me more than 2 years, and no one within 1000 who had known me before the Fall of 2005. I had two friends in NYC. One was an ex boyfriend who had broken my heart. Ha! Not promising.
Now I KNEW at the time that God was providing for me immensely. He provided a home, comfort through a new pet, a Redeemer small group through a connection with someone I went to college with at Mercer. Many things 'fell' into place. But it was still pretty hard, and I was only 24. And despite what some may know, moving to NY after living 23 years in the suburbs of Georgia and only 2 in the suburbs of Massachusetts, is a BIG culture shock....in so many ways. I will go to BAT with you over the right to call it 'cross-cultural' ministry in more than one way!
Yet, God had BIG plans...I mean, look at how much has changed in these years- good changes. I reread the struggles, problems, decisions needing to be made from back then. I reread my reasonings, logic, decision-making ventures, doubts, etc, and I see obviously what God was answering me in all my questions I asked, but at the time it was NOT so clear. I can now see where my heart was obviously deceived, where something was obviously NOT a good idea- blatant sin I denied, but then it wasn't so clear. Later, I found myself hating myself for situations I was in, blaming myself, thinking it all my own fault and weakness if things did not turn out how I hoped, or if I found myself sad. But in hindsight, I can forgive myself and see the obstacles that Satan set in my path in hopes of completely crumbling me. And though at times I felt as if I barely survived, I DID survive, BECAUSE God loves me and takes care of me. He was there, even when I felt like He wasn't because I was too disgusting and unworthy.
When rereading the journal from 2011, I am able to see much more clearly just how depressed I was becoming daily. It is like reading the journal of a girl walking down a staircase into a dark and dreadful pit. There were so many things that, rightly so, would be crushing to me and hard to handle. I reached out to some people, trying to tell them how weak I was, but in hindsight I see that I did not reach out to the right people. The ones I tried to talk with were not that capable of understanding what I was saying or trying to say and probably, in general, not the best of counselors. The people I didn't reach out to because I didn't want to disappoint them were probably much more capable of actually helping me. I see how much I kept hidden, in hindsight, and how much I isolated. I isolated because I was breaking apart and felt like the only way to stay together was to remove myself more from the things that caused stress. But since the only community I had in NY was also connected to the things that were hurting me or stressing me, I ended up not only pulling away from hurtful situations or people but ALSO pulling away from those who loved me and could and wanted to help. I see so clearly how the things that I sought comfort in were so damaging to me, false senses of relief, and why I only seemed to spiral deeper. And I suppose as I reread the journal, I also was able to forgive myself more. Instead of just hating myself for mistakes I made or situations I ended up in, I was able to see the entire progression, have mercy and pity for myself (in a healthy way), and stop berating myself. (Perhaps you are seeing a common thread of self-contempt in my mental structures- if so, you are seeing correctly!)
In short summary, journaling is good for the soul. At the time of writing, the process can seem time-consuming, but I have found it to be a completely soothing and educational practice, if only retro-actively. Journal your life, people, and then reread your journals, even if you are afraid they will unearth painful memories. If you are a person who accepts accusation and condemnation from yourself ABOUT yourself, I bet you will glean a lot from analyzing past years of journals...I bet you will glean forgiveness...for yourself.
I look forward to rereading this...in a few years. :)
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