I'm a Cutter

So what are you? I want to know because I have recently decided to accept and admit the fact that I must be a closet cutter...in my sleep. They say it's the first step, right?


 Multiple times a week, I wake up with new cuts on my body, and my fingernails are not even that long!!! But apparently they are long enough... :/


Usually my vanity does not extend to worrying about these cuts, especially since most are on my back, stomach, or shoulders, (areas that do not often show in public). And when, occasionally, the areas ARE seen, I have tended to just 'deal' with the typical gasp that immediately follows the unsuspecting eyes of whoever is nearby: 

"Ah! What did you do THERE???" 

as he/she points to some gaping whole in my arm that is scabbed over.

But...with the summer season coming up and the fact that my wedding dress will show part of my shoulders and back, (there Jesse, that is your hint about how the dress looks), I started thinking about the fact that these cuts are not pretty. In addition, I never really 'doctor' them, so they can take weeks to heal finally and leave no trace or scar. I find that something always seems to agitate them: 

• Perhaps I scratch them multiple times during my nightly comatose-cutting-routine and impede their healing.. 
• Perhaps the excessive amount of scented lotion I use daily irritates them. 
• Or, finally, perhaps the fact that they are, numerous times a week, covered in dirt filled sweat for about an hour of running, aggravates them. 

Needless to say, I have NEEDED to figure out a way to heal them. So...

• I stopped putting lotion over any place I have a cut.
• I started cleaning the cuts each day (morning and night) with hydrogen peroxide to keep out infection.
• I started putting neosporin over any place I have a cut, especially since one on my finger recently got infected.
• I started putting bandaids over the neosporin during the day if the cut is exposed.

This weekend is Ken and Joyce's wedding, and my dress will not cover a rather disgusting looking scab on my left shoulder. I am working hard to heal it, but I doubt it will be healed. Prepare yourself. In addition, I currently am wearing many bandaids. Prepare yourself. I resemble a 3 year old child who is obsessed with Dora the Explorer and has covered herself in bandaids 'for fun.'


So why do I post about this? Well, there are a few reasons. First, I need to warn Jesse. I am not positive that my cutting routine will not turn into a form of nightly spousal abuse inflicted upon HIM when we get married. Sorry in advance. And what's worse, that is not the only thing poor Jesse will be getting himself into. I also randomly scream and talk in my sleep, a lot. Last night I woke myself up screaming out loud. It was so loud, I was sure Christine, from upstairs, heard it and would call 911. :( I'm trying to deal with all my pint up anger and forgive everyone I need to forgive, but this does not stop the random yelling in my sleep....


So what do you do? The final reason I post this is because I am hoping to find out that I am not the only closet insane person. Please comment and tell me what you do in your sleep that is ridiculous. Spouses, tell me any random thing you have had to endure because of your significant other. Or maybe you aren't married but have a roommate??? Tell me! Comfort me! Let me know I am not alone. 


That is all. Thank you and goodbye,
Sincerely,
Bandaid girl.