Disordered Loves

 

Disordered Loves:

Thinking out loud… as usual: The standards in my head, for myself, the disordered loves, for my immediate family, or mainly just Jesse in my immediate family, how high they are, and how low I am when I can’t meet them, or when circumstances force my hand, our hands, such that I can’t overwork and fake it till I present or we present, at least, in the most perfected way in which I or he can attain…All these things, I think, are sins against myself, or perhaps my family, and against God. Because in my conscious mind, I don't look at others and judge them for not meeting these same standards. I feel like, "I would never expect another person to do that, how insane," but then if I'm really honest, and dig deep, isn't that EXACTLY what I am kind of doing? I am gaining my own worth and value off of meeting the standard and then feeling GOOD about myself for it? So then isn't that comparing myself to those who don't meet, and saying "yes, I am now at least as good as them or better in this way or that...." Because I feel so low about myself in the first place, I have to do something, meet some standard another isn't meeting, in order to feel on equal ground, or higher ground.... I feel like this is just another tricky form of pride, where one doesn't realize she is prideful and arrogant. She thinks she's just insecure, but really she is quite arrogant. I'm looking in the mirror 15 or 20 times a day, and someone asks "why do you always like to look at yourself so much? That's pride!" And I say, "NO! I'm afraid I might look TOO awful. I'm trying to make sure I am at least okay, and not like embarrassing myself." And then the wise friend gently offers, "That still, is pride... thinking of yourself...too much."

And it convicts me. Perhaps instead of repenting of my self-hatred and perfectionism, I should be repenting of my judgmental spirit and deceived heart, disordered loves, or at least, repenting of them both.

Our Christmas cards this year are a perfect example. Typically, I start making my Christmas card early in November. At least in the past few years, I have. I've had time, without working, and with Eli being more self sufficient, and then when Eden came, her first year about this time, she was the easiest baby in the world. So I tailor them out, and treat them like a little art project, checking every detail, the wording, each tiny dot. And while it is pressure because of my perfectionism, I have enjoyed it. This year, I just had no drive to make the card, and I almost felt a sense of guilt to make it because honestly, I couldn't let myself put so much focus into making something like that... I couldn't put so much time into making something look perfect and then finding joy in how I loved how it looked. I didn't want it to come off as "look at our cute happy family" in the midst of a year where so many people have suffered so much, in a year where WE have suffered a lot and struggled. Like if I was going to send a card, I had to have it be real, and it needed to be rightly ordered... I guess I felt similar to how I felt each time I lost one of my babies through miscarriage. "Things" took on different meaning to me. Some things that weren't necessarily ''bad'' or ''evil'' just mattered in a different way, or less, or not at all. Priorities fell into place, and, if I can be so bold as to say, a much godlier place....for a time, at least.

I actually had a REALLY INCREDIBLE creative idea of what I wanted to do INSTEAD of a Christmas card, but it would have required more time and manpower and prep on mine and Jesse's part to create and send. I felt it would have been a breath of fresh air and honestly something that when people opened it would perhaps make them feel loved. It wouldn't include a million pictures of our family looking great, and I wouldn't run the risk of making anyone feel like we've got it together while they haven't. But Jesse preferred we make the regular card because he honestly did not have time to help me with my idea, and I honestly did not have time to accomplish it while homeschooling Eli in addition to running our household. So he said he would make our regular card since I didn't feel all that inspired to make it and he was vetoing my creative idea.

So I tried to let him, but asked that he show me his choice before he made it. Well he forgot about that, and the first card he made, I COMPLETELY VETOED! I just couldn't....I COULD NOT send out that card. Omg. So ugly. I was trying to be less controlling, but if we were going to pay money for something, I couldn't let it be that. (Sorry Jesse. I just thought it was ugly). So there we have it, my vanity, my need for perfection. So he acquiesced and took my suggestion for another design, or one of my suggestions... still not my favorite or ideal one. And my bit my lips and tried to let him move forward. (It still hasn't been sent to print.....and that right there is also driving me insane).

And honestly, this entire adventure slightly sums up our year. Megin TRYING to let go of control, and Jesse TRYING to put more time into his family and doing family things with a happy spirit and not begrudgingly. We have struggled with this....I'm guessing you knew that... well you all knew I struggled with control and perfectionism. Perhaps you didn't know as much that we have struggled finding a balance with Jesse being present at home as much as he is present in ministry, and then my own guilt when it seems I'm pulling my husband away from BEING GOD'S SERVANT. So here we are... in the midst, under the gun to try to get a Christmas card ordered before the deals go away... when honestly, I would kind of prefer to just send everyone a letter and summarize our lives, ask about them, share a little of what God has been teaching us, and offer comfort. I still really wish I had time to make the idea I wanted to make and send to everyone!! Sigh, maybe in the future.

I talked to my counselor the other day, and explained how overwhelmed I was, and my day-to-day life, and something he pointed out after I was done, was that I had listed all these things and all these struggles, but not mentioned Eden once in there. She was like "do you have a full time nanny or something?" And I was like "oh no! I'm watching her, holding her, feeding her, changing her, or asking for Jesse to do those things all day while all the other things are going on." His point was that of course I was.... and that was just it... I heap so much expectation on myself without realizing that I have a freaking baby in the midst of all this... I heap expectation while not considering how much I am doing. I need to let some of the things I expect myself to do or be able to do go, unless, I really am Super-Mom. Am I? I could be! But it would probably require me to abuse some type of substance in order to have energy, and then another in order to sleep at night.

And who is it for? Who NEEDS me to be this? I have such guilt. I have literally been absent from our church since basically March. But then, WHY, Megin, WHY do you feel you don't have permission to step away and let your ministry look different for a phase of life....? Is a part of because you fear that people will only like or want your husband around if you provide something for them or do something for them? Probably. Or do you feel that you are not as godly if your ministry has to do with babies and a house and not with homeless people or youth or young people in need of mentoring? Well yes, I think I do fall into that trap. While I can completely remember sitting at lunch with a friend 10 years ago who was saying she felt she wasn't serving God, and telling her "Hello! You have young children! You raising these kids right now is your service to God!" But standards, what we consider godly verses self-serving... whispers from Satan... they all intermingle and shout at me, and I play dodge ball to dodge the lies and try only to hold to the truths.... and have I ever mentioned how much I HATE dodge ball. LITERALLY my least favorite game in the world. OMG, every time we had to play it in stupid P.E. during school. Ugh. Like serious torturous torment. I would let myself get out as soon as possible so I could sit on the bleachers. STUPIDEST GAME EVER.

So I'm trying to let Jesse make the card. I'm trying to keep my hands out of it, but if we're spending money on it, I have to at least make sure it's not ridiculous. But I don't even want to spend money on it, truly. In all honestly, what I wish I could do is send everyone a video message and talk to them and say "how are you? how has this year been? how are you coping?" (That wasn't my idea that we decided against... my idea is slightly easier than sending 200 individual video messages. haha). I mean, people have lost jobs, friends, family, homes, normalcy, comfort, have lived through a polarizing election year. Half the people feel hopeless their candidate lost. The other half are hoping their candidate can fix things and lives long enough too. Another half are waiting on massive fraud to be unveiled... Okay- that's three halves I just said... that doesn't add up... and I didn't even mention other groups... but you know what I mean, so much this year has been polarizing and pitting people against each other. People are in pain, and we don't need to just fake it till we make it and act like we haven't been in pain.

But I get, Christmas cards, aren't like that for everyone. So I won't be judging you if you send me a beautiful card. I'll probably just be feeling like you're better than me because you had the time to do it. And so we are back to the start- the judgment, the comparison, the standards...and where do they come from? Certainly not from GOD! Perhaps, from the Father of ALL LIES! Yes indeed.

So that's what I confess this morning... that I struggle against the powers and principalities set up against me and the entire world. I struggle to live in the freedom of Christ... which is why I chose to write this blog instead of work on the Christmas card... as a means of confessing. And asking for prayer, and testifying to the world that these struggles we have in our head in regard to identity and who are are not just there for no reason... so fight back. Don't give in.

AND for those of you not sending Christmas cards, because you've got too much other stuff on your plate, or you actually have GIANT losses in your life right now and can't even begin to think about things like Christmas cards, my heart goes out to you. I see you... and I affirm... this is not the year to be bound by any standard; well, no year is, but certainly has not God taught us this year about what is important and what is not? So give yourself permission and freedom, and remind me to give it to myself. There are a great many things worse that could be happening to so many of us, and a great many things worse that ARE happening to so many of us. I've heard some say they hate the phrase that we're all in this together, but honestly, I really feel like we should be... that is the thing for which we should be striving toward... togetherness, whether or not it includes a card. Supporting, lifting up, encouraging, listening, Loving, empathizing, walking with, weeping with, rejoicing with, waiting with.... the SPIRIT of the seasons and holidays we celebrate, not the traditions are what I pray we ....I.... can herald, at home, on the street, from behind our masks, everywhere... Dear God, order our loves, rightly, from a pure heart; help us to LISTEN to YOUR voice alone, YOUR words. May they ring out clearly...orderly...in our hearts.