How You Can Pray for us....October 2020

 Hi Friends,

I've definitely been accused of sharing too much at times, and that accusation is probably spot-on in many situations, so I tentatively write this post, share this letter, if I'm honest. As well, I thought about just emailing some friends, but I can't. I can't only tell a select few. I'm too convicted. I'm too convicted that plenty of people live in the midst of chaos at times or go through spells of feeling disconnected from spouses, family, or friends, and spells of just wondering how in the world they are going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And then, I also think, there are probably a good deal of those people who are very much like me, and as soon as they think and feel this way, start to pack on the self-condemnation with thoughts like, "but you're so blessed. Buck up. Be strong. Don't whine. Stop it! No one in your family has died, or has a terminal illness. You haven't REALLY suffered!" 

I would venture to say that the feeling like you can't put one foot in front of the other is natural, and yet also something that satan presses in with, a piano string he plays upon, plucking over and over until you start to believe it. AS WELL, I believe the self-condemning thoughts that you are/I AM a loser-believer-loser-Christian-loser-person for feeling any of these ways are also the MO of the liar who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. (Don't believe in the reality of satan and spiritual warfare? I didn't always either. Message me for more discussion...but hold off till next week!)  Sooo, for that reason, I post this as a blog post, for real people to read. Perhaps some people will read it and pity me. Others will question my mental health and head space. Others will think I'm a whiny brat. Other's will be embarrassed for me, but there will be those who are ministered to through my reality, I believe by faith, (and by the private affirmation from my own special little cheerleading squad....thank you guys and gals), and I believe there will be people that will pray for us. SO I post this, on my blog, this letter: 

The quarantine mental-crap of covid hit me later than I think it hit some, but it still hit, nonetheless, after months of living a completely different life and realizing we really were in no control of the future...realizing that once again, afresh, in a new way, it hit. Then parenting two kids, and starting to homeschool one of them, without a babysitter for months on end, and the inability of the opportunity to stop to visit my family in Georgia or have mom come save me and watch my kids while I slave away getting crap done, really took a toll. Jesse and I have been more disconnected as of recent, almost a 180 from where we were a year ago at this time. 

Recently, there were renovations and painting done at church, on the 4th floor, so we could start live-streaming services. My husband told me he was going to the paint store to get paint and paint church. I lost it. Our apartment has needed to have much finished painting since we moved in, and I've asked and asked and asked for time for it to be done.  Three years living here, and it's not done. I get it...not a national emergency...not as important as building Trump's wall.  But I was mad. I had wanted to pay for professional painters when we moved in, to paint everything, but we didn't, to be frugal and as many would say, wise. We'd already spent so much on our parents' dime. We could paint our apartment ourselves. Self-condemnation rose in my throat. Who did I think I was for wanting a dang professional painter. Selfish! Jesse was convinced the remainder of the painting could be done in two days.... I wasn't, but I relented.... yet after 3 years, those two days never seemed to make it into our schedule. Thus, when suddenly, at the drop of a hat, after only mere suggestions from colleagues, church was getting painted; he was headed to the paint store, and off to paint church. I lost it on him. :( 

This led to a litany of discussions about the deeper issues of how we struggle to maintain the balance of having family be the first ministry but also meeting the needs and obligations of church ministry... especially in light of financial issues, and the ever lingering question in every congregation from some always wondering what the pastor REALLY does to earn his salary. I struggle with all that in my mind probably much more than my husband. How could I ask him to take more time away? FROM GOD'S WORK? Who was I? Why did I need so much? Why DO I need so much? And FRIVOLOUS stuff.... is it frivolous? Oh the circling in my mind.

Fast forward, we decided that we would forego a traditional vacation this year, and Jesse would take a week off to give me a break from the kids and so we could tackle some household projects: ...painting.... cleaning out the kids clothes and toys, (they share a room and we are bursting at the seams with things that are too small and they don't need), cleaning out some stuff to take to storage or sell (once again....space. we need space), as well as give me some time actually to meet up with a friend for dinner, (I think it's probably been a year since that happened), go to the eye doctor, and lesson plan for homeschool...not really a break, but has to get done. So our list is long this week.... it won't really be time of relaxing too much, except maybe in the evenings over a lot of pizza and Law and Order, (I hope since our stove is still not fixed), but it will be time of trying to play catch-up on our lives that will hopefully lead to me being able to feel seen, heard, cared for, etc. I need that. Oh, and it's my birthday this week. I can't remember the last time I celebrated that, outside of Mom making me a cake last year when she was here visiting....but I kinda don't remember that because I had literally just shot a baby out of me and was in a daze! 

But during these times, times where we attempt to put our family or marriage first and try to address issues, satan typically attacks hard....AND I MEAN HARD. Once again, don't believe that satan actually attacks? Private message me about the reality of spiritual warfare, and we can talk, but do it next week please. I didn't use to think this was a real thing either... God opened my eyes. 

So please pray for us this week, for a shroud of protection around our family- that we can work together, somehow rest even in the midst of doing lots of things. Like I said, I'm typically blessed with my mom being able to come a few times a year to give me a break and help me catch up on life. (STOP READING THIS AND FEELING GUILTY MOM. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!) Covid has made that out of our control. Sure, I could send my kids away for a week to my in-laws. Grammy and Grampy would gladly watch them, but the truth is, I don't want to go to bed each night away from kids, and labor away every day alone. I want community, someone to labor with me, and I want to tuck my kids in to bed, and snuggle them after a long day. So Jesse has taken a week off.... and we have decided not to take a vacation, (which is probably good if you look at our bank account, although man, I would love a real vacation too! But I can't have it all...that really WOULD make me a diva), and we're going to attempt actually to be a family ourselves without soliciting help from the outside. Instead, we solicit your prayers. Please pray, that this time would be a time of healing for our family, our marriage, and a time of God building us up in preparation for the upcoming season. Honestly, that it would just be a time of God doing whatever God wants I guess...even if that means we don't get painted, but holy crap I hope it means we get painted. And that we would be protected. Thank you!

Thank you for letting me spill it out all, vulnerably. Thank you. Okay. Off to start!

Oh, you can also pray that God would direct my eyes toward what really matters- THE REAL THINGS. That I would not idolize so much, because I do. I idolize... I want to be at peace, with Jesus. I know I am, theoretically, but in my mind, I want to feel it.