Faith

Unrelated picture, but this kid is so incredible...
I love him more than I can begin to describe, and he
blesses me daily.

None of my maternity shirts fit the same- I'm 25 weeks but the size I was with Eli in the home stretch, at 30-something weeks. That's what did it this morning. Not fitting my clothes. We're going out to dinner tonight, and I feel like a blimp, and that makes me ashamed. And I hear the words fro ladies at church on Sunday,

"Looks like you're ready to pop!"

"Wow- SOO big."

And maybe I could take it all in stride because, hey! I'm pregnant! Except pregnancy after loss isn't the same as pregnancy before loss. Or maybe I should just say pregnancy after trauma isn't the same as pregnancy before trauma... because it's really the stress of post-trauma life, the anxiety of it, that causes all the ambiguity and fear. And it's not something one can understand even until he or she experiences it... so honestly, if you're reading this, I hope you don't understand.

I've thought about writing on this topic many days, but I never sit down and do it. Somehow, enduring, making it through, must bring glory to God, I think, and would not sharing expose that glory on a grander stage? But I haven't shared... I blame it on the time, on being a mom to a toddler... but a lot of it has to do with just not wanting the judgement or the pity of others.... the judgement I can hear in some when they say "I read your blog. Just have faith. Just keep trusting God." I know what they mean.... "Just keeping believing everything will be fine..." Maybe next time I shouldn't smile and thank them but should say what I'm thinking. "Honestly, I'm not going to do that. I believe God will be with me no matter what, and He will utilize all of this. But I cannot say I believe 100% everything will be fine. That isn't rational or faithful." Because, where did God promise that? Where did He promise that if I just BELIEVE it that it certainly will be true in 3 more months? Sure, He did tell me not to fear. But at the same time, Jesus demonstrated on earth that He made time for all emotions in each circumstance where the emotion was warranted such an emotion. He stood and cried for Lazarus moments before He raised him from the dead. So don't tell me there is no room for me to fear.

And the pity. I really don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't know why I can't handle that. But it makes me angry.... Maybe it's because I fight not to feel bad for myself. Maybe it's because I think of ALL THE AWFUL TRAGEDY AND SUFFERING IN THE WORLD.... and so then I get angry. Don't pity me that my pregnancy is difficult.... THIS WORLD IS SO BROKEN! AND SO IS YOUR LIFE TOO. YOU PROBABLY JUST DON'T WANT TO REALIZE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

Yeah, that's not a nice attitude. Honestly, my anger and rage that wants to spew that is probably just another coping mechanism- an ethic I can spout off angrily to give a reason to the unexplainable and the pain.

I digress.

"It's something with the baby's bowel." - said the doctor. They saw something on the ultrasound at 22 weeks. Could be nothing serious, but could be something. Sixty percent chance, the baby just swallowed too much amniotic fluid. Forty percent chance, it is one of these other issues...... Que long list....

So they did all the tests, and all the issues have been ruled out, except one: intrauterine growth restriction... this could mean there is a lack of blood flow to the placenta and that the baby is going to stop growing. There is no way to tell now. We can only tell by monitoring and doing more ultrasounds in the coming weeks. We'll check again at 32 weeks.... This issue can cause lack of development of the baby and still birth.... my greatest fear in all this- the one thing I said I didn't know how woman endured... still birth...

Recently my friend told me that my faith was incredible through all of this. "Faith?! What faith????" I thought. The faith that just yelled at Jesse. The faith that didn't do my normal responsibilities because I was crying on the bed? But I know what she meant. She meant what I mean when I've said that to other women enduring through trials. The fact that you are ENDURING and that you haven't given up your belief in God or His goodness... the fact that you still want to follow God, and that you are hanging on, THAT is faith... and it is incredible. Yeah. I guess that's true. I mean, it IS true. That is true faith.  But right now, I mainly just concentrate on all my failures. On my anger that comes out when my clothes don't fit, and I think WHAT IF THIS IS ALL FOR NOTHING ANYWAY!? I WANT THIS BABY SO BAD, AND WHAT IF I CAN'T HAVE HER? On my anxiety and exhaustion that keep me in a constant cycle of needing more rest and then getting more behind and then feeling more anxious as the preparations and 'to-do' items pile up.

My other friend told me last week, "there is never a dull day with you Megin." I knew what he meant, and it didn't offend me because I knew he didn't BLAME me for that. I struggle with self-contempt and blame though. Am I just dramatic? Why do I always have SOMETHING? What is my PROBLEM? Do I just seek attention? Am I a hypochondriac? Do I have Munchhausen syndrome? Does the fact that I wonder if I have it mean that I AM a hypochondriac?

My go-to coping mechanism is to blame myself because then I feel like there is a reason for what's going on... and the reason is that I'm just dramatic and crazy. But the truth is, although I do wax toward the dramatic, I'm not choosing any of this crap... and I'm certainly not wanting it. It's out of my control. And I don't know the reason for it all. (And neither do you). We can analyze, but we can't ever REALLY know (read Job if you disagree with me). And I actually hate it. I don't have the patience for it. Yet it seems it just happens.... something... over and over. AND I'M SO OVER the ridiculous advice. Mom said, "Just try not to diet. Eat well, and you'll be fine." Really Mom? I love you. You are smart. BUT NO. Just stop! I'M NOT TRYING TO EFF-ING DIET! LIKE REALLY? I EAT! My gosh. It's.Not.That. Others suggest: make sure you don't exercise too much. Eat more meat. -_- Please stop giving me practical advice. My hormones are making it very hard for me not to punch you.

I dated a guy in college who had the worst luck in the world. Seriously- like I never met a guy with worse luck. I don't know if he still has bad luck. We ran out of gas on one of our first dates. I mean crazy stuff always happened with him! And he took it all in stride and didn't get mad. It was a reflection of what I learned were his incredible stellar and godly parents... in my family, when bad stuff happened, it was a race to see who we would blame. There were no accidents. Someone was at fault always. We abused each other with our inability to develop a theology- a life ethic- for how to handle disappointment and tragedy, brokenness and accidents. This guy's family taught me so much about enduring in life. They loved each other and deferred to each other. I knew early on I would never make it in his family. I was too selfish and too easily angered. Where he and his family rolled with the punches and built each other up, I grumbled and pitched fits and quit participating. I suppose I've come a long way from where I was back when I was 21 years old... but the truth is, I still don't feel like I roll with the punches too easily.

So how am I dealing with it? Most days, I try not to think about it. I don't let myself. It takes too much effort to think about the reality of the 40% and then cope with life. So I'll pretend it's not there. But then it pops up at different points, and I can't deny it, and whatever moment I'm in is paused as I sit to venture off into my mind and contemplate the fact that we are in the midst of a season of unknown and waiting. The fact that we are in that season became really clear to me the other day when Jesse said "If and when the baby girl is born," ..... I questioned his use of the phrase, and he said "Well yeah- I'm worried too. We don't know. It's scary." I'm glad my husband shared his feelings with me. I wouldn't want him to keep them in. Most of the time, when he shares his vulnerable or insecure feelings, I am comforted because I know I'm not alone in feeling similar emotions. I feel like we are a team together. But this time, his sharing hit me differently. I suppose I've been telling myself that my fear and anxiety is really unwarranted, that I'm just so dramatic and over the top and unfaithful. But the truth is, my husband, the rational one, the non-driven-by-emotions-one, is worried. That something could be wrong is a legit possibility and fear... even more so in our case because of my history.... With Eli, I HAD pre-eclampsia. My placenta was studied, and the doctors were amazed afterward that Eli had managed because of how much of my placenta was dead by the time he was delivered at 39 weeks and 4 days. There had been a restriction of blood flow to the placenta that they did not know a reason for. So I'm being monitored already in this pregnancy for pre-eclampsia, and am on an aspirin regimen that helps some women who have had PE in previous pregnancies carry to 40 weeks without complication.

So how am I dealing with it? I randomly stumbled upon a book by Amy Julia Becker called "Small Talk." I read a chapter today, and it is literally a devotional for me even though it's not the intention of the book at all. But you would be amazed at how the chapters and their messages line up EXACTLY with what I am struggling with each day. It's like manna- just enough... for 24 more hours. I've read a lot of her stuff. I highly recommend her.

So how am I dealing with it? I'm writing about it on my blog today, and then I'm going to church to clean out some mess and occupy Eli while Jesse is writing a sermon. Later I'm going to dinner, feeling like a blimp. I guess I'll be walking by faith...