A Year of Struggle. I still carry You.

i still carry You

Earlier this year, a facebook friend's son, a little boy barely a year old, had to have an extremely dangerous surgery to save his life. If I'm honest, although she is my facebook friend, I don't think I've really talked to her outside of facebook since 4th grade. I do remember, however, that in 4th grade, we talked a lot about God and what we believed. I can remember remember being an 8 year old fundamentally trained Baptist who was shocked by her Reformed faith. I've come along way, in the right direction ;). And I find it humorous that at 8, one of my biggest concern was my friends' theology.

That's not the point, though. The point is something this woman said during the midst of everything she and her family were going through. She talked about how she stood in church the Sunday before the surgery and cried out to God that He would have mercy on her son here on Earth, heal him now, and not just in Heaven. She then chronicled how she stood in church later, when the surgery was complete, thanking God for His goodness and for sparing her son's life yet confessing that even if He hadn't, He would STILL be good. This testimony stopped me dead in my tracks....

Yes, I agreed with her. That's the ''truth.'' Suffering and pain and sin- none of those things change God's character and God's goodness.... So He would STILL be good even if she had lost her son, but I was astonished by her strength to say that. And I was reminded how many times I've doubted His goodness this past year, or, to say the least, struggled with it in regard to myself.

You can call it whatever you like, childhood wounds being triggered, the effects of PTSD from abuse and living in a war zone, but whatever it is, Aden's death certainly cast me into a dark place, a place of expecting the worst and waiting for it to happen. A place that did not have much space for hope. My previous posts have never been lies. I always meant whatever I wrote, even the testaments of faith. But the past year has seen more faithless days than faithful days. And as the faithless days piled up, so did my sense of shame and lack of self-worth. Two friends called me out on that just this past week... The best rendition of this was when I told one of the friends that I honestly just felt like, for lack of any better words, a complete f*** up! To which she responded, "Megin, we're all f*** ups," which is the point of the Gospel!  These wise friends said that if shame and a sense of unworthiness have piled up because I haven't felt faithful, then what was I basing my worth on in the first place? Obviously nothing secured by Christ.... because something secured by Christ does not change in the face of my inability to 'perform.' Obviously I was placing my worth in my ability to perform my faith, to 'be' a believer, to 'suffer well.' Yup. That's true.

I've always thought that the greatest testimony a person can have is to 'suffer well' for Christ. I'll take seeing a person suffer well over a modern miracle in front of my eyes any day! I've read about the countless martyrs of the early church and even the more modern-day 'martyrs,' if you will: Joni Eareckson Tada, Corrie Ten Boom, Bonhoeffer, Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael, countless of the early missionaries to the East... and even a few women I've known and learned from in my own life. Their stories challenged and grew my faith, as well as demonstrated to me how Christ is enough. 

Today, during one of the moments I began to cry, Eli came over to me and said "Mommy, I just love you!" And gave me a big hug. He is one of the most compassionate kids I know. In many ways, Eli is a miracle to me. And he is so good. That there is evidence enough that even in the midst of pain and anguish, God is still good. There is still good. But then, I'm placing God's goodness in my son. What if I didn't have Eli? Would I then be able to see any goodness? Yes, I erect a high standard for myself, but until I can truly say that He gives and He takes away, with the death of Aden in mind, or the possibility of anything else, I don't think I know Him as truly as I can, and I am not prepared to suffer well. Christ is not enough.

I've been listening to this on repeat all morning, partially singing it, partially stopping to cry. Even while I baked cornbread with Eli. I took moments to cry and try to sing this. No doubt a portion of the lyrics are from the famous hymn by Horatio Spafford, It is Well with My Soul. So much is made of that hymn, and it is true that he did write it during the agony of suffering. AND it is a great hymn! Nonetheless, Horatio's story isn't as glamorous and many people portray it. They like to gloss over the reality of his later years. The truth is that his death from malaria is debated. Some say he took his own life while sick. And regardless of that point even, there was heresy, schism, and a good bit of odd stuff going on with him in his life. The truth is, his immense suffering changed him, and not necessarily for the better in the end. Was that suffering well? What can be said of him and what happened to him? I don't know. Honestly- I can't even begin to place judgment or characterize it except to say I understand how it could happen....

So as for me, I am hesitant to share much these days. Aden died a year ago, "between the 5th and 7th most likely," my doctor says. In just a few short days, it will be a year since I found out- August 16th, when I thought I'd hear my 9 week old heartbeat. I'll forever be thankful I heard his heart beat at 6 weeks. I fear people think I should be over it by now and are tired of my rehashing of the same thing over and over. But maybe that is why so many suffer and leave the faith. Maybe there isn't space for them to suffer IN the faith. I don't know what Horatio endured as he suffered, but I certainly know of people who have been shamed and extolled just to ''believe.'' Hopefully my own walk through aching to believe but finding it so hard is authentic faith. If it isn't, then I don't know what is. I know that in Scripture, we have examples of people giving up on God and God not giving up on them. So struggling with belief can't be the litmus for not having faith or deserving to be given up on by God. And honestly, it isn't even that I don't believe.... it's more that I don't believe the Gospel truth for myself. I believe it for the rest of the billions of people in the world. But I am my own idol, and my feelings and need to understand are in the way of my being able to let go and rest in Him or trust in Him.

But as I sang this today, the words kept echoing in my head "the waves and wind still know your name." I do believe that, utterly completely. I believe God is without a shadow of a doubt in total control and working toward the redemption of His entire world. I believe Jesus Christ was foreordained before the foundation of the world to be that which reconciled the world to God. I believe we are lost without Christ, and I believe that salvation and the knowledge of Christ is not of our own doing at all but by His. So honestly, my problem right now is just that I'm confused and sad. When Eli's confused and sad, I typically hold him and tell him that I know how hard it is to be a little boy and not understand, that I know how much he wants x or y or to do x or y. So maybe that is actually what God is doing today. Maybe my friend is right and I have shame because I'm placing my righteousness on my own shoulders, where it is never meant to be. Maybe God is seeking to dry my tears with my 'gagoo' (like I dry Eli's with his gagoo -blanket-) and instead I'm running away saying "No, you can't. You just hate me. And rightly so. I'm terrible." I realize that trust is hard for me. There have been few people in my life I have felt I could completely trust or that did not completely and disgracefully betray and abuse that trust. Maybe that is the case for most people. I don't know. I know such things are wrong, though. And I know that I must forgive these transgressions lest they fester to the place where I cannot trust God if I don't understand Him. Even the idea of trusting because I understand Him makes NO sense because who has EVER known the mind of God?

"But, God, these pictures confuse me. A woman so elated, so excited, filled with dreams, filled with child, and a woman feeling abandoned and destitute, void and unworthy, wondering if this is just the trajectory of my life... whenever I begin to relax and trust, the next bomb falls... this is what I've known since I can remember. Is this what I deserve? Yes. I'm a sinner. I deserve it, but I wish You could love me enough not to let this happen to me. And oh God, the blasphemy of that statement! Of course You love me! You sent Christ for me!! You spared me so many more agonies in my life I am sure. Oh God. I'm just broken. I can't make sense of myself even. These pictures are taken only weeks apart. It makes no sense. It makes no sense to sing Your praise to me. I DON'T GET WHY ADEN ISN'T HERE, and I don't get why You haven't just blessed me with a supernatural faith that makes this easier to embrace. AND I WANT MY BABY HERE. I WANT HIM HEALTHY, WITHOUT TRISONOMY 15. I WANT HIM HAPPY AND LAUGHING AT HIS BROTHER. I WANT TO BE WALKING AROUND IN A BULKY, TRANSFORMING, POST-PARTUM BODY, NURSING 24-7, NOT SLEEPING MUCH (because if Aden were like Eli, he wouldn't sleep till 6 or 7 months). Oh God, I want to be ANYWHERE but sitting here with empty arms, without him.

Aden at 5.5 weeks. We saw his heartbeat.
It was too early to hear, but we saw it. It was
strong, and it was beautiful!

Waiting to head back to surgery on August 23rd,
2017, so that they could remove Aden's tiny,
lifeless, body.I remember, through tears, asking
 Dr. Chen to be gentle with him, if at all possible.
I knew we were opting for this surgery so that
they could see what caused the miscarriage,
if possible, if there was a genetic issue. But the
thought of what was about to happen to his body
overwhelmed me. She promised me she would be
as gentle as possible and treat him like a human being.

God, I don't get why I feel like I have been cast back years, like the past 18 years of growth in my faith haven't even occurred. I feel I have lost all credibility as a woman in ministry because of how low I have sunk during the past year and the ways in which I've mishandled my pain. How does that glorify You? But then, maybe credibility in ministry should come from confessing our TRUE selves and testifying to how we received GRACE.

God, I don't understand why I struggle with infertility, and why other women do. I understand "technically," and "theologically," but I don't understand in my soul! I don't get why women who are so obviously gifted to be mothers cannot have children. I don't get why there are so many of "Job's friends" around who have all the answers and just cause me (and others) more anger and frustration and pain. I don't get what You're doing. I don't get it at all. I don't get why Eli doesn't have a sibling to play with, and I don't get how all of this will glorify You at all. I don't get the death of children at any age, or illness of children. Even my friend's son who has a potential future of many more surgeries! I don't understand. I feel and fear I have wasted my suffering. I don't want my life to end apart from feeling near You and knowing You. So I pray you will honor my desperate cries, like the Psalmist in Psalm 88, and that You will not be far from me. I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling faith. Perhaps I just miss the false sense of control those things provide for me. I miss You. I feel far from You today, this week, last week, and the before.... I'm doing all I know to do. I am reaching out for help. I am getting help. I'm trying to pray, trying to read Your word. They are not always quick fixes. NEWS FLASH. They aren't always immediately comforting. That is reality, not a lack of faith. Or else why are there so many psalms of suffering?? How long, oh Lord? How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thought and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. Psalm 13

So I will wait for you, and I will continue to sing my psalms of suffering, and I will remind all my accusers that my songs are biblical. But Lord know my weary state. Know my need for sustenance. I suppose I am like my friend. I do believe You are good despite all of this. Help me believe You are good to me, though. Help me believe Your heart is good toward me. Help me to know I have not been cast away by You. Help me know that none of this happens because I deserve to suffer. Help to know You took all that to the cross in Jesus. Help to feel Your arms around me and Your face on my head the way I hold Eli and rest mine upon his. Reassure me that none of this is meaningless. Jesus Christ suffered the greatest of all desolations, the greatest of all rejection, the greatest of all confusion, "My Father, why hast thou forsaken me?" The answer: So that He may never forsake another who cries out to Him.... Even when I fall, though I don't want to fall, patiently I will cry. I will wonder. I will be honest about what it looks like, so that others may find freedom to grieve IN their faith and not have to leave their faith behind. Maybe, God, maybe that is how You will glorify Yourself here.... maybe You will help just one person know that they can grieve IN You, and that You see and care for their every tear. Maybe... "

And one day God, one day, I believe I will be able to sing even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise You without any reservation.... That it is well with my soul. That you will take all my battered self, washing me in your love, in your blood, and giving me the strength to praise you when I have no song. My praise today is in the form of saying I know You are there. I know today isn't the end of the journey. I praise You that You raise the dead. I wish You could raise my dead today... and though You do not, I can't imagine going through this without knowing Who You Are and What Your GOSPEL tells me. So thank you. And Jesus, have mercy on me... I believe; help my unbelief.