That's How I'll Forgive
After I posted, I sat in my bedroom, and I cried. And then I turned to the mirror, and started recounting all the things that SHOULD NOT have happened to me, that no girl should have to go through. One by one....I listed a lot, mostly the ones that still hurt to this day. This post would be more powerful if I listed them here, but for the sake of time, I won't.
After I listed them all, I spoke allowed and acknowledged that there were probably plenty of people out there who could turn that right around and said they should never have had to go through or have done to them what Megin did.... and they'd be right. And then I thought, "And I wouldn't even ask them to forgive me because I don't deserve it. Sin is awful, and sinful people, we don't deserve forgiveness."
But then, how do I forgive all those things that ''should never'' but ''certainly did'' happen to me.... How do I forgive when there is no apology, when that person doesn't hold me as a I cry and explain why they are wrong and how they are so sorry and want to make it right? I just can't, I said. I just can't God. I can't forgive it all. It's too hard. It's too much, and so I guess that means I can't be a Christian, and that's awful, but I just don't get it. I don't know how I to forgive, how to bear the pain. It's. Too. Hard.
And then I thought of the lyrics to this Shane and Shane song called "That's how You forgive." And the lyrics recount what Jesus did....living a perfect life, dying a death he didn't deserve, suffering in hell, being forsaken by God, and then, only then, rising to glory. And I thought "Man- that's how you forgive. That's how Jesus forgave. He didn't just forgive b/c he loved us. He worked his butt off." Then I thought "well, I mean, I can't do that. I can't die on a cross and go to hell and raise again and then **POOF** have forgiven all the wrong done to me.... instead I'm here on earth. And I can't live the perpetrators life perfectly- but I can take on the pain they deserve, I can bear the pain they inflicted, and forgive... that's what Christ did...And that's when it hit me just how HARD it must have been for Jesus to do all that.... every piece, so entirely hard in its own ways. Forgiveness, therefore, IS HARD. And so the fact that I struggle and cry and ache trying to forgive, well that makes sense, because Jesus demonstrated that forgiveness is HARD AS HELL!
In Leviticus, atonement for sin required a SPOTLESS, with no blemish, PERFECT lamb to be KILLED on the altar for the person who sinned. HOW UNFAIR! THE LAMB BORE ALL THE PAIN. Yet then the person was forgiven.
Forgiveness for me means bearing the pain of what was done. Every day, through however hard it is that day. It means fighting to let people in even though I really, really, REALLY don't want to. And fighting for that- fighting against all the fears and all that reality has shown itself to be to me. Forgiveness is to be HARD. It is hard.
But the same Spirit who rose Christ from the dead lives in me. If I have that Spirit, I must be capable of being enabled to forgive...
So that's what I'll look to...as I recount pain. I won't be angry at myself that I can't get over it. I'll focus on the fact that I HAVE to forgive it, even if the person is unrepentant, even if the person denies they ever did wrong. Even if I fight to forgive every day for the rest of my life. Jesus didn't forgive me AFTER I REPENTED. He wasn't justified in front of everyone and THEN forgive them. And more than likely, neither shall I be.
After I listed them all, I spoke allowed and acknowledged that there were probably plenty of people out there who could turn that right around and said they should never have had to go through or have done to them what Megin did.... and they'd be right. And then I thought, "And I wouldn't even ask them to forgive me because I don't deserve it. Sin is awful, and sinful people, we don't deserve forgiveness."
But then, how do I forgive all those things that ''should never'' but ''certainly did'' happen to me.... How do I forgive when there is no apology, when that person doesn't hold me as a I cry and explain why they are wrong and how they are so sorry and want to make it right? I just can't, I said. I just can't God. I can't forgive it all. It's too hard. It's too much, and so I guess that means I can't be a Christian, and that's awful, but I just don't get it. I don't know how I to forgive, how to bear the pain. It's. Too. Hard.
And then I thought of the lyrics to this Shane and Shane song called "That's how You forgive." And the lyrics recount what Jesus did....living a perfect life, dying a death he didn't deserve, suffering in hell, being forsaken by God, and then, only then, rising to glory. And I thought "Man- that's how you forgive. That's how Jesus forgave. He didn't just forgive b/c he loved us. He worked his butt off." Then I thought "well, I mean, I can't do that. I can't die on a cross and go to hell and raise again and then **POOF** have forgiven all the wrong done to me.... instead I'm here on earth. And I can't live the perpetrators life perfectly- but I can take on the pain they deserve, I can bear the pain they inflicted, and forgive... that's what Christ did...And that's when it hit me just how HARD it must have been for Jesus to do all that.... every piece, so entirely hard in its own ways. Forgiveness, therefore, IS HARD. And so the fact that I struggle and cry and ache trying to forgive, well that makes sense, because Jesus demonstrated that forgiveness is HARD AS HELL!
In Leviticus, atonement for sin required a SPOTLESS, with no blemish, PERFECT lamb to be KILLED on the altar for the person who sinned. HOW UNFAIR! THE LAMB BORE ALL THE PAIN. Yet then the person was forgiven.
Forgiveness for me means bearing the pain of what was done. Every day, through however hard it is that day. It means fighting to let people in even though I really, really, REALLY don't want to. And fighting for that- fighting against all the fears and all that reality has shown itself to be to me. Forgiveness is to be HARD. It is hard.
But the same Spirit who rose Christ from the dead lives in me. If I have that Spirit, I must be capable of being enabled to forgive...
So that's what I'll look to...as I recount pain. I won't be angry at myself that I can't get over it. I'll focus on the fact that I HAVE to forgive it, even if the person is unrepentant, even if the person denies they ever did wrong. Even if I fight to forgive every day for the rest of my life. Jesus didn't forgive me AFTER I REPENTED. He wasn't justified in front of everyone and THEN forgive them. And more than likely, neither shall I be.
Gracious
Slow to anger
Abounding in love
Good to all
All who call upon You
You will rescue and forgive
This is why I live
You lived the life I could never live
You died the death, oh, that I deserve
You rose to life and now You live
That's how You
Forgive me in Your mercy
I'm unworthy of your love
And I'm running back to
All I have in You, my gracious King
This is why I sing
You lived the life I could never live
You died the death, oh, that I deserve
You rose to life and now You live
That's how You forgive
The measure of Your love
That You came and died for us
Let us not forget
That's how You forgive
You lived the life that I could never live
You died the death that I fully deserve
You rose to life and now I live, I live...
That's how You forgive
You lived the life I could never live
You died the death, oh, that I deserve
You rose to life and now You live
That's how You forgive
The measure of Your love
That You came and died for us
Let us not forget
That's how You forgive
You forgive
You forgive
Comments