Scaffolding

I didn’t want to be here. After all the time of waiting, hoping, and building up excitement, we moved in, and I regretted it. We’d never fit, and I’d already given up half of what I wanted to keep. And the moving process alone had been the worst I’d experienced since we were kicked out of the house I grew up in and had 30 days to find a new home.

And honestly, we moved in less than a year after I realized some pretty hard truths that it had taken 10 (going on 11) years to understand. I spent a long time crying over them, and let’s be honest, I was still crying. And I was confused about my life, the life I’d seemingly chosen, and how so much left me so unfulfilled… was this REALLY where I was meant to flourish? I didn’t even feel welcome to FEEL.

So I started writing, much that I never intended or intend to share, and I started forcing myself outside my 4 walls….despite the compulsion to organize, I’d force myself out into this place I was supposed to put down roots and dwell. Some days, I only made it as far as the terrace, but on those days, I would thank God for our terrace and that we were prevented from making it into another room. I would think how we could have enlarged our barn for our belongings and then would have missed out on what has been breath for my empty lungs.

And as I did that-pushed out, with a heavy heart, I remembered being 20 years old, and I remembered what God showed me clearly as I settled into an unfamiliar high rise in Hong Kong. And I remembered what God showed me again, a year later, at 21, when my room in the HKU dorm was half the size of the one at the Y the previous year, and when I was forced with having to pay for my own air conditioner and intimidated by teaching students older than myself... and let’s be honest, my ‘’40 lb’’ suitcase and ‘’carry on’’ barely fit into the room. And even though I was technically 21, I was years less mature than I should be.

That was 14, 15 years ago. And I still remember how God spoke (and I don’t use this term of Him speaking lightly) to my heart and the confirmed the type of life for which I was chosen. It was incredible to find my purpose in Him and watch Him overcome every obstacle that I had no way of overcoming. And if I'm honest, to this day, every moment spent in Asia from 2003-2006 were literally the best moments of my life... 

And so even though today I’m met with uncomsummated dreams and love that I daily lay on an altar, I can’t help but also see the dreams of a 20 year old, and 21 year old, and 22 year old, and 23 year old realized.

           I’m free from all the previous comforts.  

           I’m free of the Christian professions that were nothing but fluff. 

           I’m free TRULY to meet with God and communion with Him like the prophets. 

What's more, I remember, 14 years ago, how that tiny room at HKU somehow grew… it got bigger, enlarged, like God opened my eyes to something more. And my time in that room could be explained as containing enough grandeur to fill a palace. 

          I pray and wait, and slowly see shreds of Him doing that with life now.

Looking beyond the scaffolding… We have this scaffolding outside our windows right now, and it obstructs our view tremendously. But it won’t be there forever. It may come down very soon I've been told. Because truth is, I can hear so much outside my window that the scaffolds hinder me from seeing. I cannot see it....But the so much IS there… and one day, the scaffolding won’t be. One day, I’ll look unimpeded.

“So if You continue to give me that which I would not choose, I believe anything that is worthy is a thing I will not lose.”

Yesterday I had lunch with my friend, and on my mind was the recent conviction to remember that nothing can rise again unless it first dies. Truly dies. And out of the blue, my friend mentions how she has realized that there must be a certain amount of dead trees in the forest because they nourish the entire system of life. Once again, God was saying, "Death is necessary, death in you, Megin, death of dreams, death in your walk with your God. It is the only way to life."

SO in conclusion, I offer this disclaimer of what's to follow: I used to write deep, and sometimes beautiful poetry through which I felt completely able to express myself, through which I felt affirmation, the validation of being seen, and freedom from whatever weighed upon me. I remember having so much gratitude each year over my entries in my school’s book of poetry. Sadly, I’m out of habit though. I tried to write last night to express some of the things I just explained above, but I doubt it would make any sense without the above explanation… if it makes sense even with it, I do not know. Maybe I’ll be inspired to practice writing more in the near future. That is something for which I hope.

God. Her. Me. and Scaffolding.

Her:

She didn’t want to be here; it wasn’t what she’d dreamed.

And it hadn’t been that long since the revelations 10 years would bring.

She’d spent a long time crying; let’s be honest, she cries still.

Because the loves that she’s chosen seemingly

won’t allow her to feel.

So as she wades through the hard truth, beside her window she writes,

And she runs along the river, in her private sacrifice of life.

A heavy heart she carries with her; thus, she lifts her eyes,

And suddenly, she 20 years young, and at home in an unfamiliar Chinese high-rise.

What chance, her city of 35, is so much like that of 15 years ago.

And she remembers what God showed her back then, the life that for her He chose.

So even though there are unconsummated dreams, love on an altar she’ll daily lie,

The dreams for which the 20-year-old longed, have been realized.

She’s free of all the comforts, free of the godly professions so false.

Free to forget herself; free to live among the lost.

Free to give up what she could never keep,

and what she could never lose, free to meet.

Free to grow in the deepest of love…. with her Father, Creator, Lord above.

She’s poised for that which she prayed, no not everything, but still, it is good.

God removed the things that she’d let define her, the things that never should.

So though she didn’t want to be here, at least not yesterday,

She knows back before the pain, the fear, the loss and anger

This was the life she’d proclaimed, “For this I am made…”

God. Her. and Scaffolding.

Me:

I didn’t want to be here; this apartment felt so small.

The things I called luxury, here didn’t have them at all.

But God pointed to scaffolding in my mind, and started to take it down,

And I raised my hands in awe, and my head began to be bowed.

My view is blocked by The Fall. There is so much I can’t see at all.

If God continues to give me that which I would not choose,

I believe that anything that’s worthy is Everything I’ll never Lose.

              The lady talking to herself, obviously out of her mind.

              The man sitting for hours on end to save only a few dimes.

              The prostitute obviously high- the man pawing her like meat.

              The homeless scrounging through the garbage, begging for something to eat.

              The young interns on their lunch break from Wall Street, whose hearts are on their sleeves.

              Will they make it? Do they look good enough? Will the find love at the bar this evening?

The juxtaposition of rich and destitution. The dichotomy of what’s lost and what’s found.

The battles that rage between my spirt and flesh. The obedience it takes to sit in death.

“She cannot rise unless she first dies. Dead trees nourish the ground. If she never felt

completely forgotten, she’d not appreciate being fully found.”

God. Me. and Scaffolding.

God: 

Oh God help me remember, though I didn’t want to be here, and I question what I dreamed-

though the losses continue to build up, remind me, “Look Megin! Beyond the Scaffolding!”

              “Life is not what you see.

              It is much more than it ever seems.

              Life is so much more than every dream.

              Life, my child, is entirely ME.

              Megin, yes, you matter, and I desperately love you.

              I knew all your days before you lived one, but you’re only a small piece of Redemption’s
song.

              Megin, I know you so well that I know the best that would not be quite best.

              It would be good, but oh my child, without the ‘good’ you are more blessed!

              So be My beautiful note, and sing out fearlessly and loud,

              But Megin, don’t seek to sooth all earthly longings, and for what you have, don’t be so proud.

              Remember, if it was not for Me, the Scaffolds would forever remain.

              But Megin, if you will look past them, there child, you will meet your Faith.

              There child, we shall commune, and in time, you will be my saint.

              There child, though dead, you will bloom. And your Beloved will be your mate.

              You ask me, ‘Can these bones live?’

              Oh, child if you only knew…

              They will not only live, but they will Flourish,

  Me beyond the Scaffolding, with You…”

-My God and King, speaking to Me. Directing Me, pursuing Me. My God and Lord, my great Counselor. The one I choose to believe. The God of the Scaffolding.