ME

****Disclaimer: MY PURPOSE IN WRITING THIS: is to ask for your prayers for our family, for me, for my two friendships causing me such grief (pray for the two people and for me), for our church, for our hearts, that we might SEE Jesus and be strengthened in the light of His presence. ****

I remember the first day that I was all alone after I lost Aden. My mom left that morning. Eli was being dropped at Grampy's because Jesse didn't want me to have the stress of a toddler in my fragile state. But Jesse had to go to work that day, so I was alone. I couldn't focus on anything except crying. I hadn't shared publically about the miscarriage except at church, so I finally decided I would get up and tell my story. I would write. That was all I could do... write out my pain and lay myself painfully bare before God and His people. And somehow, I was strengthened through the love and prayers of others even though I had no idea that my sharing would solicit their comfort.

Well, today, I am in that place again, laid bare before God and broken. I find myself unable to rest in my home as the renovations are continuing to be inconvenient and we can unpack and get to very little items... and if you know me, you know that I am famous for the phrase, "I can't relax until this place is organized or cleaned up a bit." And people are in and out of our house all day long trying to do work, but many times they cancel last minute after we've moved everything around for them so that they can work. The most relaxed I've felt since March 29 is when I went back to the shell of my old apartment and sat on my old couch for 5 minutes. One day I will completely love my new apartment. And I WANTED to move into this neighborhood. But right now, it is a place of constant stress. I get little sleep, and I am on edge.

And then at church- we are still in the process of alignment. My core team members remind me constantly that really things are not nearly as bad at I feel like they are in my mind sometimes. For lack of a better comparison, I feel like a person with two separate personalities. Sometimes I am completely confident, and then other times, ''minor'' setbacks or even the mention of something that COULD be a setback sends me over the edge to complete grief that everything so many people have toward will fail, that God's plans are for us to be broken even more, and things will just get worse. In short, when I go to work, I can't even consistently find joy and peace. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with fear and sadness or confusion or just not knowing where to go from here.... I wish my moments of conviction could be 24-7, when I'm completely confident and can testify to faith in God. But the truth is, I'm a human who doesn't remain there constantly.

And then in my personal relationship, in the past month, I have gotten into what I actually consider two falling outs with people I truly believed to be my best friends. I know I am not always a good friend. When I first moved to NY, I felt completely alone. I was overwhelmed by all the cultural differences, Chinese and just North/South or City/Suburban life. I had no family here; yet I felt constant pressure to integrate myself into the lifestyle of the church where I worked. Standards were a little higher for me it seemed because I did work there. I can understand that, but it certainly wasn't easy. And when I finally reached out for help, my call to ministry was questioned and I was encouraged by a small few (whom I previously trusted knew and understood and appreciated me) to take a break and find other line of work because I wasn't cut out for ministry.... That led to many years, (2011-2012) when I was spiraling downward in depression and hopelessness. Jesse and I were trying to be married, but our HUGE differences were leaving us both feeling completely disconnected and alone. I felt helpless, hopeless, unloved, and unworthy. Counseling began to help, and I was finding myself getting stronger, but then my brother went to jail. And I've realized through the years that it is really hard to explain the type of loss that was and all the fear that accompanied it. And when you've actually been praying for miraculous change and healing in your abusive family since you were 7 years old, it was hard to take another gigantic blow while keeping faith.... and then when he was released in 2015, things continued to spiral downhill for him. Letting go of my brother and my desire to change him and help him was one of the largest and hardest surrenders of my life. I could not handle the pain. I disengaged from all my relationships. I went through the motions. I am sure I hurt friends during this time. And I take responsibility for my shortcomings. However, I was drowning, and I don't think many people really understood that and understood that a drowning person doesn't have much strength to reach out and meet other people's needs. But then, a number of people took this period in my life very personally and understood it as a rejection of them or a lack of care for them... so even when I would apologize and say I wanted more but couldn't follow through at the moment, it just seemed a lie and fake to them. So now, they are hurt and do not trust me and do not want to be my friends (so it seems to me). 

I feel like in the past few years, especially since I became pregnant with Eli in 2014, I have been getting stronger and ''living up'' to people's expectations of me more and more. My motive wasn't to live up to the expectations; however, I was just enabled because of how God was strengthening me and growing me. Soo then to find out JUST recently that 2 people I thought were my friends through thick and thin, friends who understood me and I understood them, and that there was trust, have let me knowing that actually they feel much different and have for a long time. This has caught me blindsided and confused... Filled with wanting to explain myself and ask for compassion, but then unable to do that without coming across as defensive. I am also feared with fear that perhaps more people dislike me and have been so hurt by me but just haven't told me. I wonder what friends and support system I really have and who is harboring resentment over many years and just hasn't told me, like my other two friends had. SO I find little peace in my friendships minus the support of the core team and a few very special, wiser, mentors at GFC, my own sister, and another dear friend outside of GFC. I don't want to list names, because I don't want to be alluding to who the disagreements are with. I really am not seeking to slander anyone... I'm just writing b/c that is all I know to do....Literally, I don't know how to get out of the bed and stop crying unless I call out to God and reach out... I need the strength of God's people who have it in their hearts not to be angry at me but to pray for me for this.

I actually was just thinking yesterday that if all the amendments passed unanimously for where the leadership is seeking to take GFC, that does not mean there wouldn't be massive toil ahead in other areas and more challenges in order to replant a church. Even if I can try to talk to my friends who I feel have betrayed me by not telling me of their hurt for 5 years or even just 2 years and seemingly lacking compassion for situations they admitting don't understand, I can't be assured they will be able to forgive or take account for their own sin. I can't control any of that. I can't control keeping my life in order and peaceful. Rather, God makes me a saint by teaching me how to abound in every circumstance, like Paul. Which is why Paul could say he'd been in every circumstance but never driven to despair. Yet I, I am driven to despair multiple times a week these days.

So in closing, please pray for my perseverance knowing the good fruit that come from persevering and enduring. Pray that God would be SO PRESENT with me, nearly tangible, that I may draw strength from Him because my profession is that my worth, identity, and approval, and even righteousness ALL come from Him. Help me to understand why people have been hurt for me and take responsibility for things I should take responsibility for... As well, pray that He is the one who makes justice for me shine like the noonday sun when indeed I am in need of justice will do just that. He is the one who changes hearts.

SO I wonder how I am going to face the days tasks. I've been crying for an hour and half over one of the issues I mentioned above. Honestly, my weakness calls me to doubt my ability to even be a leader in this replant. But then, I am confident in how God called me. So I stand confused. I am called, and I accepted the call, but all of these life circumstances colliding make me wonder HOW I am to go on. I never did much like roller-coasters. Since August, I lost a child; I dealt with inordinate amounts of replant stress and (at times) what felt like drama. I visited Georgia only to deal with my brother basically jumping off the deep end of things. Jesse and I had to pause on our regular visit to our counselor because of all the other pressing family/work/renovation obligations, and then instead of these things growing us closer, they just led to us arguing more and more. My grandmother got sick and we made an impromptu visit to see her. Right before CHristmas, some things I was working on in counseling came to fruition, and I realized a lot of childhood trauma I had blocked. This was helpful because it helped me understand why I struggled with what I struggled with... yet it was painful to remember that these things ACTUALLY happened and were allowed by God. And it was hard to relive the pain of them as I sought to forgive and understand how God felt about them. My cat died. My grandmother died. Only a few days apart. We arrived back from Georgia and 2 days later flew back there again because of my grandmother's funeral. And then Jesse and I led most of the funeral. We renovated (which isn't finished) and moved out of our home for 10 years (for me) and 7 (for him). We found out we may have genetic abnormalities that will prevent us from getting pregnant or carrying children to term. And then I lost two best friends that I had hoped could be a support system for me and I for them. Needless to say, I daily waver between inconsolable crying or intense frustration and anger. And my anger and losing my temper only makes it harder for Jesse to try to console me when I am sad.

So this is me... this is where I am at. And I keep seeking God, believing nothing can thwart His plan, believing this is all probably foreordained as part of His plan to make me into a disciple and one of those old saintly, wise, women of God who can endure anything because of their faith and confidence in God. I used to pray God would make me one of those women... I never thought about what one would have to go to in order to become one of those women.... so I feel in the thick... and I just want to sleep or cry or yell at injustice.

ONCE AGAIN MY PURPOSE IN WRITING THIS: is to ask for your prayers for our family, for me, for my two friendships causing me such grief (pray for the two people and for me), for our church, for our hearts, that we might SEE Jesus and be strengthened in the light of His presence.