Do You See Men Walking Like Trees?

I woke up a lot last night. I went to bed pretty early, having been exhausted from not having slept well the night before and having awakened, and then been unable to fall back asleep, at 5:00 a.m. on Sunday morning. Why did I sleep so poorly last night then? Shouldn't I have been tired enough to sleep the whole night through? It could have been the massive Asian man taking up 3/4ths of the bed... or... it could have been something else... which, I believe it was.

What kept me awake? The answer is found in one word- or a few, but they all mean the same thing: anxiety. worry. doubt. fear.

On Saturday, Jesse and I worked out our budget again. I suppose it's very "unChinese" of me to speak about money in public. Actually, maybe it is not. I don't mean to be stereotypical. I only mean to say that I've been told many, many times by my friends here in New York that I broadcast things that should be kept private. Supposedly, though, that is something that first drew Jesse toward me, my transparency, as he saw it. So while it may not be something he still completely loves, I find it hard to talk about God without broadcasting a lot ... of 'things,' ... and today's 'thing' is money.

So last night, I found myself staring at the clock, and feeling anxious because of our 'lack' of money. It's something one can forget (or I can forget) until I look at the hard numbers on the spreadsheet. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for my student loan which I wish I had been money-savvy and smart enough to realize was NOT a good idea back in 2001.

Pastor Albert's sermon yesterday was divinely timed for me personally, and the 'irony' of the fact that I was the Scripture reader did not go unnoticed by me, at least. So last night, sleeping was hard because I was worried- despite the Words of God I knew...despite my personal prayers after the sermon. I lay awake, in fear.

I told Jesse this morning, and then I went to the Lord with it during my devotions, and I realized something. My anxiety is not that I do not trust the Lord to supply what I need. I know He will. I am quite confident in this. I have no fear regarding it. So for that, I praise Him, because I know that faith like that is a gift from Him. My worries, however, are due to my wants. My wants cause me problems- my wants that can feel like 'needs' but [probably] are not. This is perhaps why the sermon was relevant to me- because I believe that if the Lord was to help me change the things that I value, I would not be so overcome by my current 'wants.'

I told Jesse that if we moved to the South, we could live better because it would be less expensive. And while moving away from New York is not out of the question for us at some point in the future, I can hardly think that moving for the lone purpose of being able to live more 'comfortably money-wise' is a godly reason.

Yesterday morning's devotion time for me concentrated on parts of Luke 12, Matthew 6, and Matthew 13. I also wrote down 1Corinthians 7, that I was bought with a price and my service should not be directed toward man but toward the one who bought me. I copied 1 Corinthians 6:19, 1 Peter 5:7, and Philippians 4:5-8. So what was I going to read this morning? I didn't want to change 'topics' because I knew I needed to immerse myself more in it. I decided to see, then, if there were cross references to Mark in my study bible notes on Luke 12 and Matthew 6. There were....

I turned to Mark 8, and scanning it, I couldn't see anywhere it spoke of money or earthly treasures vs. eternal treasures. I was perplexed, so I just started at the beginning and read. In Mark 8, the first story we see is how Jesus fed 4,000 people with 7 loaves of bread and a few fish. The disciples doubted that it would be possible, but Jesus had compassion on the crowd. And what's more, left over were multiple baskets filled with 'broken pieces' when the crowd and disciples finished dining. Jesus is able to take care of 4,000 people with so little, and not just 'take care,' but 'satisfy' them as the text says. They ate until they were 'satisfied.'

Immediately after, there is the transition with the Pharisees demanding a sign from Jesus and seeking to trick Him. He sighs in His spirit, so says Mark, and tells them they will not receive a sign. This is an example of Christ's emotions. He was disappointed, perhaps?

Then, the same disciples who moments before witnessed Him feed 4,000 people with so little, get into a boat with Him and realize that they have forgotten to bring enough bread. They only have one loaf for all of them. Before they say a thing, however, Jesus warns, "Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of Herod." What is this leaven, of which He speaks? The text notes say that the leaven of the Pharisees and Herod is self-centeredness and self-reliance. I am convicted to also think that it is doubt, worry, anxiety, lack of trust in Christ to meet their needs, and perhaps wants. And isn't that what I have? A stubborn self-reliance that thinks if there were 'more' money in my account to supply my current 'wants' that I would be satisfied?

The disciples are clueless, however, and begin to wonder out loud how they will eat. Jesus rebukes them, or maybe just asks in astonishment, a series of questions, using the word 'see' multiple times. (The use of the word 'see' multiple times, I realized later was a foreshadowing of something). He asks, "are your hearts hardened? Having eyes, do you not see? Having ears, do you not hear? Do you not remember the 4,000 and how much was left over?"

The texts transitions again as the disciples and Jesus arrive at a new town. Immediately, a blind man meets Jesus and asks to be healed, to 'see.' What follows is a scene that has often left me puzzled. Jesus takes the man out of the village, perhaps to get away from the Pharisees and doubt, the unbelief. He spits on the man's eyes and touches him and asks, "do you see anything?" And the man responds that he sees men walking as if they were trees. So Jesus then touches him again, and his eyes are opened, healed, and he sees clearly.

What has puzzled me is why Jesus heals him in two parts. Why not just heal him in one touch as He usually does? As I thought of this again, the answer hit me like a ton of bricks- LOOK AT THE CONTEXT, MEGIN, I thought. This story comes RIGHT after we have seen all the doubt of the Pharisees and the disciples and have been warned about the 'leaven.' Jesus must be healing him in two parts to make a point...to make a point through the very words of the blind man when he states that he sees "men walking as if they were trees." The man does not see 'clearly.' The disciples do not see clearly. I do not see clearly. As we all stand right now, we see the world dimly, seeing men as if they were moving trees. But with a touch of Jesus, the man's eyes are healed fully. Then he 'sees' clearly.

I need the touch of Jesus to see clearly, to have my values transformed, my wants transformed, to trust fully in Him as the Good Father who withholds no good thing. (Psalm 34). Right now, I see many trees moving around, so I ask, humbly, for the Lord to change me, to touch my eyes, my ears, my heart, my mind. Without the touch of Jesus, I drown in leaven.

What about you? What do you see? How is your heart? I pray that this shared personal devotion will help you somehow today. The eye is the lamp to the whole body, the Word of God tells us. If the eye is dark, then our soul rests in darkness ... but if our eye sees in the light ... then worry, anxiety, fear, doubt all cease ... and we 'see' Him.